Author's Note: Ok, I admit I have problems. The following selections are set to the music of Fiddler on the Roof. Except where speaking is designated, all lines should be sung (preferably in a thick Russian accent).

Selections from Tyrant on the Roof:

A Love and Guts Medley

Written for: The Great Adelai Niska

Performed by: The Niska Skyplex Goons and Torture Victims

Dedicated to: Niska’s Beautiful Wife, Olga, on This Day February 14, 2517: Their 45th Wedding Anniversary

[Setting: The curtain rises. Niska’s torture room set deep within the depths of his Skyplex. The Goons are hard at work making sure that Niska’s reputation remains solid in spite of the recent, regrettable escape of one Malcolm Reynolds. Olga Niska sits off in the corner carefully polishing various implements of “persuasion.” Enter, our hero, Adelai Niska, home at last from a hard day of “negotiations” and ready to enjoy the hard won comforts of his home and a little “entertainment.”]

Overture/Position [To the tune of “Tradition”]

(Niska)

Position, position! Position!

Position, position! Position!

(Niska speaking)

You know what is reputation? Is people talking, is gossip. Nothing. Position is solid, is power. Without position, we are like a . . . we are like a tyrant on the roof.

(Niska)

Position, position! Position!

Position, position! Position!

(Niska’s Goons)

He, day and night, must torture for a living,

Take his wife’s squawking; keep us goons in place.

Without a doubt he’s master of this skyplex.

But, don’t say that to Olga’s face.

To Niska, to Niska! Position.

To Niska, to Niska! Position.

(Olga)

I must know to the way to keep a proper home.

A comfort zone, a soft-warm bed.

If I ever fail to act like Doris Day,

I’m liable to lose my head.

(Torture Victims)

To Olga, to Olga! Position.

To Olga, to Olga! Position.

[Niska sets about “relaxing” which entails activities that are better left unsaid. Completely ignored by her husband, Olga stays off to a corner of the room.