Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL
A LION’S MOUTH (01) Part (01) v2.0
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Takes place right after the Serenity Movie. Modified after a comment from BlueEyedBrigadier
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 4065 RATING: 9.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
(01) A LION’S MOUTH
Part (01)
Follows the SERENITY MOVIE. Precedes . Author's Note: This is a re-worked version of the first part of the first story. I have made changes based on readers' feedback (BlueEyedBrigadier, this means you), so this is 'Version 2.0' of A Lion's Mouth, Part 01. I would especially like to hear from anyone who read the earlier version, as to whether this addresses the issues raised, legitimately I believe, by BEB. I warmly welcome readers' comments and constructive criticism. Here's a to the previous version for anyone who wishes to compare. The changes are found in the Mal/Inara scenes.
Comments
Wednesday, 24 August 2011 03:26
Still working modifications on Story #7, which is a long one, so in lieu of posting the beginning of that, I'm putting up this modified version of the first part of the first story. I've changed the Mal/Inara scenes in response to comments that Inara seemed a little out of character in the earlier version. Depending on feedback received on this, I may edit the original story to include the modifications. I'd like to know what you think, especially if you've read the earlier version.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011 04:43
I thought this one was better. I thought you have slowly but steadily gotten better with how all the characters act, talk and the inter crew dynamics with each story.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011 15:56
Inara works better in this version ebfiddler though you do know you could simply just edit the original? It would save you writing a whole new chapter to include the alterations. Ali D
"You can't take the sky from me!"
"You can't take the sky from me!"
Wednesday, 24 August 2011 20:45
If this version seems better, I'll be editing the original, and removing this one from the site. Was hoping for some more feedback before making that choice. Thanks, Nutluck and Ali D for voicing your opinions.
Thursday, 25 August 2011 05:14
Well, since I'm the one who spawned this revision, I guess I had better chime in, huh?
;D
Getting to the heart of the matter, I definitely think the majority of the Mal/Inara scene in the cargo bay has been noticeably shined up and brought to a level where Inara's thoughts on Mal's history feels less like a basic stranger cluing in to something big and more Inara furthering her evolution from the series and "Serenity" when it comes to her POV of the 'Verse and the crew.
The only thing I would complain about from the revised scene is Inara's reaction to having Mal fall on her and his mad dash to the bridge. To me, that part still feels a little off in how Inara's inner self is portrayed...it reads like she's channelling someone far more airheaded than the Guild-trained Companion she is. However, I think that kind of moment - the "What the frack just happened?! He/She was almost mine!" type of scene is probably very hard to write in a way where the partner left in the scene gets to be confused and frustrated or contemplative without seeming to be stupid or completely oblivious to the moment. Or it could just be my interpretation of tone that's off...Inara could be speaking in a self-deprecating manner when she's musing about whether the earth's moved or just the ship.
;D
Getting to the heart of the matter, I definitely think the majority of the Mal/Inara scene in the cargo bay has been noticeably shined up and brought to a level where Inara's thoughts on Mal's history feels less like a basic stranger cluing in to something big and more Inara furthering her evolution from the series and "Serenity" when it comes to her POV of the 'Verse and the crew.
The only thing I would complain about from the revised scene is Inara's reaction to having Mal fall on her and his mad dash to the bridge. To me, that part still feels a little off in how Inara's inner self is portrayed...it reads like she's channelling someone far more airheaded than the Guild-trained Companion she is. However, I think that kind of moment - the "What the frack just happened?! He/She was almost mine!" type of scene is probably very hard to write in a way where the partner left in the scene gets to be confused and frustrated or contemplative without seeming to be stupid or completely oblivious to the moment. Or it could just be my interpretation of tone that's off...Inara could be speaking in a self-deprecating manner when she's musing about whether the earth's moved or just the ship.
Thursday, 25 August 2011 05:15
Well, since I'm the one who spawned this revision, I guess I had better chime in, huh?
;D
Getting to the heart of the matter, I definitely think the majority of the Mal/Inara scene in the cargo bay has been noticeably shined up and brought to a level where Inara's thoughts on Mal's history feels less like a basic stranger cluing in to something big and more Inara furthering her evolution from the series and "Serenity" when it comes to her POV of the 'Verse and the crew.
The only thing I would complain about from the revised scene is Inara's reaction to having Mal fall on her and his mad dash to the bridge. To me, that part still feels a little off in how Inara's inner self is portrayed...it reads like she's channelling someone far more airheaded than the Guild-trained Companion she is. However, I think that kind of moment - the "What the frack just happened?! He/She was almost mine!" type of scene is probably very hard to write in a way where the partner left in the scene gets to be confused and frustrated or contemplative without seeming to be stupid or completely oblivious to the moment. Or it could just be my interpretation of tone that's off...Inara could be speaking in a self-deprecating manner when she's musing about whether the earth's moved or just the ship.
;D
Getting to the heart of the matter, I definitely think the majority of the Mal/Inara scene in the cargo bay has been noticeably shined up and brought to a level where Inara's thoughts on Mal's history feels less like a basic stranger cluing in to something big and more Inara furthering her evolution from the series and "Serenity" when it comes to her POV of the 'Verse and the crew.
The only thing I would complain about from the revised scene is Inara's reaction to having Mal fall on her and his mad dash to the bridge. To me, that part still feels a little off in how Inara's inner self is portrayed...it reads like she's channelling someone far more airheaded than the Guild-trained Companion she is. However, I think that kind of moment - the "What the frack just happened?! He/She was almost mine!" type of scene is probably very hard to write in a way where the partner left in the scene gets to be confused and frustrated or contemplative without seeming to be stupid or completely oblivious to the moment. Or it could just be my interpretation of tone that's off...Inara could be speaking in a self-deprecating manner when she's musing about whether the earth's moved or just the ship.
Friday, 26 August 2011 20:11
BEB, thanks for being such a good sport and writing in with your feedback.
I'm glad that you found most of the re-write to bring things back in character (that's what I was aiming for). I think I'm just reluctant to give up my one-liner, and that's causing trouble. (rookie writer, doesn't want to listen to good advice from editors :-P) I view it as Inara speaking a bit sarcastically to herself--she knows the earth didn't really move--she's kind of chiding herself for being so silly about it. And yet she's having some feelings about Mal that she is no longer able to deny, even to herself.
The fact is that in my series of stories I am less interested in the story of "how did Mal and Inara get together" (though that is an interesting topic, and lots of great fanfics focus on it), than in the story of "so, after they first got together, how did their relationship develop?" It is the evolution and gradual maturation of this relationship, and all the rocks in the road along the way, that really interest me. And I've got lots and lots of rocks to throw in their way--probably run out of energy to write, before I run out of rocks.
Thanks again for your input.
I'm glad that you found most of the re-write to bring things back in character (that's what I was aiming for). I think I'm just reluctant to give up my one-liner, and that's causing trouble. (rookie writer, doesn't want to listen to good advice from editors :-P) I view it as Inara speaking a bit sarcastically to herself--she knows the earth didn't really move--she's kind of chiding herself for being so silly about it. And yet she's having some feelings about Mal that she is no longer able to deny, even to herself.
The fact is that in my series of stories I am less interested in the story of "how did Mal and Inara get together" (though that is an interesting topic, and lots of great fanfics focus on it), than in the story of "so, after they first got together, how did their relationship develop?" It is the evolution and gradual maturation of this relationship, and all the rocks in the road along the way, that really interest me. And I've got lots and lots of rocks to throw in their way--probably run out of energy to write, before I run out of rocks.
Thanks again for your input.
Saturday, 27 August 2011 17:28
Two things, Inara's internal dialogue on Mal is better in this version AND I like the fall with her anticipation of contact still intact, shows how being close to Mal throws her of her game as it does Mal, the closeness that is:)
It’s cute, sweet and sexy… just thought I’d add that cause it’s what I really like about it.
It’s cute, sweet and sexy… just thought I’d add that cause it’s what I really like about it.
Thursday, 01 September 2011 23:01
If the earth moved line was always meant to be self-conscious and chastising, then I don't think I have any problem with either version as written.
I myself kinda like an interpretation where Inara thinks the war made Mal more violent, and then necessity made him criminal. But Mal's a "reserved" kind of person, and even after eight months in the series Inara admits she can't really predict him and doesn't really know him. I don't imagine after two years that would improve any, especially if she's gone part of that time. And fair's fair, Inara isn't without her own secrets.
I myself kinda like an interpretation where Inara thinks the war made Mal more violent, and then necessity made him criminal. But Mal's a "reserved" kind of person, and even after eight months in the series Inara admits she can't really predict him and doesn't really know him. I don't imagine after two years that would improve any, especially if she's gone part of that time. And fair's fair, Inara isn't without her own secrets.
Post Your Comments
You must log in to post comments.