A LION’S MOUTH (01) Part (01)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Takes place right after the Serenity Movie. They take off, fly through the storm, the buffer panel falls off and…here’s what happens next.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 6341 RATING: 9.0 (PG) SERIES: FIREFLY
(01) A LION’S MOUTH
Part (01)
Follows the SERENITY MOVIE. Precedes . Takes place right after the Serenity Movie. They take off, fly through the storm, the buffer panel falls off and…here’s what happens next. Author Note: There is now a 'Version 2.0' of this section. Most of it is the same, but a couple of scenes were modified based on reader feedback. If you'd rather read the new version, click . * * * Jayne was in fine form, holding forth on the bridge, coffee cup in hand. He had a captive audience for his story, because River was at the helm and Zoe was supervising River’s pilotage, and neither could leave her post. It was one of his favorite anecdotes, and he had the timing down perfectly, on account of he’d told this story to just about every woman he ever picked up on his planetside searches for play. He was surprised hisownself that he hadn’t already told it to the crew of Serenity. “You have,” River thought with vehemence. “Four times. You just don’t remember.” She rolled her eyes, but Jayne didn’t see—River was looking out towards the Black, and Jayne’s attention was focused on Zoe. “…So I then says to him,” Jayne wound up for the punchline, “ ‘Show me where them thrusters is at, an’ I’ll show you the fast way to get to Beylix.’ ” He looked expectantly at Zoe. “Hmm.” Zoe looked dully abstracted. She was wrapped up in her own thoughts. Jayne wasn’t about to let his moment of glory pass unheeded. “Don’t you think that was pretty cunning?” he persisted. “Uh-huh.” “I’m talkin’ at you Zoe!” Zoe shook herself. “Oh, yeah, Jayne. Right.” She attempted to pay a little closer attention. What had Jayne been saying? “Well don’t you think that way was more better?” Zoe looked unimpressed.
Thanks to mal4prez, bytemite, and others who offered advice in formatting and posting.
I tried to follow their good advice, looks like with partial success.
Comments and constructive criticism warmly welcomed.
Ali D :~)
"You can't take the sky from me!"
I particularly like the first part with Jayne telling his story, and River's ranting at the end.
Still, I have to note I personally felt Inara felt...off...here, mainly in how her mental monologue didn't flow quite right in how she begins to clue in that Mal wasn't born a rogue or didn't fall into such behaviour easily. For me, it's too sudden and shallow if Inara's truly believed Mal was a loveable rogue from Day 1. Though really? Inara's known Mal for something like 2 or more years, and has been involved in enough of his capers that this "revelation" made Inara seem rather ditzy or spacey if she's coming to realize Mal probably gave up his morals in some areas to keep the crew fed and sheltered. Still, just an opinion :D
Myownknight--I see you’re a new author, too. (running off to read River’s Diary)
Ali D and Platonist—Blue Hands are a part of my long-term story arc. We’ll be seeing more of them.
Bytemite—Glad you liked River’s ranting. A great compliment, since my earlier draft of this read “River: (wild ranting).” And glad you liked the Jayne scene. When I started, I didn’t know if I could even write Jayne, but it turns out he’s great fun to write dialog for.
Nutluck—longer chapters? How long is good? This posting is about 2400 words. The whole Lion’s Mouth story is about 10,000. I decided to divide it into 4 parts. Maybe I should reconsider. Any thoughts about how long a chapter should be? This is where I really don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t written in chapters, just scenes, so the chapter divisions are very much after-the-fact.
BlueEyedBrigadier—Thanks much! This is exactly the kind of feedback I’m looking for. And yeah, I kinda agree about the Inara monologue. I wrote this story originally in script form, with lots of dialog and very little else, and when I decided later to go back and re-write in standard prose, I added all the thoughts, etc., and this bit didn’t come off so well. I think the point I wanted to make in the scene is that Inara is feeling a strong physical attraction and at the same time she is emotionally conflicted. Recent events at Miranda have thrown her off-balance. Still, I think that despite knowing each other for 2+ years, Mal and Inara are both so good at hiding their real selves behind masks (tough guy thief and Companion) that they have a LOT of opening up to do before either can truly know the other. This was meant to be Inara taking a small step towards understanding why Mal is the way he is. (as Mal just took a small step in actually talking about his past.) Sorry I made her come off as ditzy or spacey—not my intent.
Now, if only I could get that kind of feedback before posting the stories! ;-) Beta, anyone?
And, yeah, there’ll be more…working tonight on revising part 2.
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