“... although bloodshed was kept to a minimum by the quick arrival of Alliance Federal forces. Mrs Irene Summersmith, chairman of the Combined Needlework and Karate Society, gave a statement to Cortex reporters from her bed in Persephone General, but we are unable to wave it as it contravened broadcast regulations for the use of foul language. However, doctors have indicated that the source of the problem appears to have been the seven layer bean dip, purchased from a local supplier, that initial tests have established contained high levels of Dutalamine Sulphide, a drug used almost exclusively in senior care facilities to keep their residents ... regular. Unconfirmed reports seem to suggest the dip may have been sabotaged by a former member of the society who was asked to leave some weeks ago. Alliance officers are currently looking for this person, and her son, who was also the supplier of the dip, who is already known to the authorities under the name of Badger. Residents of Eavesdown are requested not to approach, as both are regarded as highly dangerous. The Drift House Hotel, where the meeting took place, declined to comment, but is currently closed for refurbishment and decontamination.

“In other news, reports of incidents occurring of explosions in bathrooms throughout the sector have been strongly denied by the makers of the Whisjkers 3000 grenade. Weasel Enterprises have, however, withdrawn sale of the grenades, and issued a statement that they never suggested that the grenades were waterproof, and in fact the active ingredient in the explosive becomes unstable should it come into contact with damp conditions. Federal investigators have strongly requested that any person who purchased these grenades should dispose of them as quickly as possible under UXD conditions. The complimentary shower gel and back brush are probably safe.”

“Jayne.”

“Yeah, Mal?”

“What’re you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Right.”

“Nothing. Huh.”

“Honest, Mal. Just ... leaning here.”

“B