River's Serenity - Chapter 1
Friday, January 2, 2009
When River falls in love for the first time, not even she could predict the tensions that would arise. Post BDM. River/Kaylee pairing. NC17
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3596 RATING: 7.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
I own nothing regarding these characters or anything relating to them. Also, this is my first fanfic of any kind, anywhere so don't feel you have to be gentle with any feedback. No matter how brutal or anal it may be, it will be well appreciated.
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Without making a sound, River Tam smoothly crawled along the cold, metal floor of Serenity. Even when she wasn’t trying to, River always had the ability to slide silently throughout the ship, seeming more like she was floating than walking. But on this instance, the need to stay hidden was especially important for River. Tonight, she had already caused enough trouble on the ship and if she were discovered up in the ceiling, spying on her brother, Simon, and his girlfriend, Kaylee, it would only make things worse. She finally made it over to where Simon and Kaylee were standing in the engine room and talking rather heatedly and River peeked down between the metal grates of the floor to see Simon and Kaylee on the floor below.
River couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying but she knew what they had to be talking about. It hadn’t been ten minutes since it had happened. But the real story behind what happened tonight had roots stemming back many weeks. Ever since the massive confrontation with the Reavers where Mal had broadcast to the entire galaxy the secrets of Miranda and the origin of the Reavers, things aboard Serenity had changed significantly in River’s life. Obviously her being promoted to the pilot of Serenity after the tragic death of Wash was the most significant one in terms of duty but to River personally, the more important event was when she fell in love for the first time.
River took her focus off of Simon and Kaylee below and allowed her mind to wander back to when she first felt this amazing new feeling. It was just after the funerals held for Wash, Mr. Universe and Shepherd Book when the crew of Serenity was repairing the ship. River had been skulking around in the ceilings again and come across Kaylee and Simon in the engi
Now, for my review. It's a good start, although I admit it's not a pairing I would normally read, but there are some excellent lines in it, not least is River's observation that Simon had a thousand questions running through his head, and never bothering to try and answer any of them. That one struck me in particular.
I would suggest that you break up your large paragraphs of text, though. It makes it more difficult to read if they're in such big blocks, and this is a shame as you've captured River's first attempts at gratification - overlaid with the slightly clinical aspect that she would probably have - very well.
My other minor quibble is that I'm not sure Simon would have reacted in this fashion. It might have taken a lot longer, and with more evidence, before he would hate his sister. After all, he's seen her in her worst states, and I feel he'd probably have merely put it down to what the Academy did to her rather than it being real. And as for Kaylee, he knows she wasn't a virgin, and I think he'd want to know a lot more about this somewhat innocent kiss before breaking up with her.
Still, all in all, an excellent first effort, and I'll read more.
I read the more recent chapters first. I like how you've captured the possibility of this pairing, and I can kind of see Simon's rigidity getting him into this fix. I'll be interested to see how the crew processes it going forward. Someone might need to help Simon get over himself!
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