One of the many things I failed to learn at MedAcad was never to play Tall Card with a Shepherd. It's like he has a divine accomplice. If he weren't a man of God, I'd suspect him of cheating. No wait – I do suspect him of cheating. There was a glint in his eye when he managed to pass on septic vat duty to Jayne. A glint that only grew bigger when I picked up a week's worth of cooking. In retrospect, I think he was trying to do me a favour. Cooking is considered one of the lighter duties on Serenity, but I dread it.

Because cooking was another of the many things I failed to learn at MedAcad.

In my mind, I can picture the perfect meal. Full of taste and texture and delicious aromas. Rich, indulgent, sensuous. On Earth-that-was they used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that's true, I'm doomed.

Maybe I'd fare better if I had a recipe book. I'm sure I could follow a recipe. Weigh ingredients out precisely, time every stage to perfection. But there is no book, and I have to improvise with basic provisions and the occasional box of fresh produce. The result, though edible and nutritionally balanced, is never a delight to the senses.

* * * * *

“Why the hell's he cookin' again?” Jayne demands, arriving late for supper and joining the others round the table.

“It's his turn.” Book's mellow tone carries a hint of amusement.

Jayne grunts. “Why can't it be Zoe's turn?” There's a little ripple of laughter, because it's a standing joke that Zoe's cooking is as bad as it's possible to get.

I turn round and glare at them all. I'm hot, I'm flustered and my back is aching. I've been standing here for over an hour trying to make something nice for them and the stress is too much. “Well, thankyou! Thankyou very much for your support!”

The kinder crew members arrange their faces into pictures of sympathy. Kaylee gives me a big encouraging smile. “s'all right Simon. You're learnin' is all.” She sniffs the air. “Smells real good.”

“No it don't.” Jayne grumbles. “Smells like crotch.