One good day - Chapter 2
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The crew is forming opinions about their newest passenger – directly, or simply by gossip.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1527 RATING: 8.0 (PG) SERIES: FIREFLY
One good day
By Charlotte Summers
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Author's note : Thank you for the sweet comments on the first chapter - it's nice to hear the story is well-received!
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Chapter two
‘Stories’
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Jayne took a liking to the polishing of his guns. He did it often, and he did it with care. Oh, he loved women just as much as the next bloke – maybe even more – but no woman could ever compare to his Vera.
At the other side of the table in the dining area, on which Jayne had laid out all his favorites, Zoe, Kaylee, Simon and River were engaged in a card game. It was rare for Jayne not to join in on a game when there was money to be made, but he had taken an instant disliking to it when that crazy person joined. He just couldn’t stand listening to any of River’s nonsense, felt it would distract him from the game. Turns out he’d made the right decision. At first, it seemed River was totally off it once more and had no idea what she was doing, but the situation had soon proved to be otherwise: come third round, River suddenly seemed to no longer be ‘confused’ and started winning every single round. Simon explained it had always been like that with games that weren’t based on luck but skill.
“What do you guys think of Bela?” Kaylee asked, looking at her cards thoughtfully.
“Haven’t talked to her,” Zoe replied simply, wearing a poker face.
“I have,” Simon said, laying down a card that made River smile for some reason he couldn’t figure out. “She was very nice. Had a sense of humor. She was very eager to come aboard, very enthusiastic.”
“Until she finds out what it is we do,” Kaylee muttered a little disappointedly. “I mean, I talked to her a bit, she told me she was a writer. How shiny is that? Ain’t nothing like what we do to make a living.”
“ Fay-fay d’pian ”, Zoe said.
“What?”
“Big fat lie. She ain’t no writer.”
“Don’t care what she is,” Jayne muttered from the other end of the table. “Can be some bounty hunter for
all I care-”
“I don’t very much like t
Okay, to Jayne, that was foreplay.
There's and intriguing story behind Bela, and I for one would like to hear it.
Oh, and just because it makes it easier to read, if you have dialogue from oner person broken by description (like your last two lines) they shouldn't be broken on the page. Same paragraph. Otherwise I expect it to be someone else talking.
But good job so far!
Still really think Bela is interesting. Ready and waiting for round 3.
I think Mal'd be very particular and not let some stranger shoulder her way onto his ship, and especially not let her wonder freely onto the bridge. After the passengers he's had? No way! I especially doubt that he'd bring on a full timer just cause she chatted up Simon, the _wanted fugitive_.
Sorry to be critical, but I just don't get it!
I like a little mystery about a passenger, but Bela is not acting like a passenger. Mal should be setting boundaries, telling the passenger she's not allowed on the bridge, she's not supposed to be making dinner, and hey - if your finances aren't good, how are you going to pay me for this trip?
And why isn't anyone at all concerned that she knows they engage in crime?
The crew made an effort to conceal that when they had passengers -- Simon, Book, the Fed -- and gave a cover story instead.
It has to be said - Bela is crossing the line into MarySue territory. Bring her back if you can.
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