What's meant to be - Part 5
Sunday, June 17, 2007
I'm really in need of comments...gd or bd, dong ma?
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2877 RATING: 8.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
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2 days after part 4 in the pit
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Mal was thinking, sitting in the pilot’s chair with Inara sleeping in his lap with her head on his chest. He never thought this dream could ever come true and he was really grateful that it did, Serenity seemed to be happy as well as the days started better waking with a cuddly Inara in his arms. Although something always seemed to worry him, Inara was much more sleepy than usual and her appetite increased with a drastic move, River was also acting strangely with Inara...sort of protective towards her and started to sleep with her head in Inara's lap but Inara seemed to like that friendliness so it didn't bother her at all but it was still strange.
That morning Serenity would be landing on Greenleaf and he will be spending the longest week of his life. Thoughts were interrupted when he felt Inara stirring.
"Mal?"
"Right here darlin'"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Why did you change your mind so suddenly about us? Not that I don't like it, mind you, but I'm curious"
"Well, I've been thinkin' about it for quite sometime but when you got shot I made up my mind" He kissed her temple” do it Reynolds" a voice in his mind said.
"'Nara"
"Mm?"
"Will you marry me?"
The world stopped, she raised her teary eyes to meet his, she was weeping. "Damn Reynolds! How can you be such a hundan? You made her cry again..."
"'Nara I-"
"Yes!" she managed between sobs.
ONE GORRAM MINUTE! Did she just agree to marry him???
"Oh god 'Nara...I've waited so long for this." He said between kisses.
"Mal, I've dreamt about it but didn't think it was possible. In fact, I think I'm dreaming"
"Really? What about this?" He took out a ring out of his pocket which matched the bracelet perfectly; it was white gold with a diamond that shone like her eyes. He slid it round her finger and looked at those two glittery puddles.
"I love you 'Nara"
"I love you
I thought I'd give you some feedback, since you asked so politely. Being a high school English teacher, I do tend to approach written work fairly critically, so keep that in mind when reading this.
Your narrative structure needs some work...the plot is moving to quickly, without giving your readers time to identify common fiction plot elements such as, problems/climaxes/resolutions. Slow down, no need to rush, especially with this pairing. For example, Inara has been shot and now kidnapped for ransom, but I'm still wondering why she had the fever?
Give us more insight into these characters. What's going on in their heads? Flesh out their Point of Views and inner dialogs (an easy way to develop characters) where did Mal get the matching ring? Was it his mother's?
Did he buy or cheat Badger out of it? As the reader, I need to be more emotionally connected to the characters.
You have some good ideas that need to be developed. I highly encourage you to keep writing. I'll look for your next post. Enjoy!
Have to note that while Inara might potentially stop being a Compasnion or switch speciality tracks to have a relationship with Mal, she's still a Buddhist. And I haven't seen much evidence of Mal renewing his faith in God...so even a friend of Book's probably wouldn't marry them. Would expect a Justice of the Peace on a planet like Persephone.
BEB
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