What's meant to be
Thursday, June 14, 2007
What would happen if Mal had to contradict himself? Would he choose love over pride? Will Simon and Kaylee survive the Capn'? Can someone from the past and a dream change the circumstances?
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3159 RATING: 9.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
Pairings: Mal/Inara Simon/Kaylee
1.5 months After Miranda….
This is my first fic so comment would be shiny :D
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Simon and Kaylee are in the engine room
“Simon...Why?!”
“Kaylee, don’t cry baobei... you know that if I could change things I would.”
“But we don’t have to listen to the Capn’ Zoe and Wash MARRIED without minding him and all I want is just to be with you!”
“Yes, Kaylee I know it’s the same for me but I don’t think I can endure his dirty looks or Jayne beating the hell out of me or River being worse because of me or the Captain shipping us out...”
“So it finishes here?”
“I...I suppose so”
Simon rushed to the infirmary, he couldn’t bare seeing Kaylee cry because of his stupid cowardness.
…………………………………………….
In the infirmary
…………………………………………….
Simon was injecting River and she was also crying but not because he was injecting her.
“It’s hurting her like hell you BOOB!! She doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this”
“It’s the reason why I did it mei mei but she’s a beautiful girl and surely she’ll find someone better than me...she doesn’t deserve me…. She doesn't...deserve a fugitive like me”
“But it's YOU she wants!! She only sees the care you take of me and your ability to love!”
“I'm not the only one who can do that mei mei besides the captain won’t leave us alone and I don't want him shipping us out because of me.”
“Cap'n daddy won't do that because Kaylee is his mei mei and he don’t wanna see her heart broken...BOOB!!”
And before Simon could answer she was out of the infirmary
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Inara’s bunk
…………………………………………….
Inara was reading when the hatch opened suddenly by a goggle eyed mechanic
“Mei mei what happened?!”
Kaylee ran into her arms and cried her heart out.
“It's Simon...Inara...he don’t wanna be with me no more!” She managed between sobs.
“Oh merciful Buddha this is terrible mei mei... Did he at least give you a reason?”
“Yes... He’s afraid that the Capn’ will ship them out and his dirty
Seems a bit rushed, but still really good.
You've done some excellent work here for your first time, but there are a number of things that need seeing to so you can get 10s for everything else you post here:
1) Speed --> Things moved a tad bit too fast here for my own personal liking. While I like a fast-paced storyline, the amount of events that happened in the span of...a day?...makes a person's head spin. Drop things down a notch and let them flow naturally...don't be afraid to have moments of stalled action;)
2) Voices --> There are a bunch of BDH-shaped people here, but the actual voices are not quite there yet. An example is Inara, in her conversation with Mal about his tyrannical behaviour, starting to sound more like Kaylee than she should. Each character has a cadence that's unique to them..finding them is probably the hardest thing to do;
3) Plot --> Don't be afraid to exposit! You open this story with Simon telling Kaylee they can't be together because of anticipated flack from Mal and the others, but we get no sense of recent examples of said flack to judge for our own selves if Simon's being cowardly or that the crew is misbehavin' in the wrong way. And you had River drug Mal, but seemingly for no reason; he doesn't end up in Inara's bed or Inara and him in his own bunk, so I personally felt that moment became a dropped thread.
However, don't think I didn't enjoy what you did here, KiMbEr...I did. I think you've gotten a good plot idea down here and the characters were moving in plausible directions. I just hope River's efforts to get Mal and Inara together work and quickly;D
BEB
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