A River too deep
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
First time writing porn, let me know if I did it well.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 4956 RATING: 4.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
A River too deep
By. WhiteKnight.
Disclaimer: These characters were merely borrowed and at no time was money ever exchanged. It was just story time.
NC-17
“Captain, we’re here,” the voice over the intercom announced.
“All right, I’ll be right up. Just take her down gently.”
With that, the ship suddenly plowed into the ground a lot harder than Mal would have liked. Shaking his head, he proceeded up the ladder and awaited the door to open. As he waited, he couldn’t help but replay the events that had caused this little detour to become necessary. They had just finished a decent smuggling run when they ran into Reavers. While the damage to the ship was minimal, the loss to the crew was unacceptable. Jayne had spent his take by buying a large supply of drinks and storing them within arms reach. He was so drunk that he didn’t even notice the gun shots above him. Simon said that it was quick and painless, that Jayne didn’t feel anything as his throat got slit. It was little consolation, but it was all that anybody had. The only other bit of strength they had was that they had managed to fight off the Reavers, but sadly at the loss of one. The sudden rush of cool air brought him back to reality. Shaking his head, he stepped off the ship, followed by the majority of the crew.
Kaylee was sitting on a crate, talking to Serenity when she heard a soft and somewhat uncertain voice slip into her ear. Sitting up, she was surprised to see somebody standing no more than a few feet from her.
“Excuse me, ma’am… but I was wondering if you could help me out,” the newcomer shyly asked.
“I can try. What can I do for you,” She replied.
“Well, I was wondering if I could talk with your captain.”
“He’s out and about right now. What do you need to talk to him about,” Kaylee asked.
“I was hoping that he might be able to let me ride along for awhile.”
“Are you willing to pay?”
“Well, that’s the problem… I don’t have any money. I’m willing to work though.”
“Well, the captain needs the money, but what can you do,
isn't there a guideline here against using the firefly 'verse and characters for PORN?
Christ, nothing is sacred anymore...
Glancing over (blushingly, I admit) the more explicit portion of the story, strictly noting the words on the page and how they were formatted rather than the imagery presented, I'd have to say the writing settled down into a more concise presentation with much clearer POV use.
Thank you for the advice. I'll make sure that I pay more attention to those details in future stories. I also want to thank you for being the only one thus far that has taken a more mature view of my writing and it's content.
Grow up, folks. The sensuality is rampant, both on the show and in various fanfics, between the couples of Serenity. It seems to be acceptable, so long as it's the standard coupling. Why is it acceptable to think it, and not express it?
WhiteKnight is merely expressing an alternate view on the same subject. He even states "PORN" at the beginning. If you don't like it, why'd you read it?
See? There's a lil twist in all of us. ;)
Hey, WhiteKnight. Don't let the flack drag ya down. There are those of us who are adult enough to appreciate your writing and admit our own meandering thoughts.
My personal choice? Jayne and River. ;)
::huggles::
tarlah
You state clearly in this piece, as well as your following pieces, that is is porn, both in the description AND at the beginning.
You have a talent for certainly evoking the images, which might be why some are disturbed by it... since they might be somewhat childish and want to pretend nothing like this happens in stories... let alone real life.
Over all, a very good piece. Keep up the good (and "good") work. LOL.
This is my major posting, since I doubt you want me ranting at the idiots in every posting for your stories. But your stories are all very good. Grats and kudos to you.
Other problems come with the blatancy of the Gary Stu. You literally kill off his only real threat, and even comment on that, seemingly without any knowledge of what this says about your knowledge of storytelling, character and motivation. If the only way to have your Gary Stu getting it on with River is to kill off a character off screen, you've failed as a writer. It's lazy writing, as is having all the characters automatically love your Gary Stu. If you just wanted to write porn, you didn't need to kill off a character, and you didn't need to have everyone love him. Why couldn't River have simply encountered this fellow in a bar?
All of this aside, you're not a bad writer- you simply seem to have no awareness of any of the conventions behind fiction/fanfiction. Google Mary Sue/Gary Stu or bad fanfic, and you'll see what I mean. Even great writers tend to make these mistakes at first, and these sorts of sites really helped me improve.
The only real writing problem you have is with the dialogue, which seems false sometimes- but I suspect that's a casuality of the porn format.
Hope this helps. Good luck, and try to stay off the whole "she likes it really" path. It's just ludicrous.
Viper
@all who have read this story and not liked it- I am neutural. While I beleive that killing someone else's character is wrong, i also think some people enjoy writing about it. It is interesting to see new POV's and such. Ok story, try to tone down the actual graphic sex though. Sex is best used as comic releif in my book ;)
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