The 10 Things Kaylee Wouldn't Want to Know
Friday, December 1, 2006
I just woke up this morning, and this was in my brain-pan. I think I'm probably more than a little ill at this point. Seriously, I've got to seek professional help.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 5008 RATING: 9.0 (PG) SERIES: FIREFLY
The 10 Things Kaylee Wouldn't Want to Know
Poor, poor Kaylee. So naive, so trusting. A bundle of hugs is our favorite Firefly mechanic. Sure, everyone aboard Serenity wants nothing but the best for Kaylee. That's why it's probably just as well that certain items of note never become common knowledge to our Miss Frye.
1. Although Kaylee is content to know nearly every seedy detail of Inara's stock and trade (despite how much she may outwardly display to the contrary), she would be more than a little jolted to know that Inara once accommodated a client and a certain member of his mutant cow livestock. This was a lapse in judgement which has never been discussed by Inara to anyone else in the 'Verse.
2. Some of the more horrifying details surrounding Shepherd Book's mysterious past would, if known, cripple even Jayne's eroded sensibilities. Kaylee, however, would never pray again if the truth were revealed that the good Shepherd once blew a Firefly class boat out of the sky -- carrying women and children, no less -- and has considered climbing abroad Serenity a sort of celestial punishment.
3. Kaylee is no stranger to Mal's confusing sense of honor and duty. Her smile would fade, however, if things wouldn't have gone according to plan whilst delivering all those head of cattle. The truth is that Kaylee's favorite captain in the tight pants would have blown those poor cows out the airlock and into the cold black if the alliance (or worse) would have forced his hand. Note the lack of netting and harnesses to protect the cattle from unexpected gravity loss if you don't believe it.
4. Still unable to fully shake the deep-seated fear of River Tam, Kaylee's survival instincts tingle whenever her crazy little partner in jacks comes around. The reason for this may be the horrible fact that River knows the exact way she would kill Kaylee if she ever became a viable target -- a scenario which has come much closer to fruition than anyone would ever be comfortable with.
5. The apple of Kaylee's eye
1) Inara got into a threesome that involved a mutant cow?!? Oh geez...I think Kaylee would only be one of several people to have problems dealing with that amongst Serenity's crew;)
2) This...this one is the least absurd, if you ask me. And it fits the whole character of Book to have blown up an early model Firefly carrying women and children to safety to keep some nasty Alliance secret from getting out:(
3) Ooh...this one is dark and nasty. Believable too, if only in that Mal would vent the cargo bay to rid himself of illegal cargo that's not easily stowed into the smuggling compartments. Would be kinda hard to disguise the carcasses of a head of cattle floating through space. I personally like to think Kaylee would have begged Mal not to do it, then actually push the button herself when Mal wouldn't back down:(
4) Ooh...this thought intrigues me, if only cuz it makes my own brain churn through dark posibilities to figure out what the scenario is. Probably deals with River being Serenity's pilot now, or that she's Kaylee's unofficial sister-in-law through Simon;)
5) Nice work with linking Inara and Simon's entries! Gotta quibble though...not sure how Kaylee would react to tales of Simon's crazier surgical cases. Re-attaching a girl's leg successfully would be damn gruesome to view first hand...but it strikes me first-response EMTs and firemen - or whatever the 26th century equivilent is for them - would be the ones cutting open the cow to save the VIP;)
6) Jayne smooched Stitch Hessian before dumping him out the ship's airlock? Wow...that's crazy but not horrible. I would imagine Kaylee having issues dealing at first, but I could see her eventually coming to grips to Jayne either being sly and covering up or being slight (my 'Versified term for bisexuality;D)
7) Oh...now this would definitely scar our little mechanic! Though if Kaylee hated Capissen 38-powered boats because of engine reliability issues...then why would Wash prefer flying said kinds of boats less the Capissen 38 has advantages to the Trace Compression Block in raw horsepower...
8) Ok...this is just the height of a Kaylee snapper! The knowledge Zoe destroyed a crate of valuable fruits to punish disobedient troops and kept a secret stash of the fruit for her own self? Would blow her mind to mushy sludge. Then provoke Kaylee to wail on Zoe with her adjustable wrench;D
9) Oh...now this would really hit her hard. Slave labour making the dress...yep, Kaylee would flip. Tear the dress to shreds, burn it and probably spend hours in the shower trying to clean the "blood" off herself.
10) Now this would be the biggest blow to Kaylee, if it was "true"...complete and utter emotional annhililation if Kaylee found out Serenity thought her half-assed at her job and possible prefer a doink like Bester mucking around in her innards:(
BEB
I have to agree with dreadpirate that there is something to be said for naivete...
Too much information...aargh!
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