Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, I just like messing with their heads. Nobody's getting paid.

Scene 1

(Persephone. Airlock. Inara is arriving with trunks and baggage.)

MAL: ‘Lo Inara. Trip’s only a week out. You plan on setting up shop there?

INARA: Be nice or I’ll give your present to Jayne.

JAYNE: She brought gifts? Go on Mal, give her a hard time!

MAL: Just for that I’m on best behavior.

INARA: How will we tell? (sniffs) Who’s been eating garlic?

KAYLEE: Everybody! (hugs her) Perks up a meal no end.

ZOE: Cook’s marking territory. You can tell who’s crew in the dark.

SIMON: (gets a hug) Sort of like all getting the same tattoo, but edible. You’re also not stuck with it for life. Do you want help with your things?

INARA: Please, I’ll be staying in the shuttle. I didn’t want to impose. Where’s River?

SIMON: Piloting.

MAL: Like a duck to water. Jayne, help the lady with her sundries. No pawing through or shaking suspicious gift shaped packages. I’ll go let QBG know you’re on board. She’s whipping up some kind of welcoming tea party or some such. Music tonight.

INARA: I’m sure that will be lovely, thank you. The cook’s a she?

ZOE: Very much so.

INARA: QBG?

ZOE: Queen Bitch Goddess.

INARA: Sounds pleasant.

ZOE: Usually, but she’s earned it a time or two.

INARA: I’ll try to keep that in mind. So when are you due?

ZOE: Not soon enough. Two months give or take. Doc here and his nurse think I may go a little early.

INARA: You have a nurse now?

KAYLEE: Shanty again.

INARA: Cooking, music, medicine. What else does she do on board, and where does she find the time?

JAYNE: Keeps the captain’s bunk warm.

KAYLEE: Jayne!

JAYNE: Well, it ain’t in her official duties. More like fringe benefits, or should I say trim benefits?

INARA: Can you get more crass? Never mind, the answer is yes.

Really, with Mal?

Simon: Really. With Mal.

INARA: Hope it puts him in a better mood. I’d better go introduce myself to this prodigy of womanhood, then get settled in. It w