Ties that Bind: Trying to Understand
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Shepherd Book breaks the law, Kaylee is arrested, Mal’s plan goes wrong before it even starts and Simon is still prohibited from all use of silverware.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3909 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Chapter Four:
Gabriel and Comworth both stood and walked over to discover what had upset Regan enough for the protective mother to drag her daughter out of bed. Simon was pinned in the armchair by innocent River, who had been thrust so close to him, forced to stare at the red scars running up and down her arm.
"I told her," River assured her brother, who was as pained at seeing the arms now as he had been when putting the cream on them. "Punishment. She didn't believe me. She said it wasn't right."
"This looks like abuse, Simon," Gabriel said with a just anger. "Those criminals you've been cavorting with . . ."
"They didn't do it," Simon said, wishing he could stand and look his father in the eye. "I didn't do it. River did it."
"River cut herself?" Regan said. "Simon, how could you . . ."
"But I did," the girl said, trying to turn to her mother. Regan, however, was behind her daughter, so she ended up talking primarily to Governor Comworth. "Simon wouldn't punish me--he couldn't. I did it. I kissed a boy and I . . . I fell over the waterfall."
"Fell over a waterfall?" Gabriel demanded of his son.
"It's a metaphor," Simon sighed. "That's practically the only way she speaks anymore. Haven't you noticed?"
"River, you told me it was a punishment," Regan said, spinning her daughter around so that the tips of her brown hair flew in Simon's face.
"It was," River insisted. "I thought it was. I was confused."
"Confused?" Gabriel harrumphed. "What do you mean? You don’t remember who cut you?"
“I remember,” River said. “I remember everything.”
“River, who did this?” Regan pleaded. “Was it Simon? Was it one of his bad friends?
River laughed. “They’re not his friends,” she said. “They pity us, they adore us, they respect us, they mock us. You mix it up, it doesn’t turn into friendship.”
“River,” Simon said although he didn’t know why.
She turned to look at him and smiled softly. “They’re better than friends, aren’t they?” She asked. “They’re like a family.”
Simon smil
I hate to say this but Simon's family really are a bunch of hearless hundans. But I think his godfather is starting to see things his way.
Sorry to digress but you've got another Canadian here and my initials even match my home province eh.
Please keep the story coming. I got to find out if his godfather lets him and River go or if Mal and company rescue them.
First, you have an exceptional grasp of the characters and of the show. You've remained as faithful to Joss Whedon's brain-child as any person who wasn't Joss Whedon could possibly be. Not only this, but you are able to develope the characters without straying from the previously established chemistry set by the show (that is to say, Mal and Inara haven't kissed, Book is still a preacher, and Jayne and Kaylee don't have a 'thing' going on).
Second, your characterization of River is phenominal. Capturing a pre-established character who demonstrates an abstract and stylized manner of thought and speech is an enormously difficult task, one that - so far - nobody else has been able to capture so readily. The interaction between her and Simon and how it affects the interaction of them with the rest of the characters is displayed with uncanny accuracy.
Finally, your story-telling style is easy to read, concise, and leaves the reader always wanting more. You're able to give enough information to bring an allure to your tale, but not enough so as to tease. Your stories are well-paced and action packed despite the absence of actual 'fist-and-gun' action. Making social interaction an edge-of-your-seat afair is not an easy task, for the most part.
That was a brief stint about what was good. Now here's the bad. ;)
You need to proof-read your writing. There are a few errors that I caught which disrupted the flow of reading and momentarily pushed me away from the fantasy. I'd suggest getting someone else to proof-read for you, as a second set of unbiased eyes tends to notice more.
While on the subject of editing, be careful of redundant statements or 'fall-back' characterization. An action that repeats itself without noting that it's a repeated action seems confusing and sloppy (for example, Simon took a deep breath twice in a row, either in this or the last installemnt, yet it seemed more like you'd forget that you'd already used that action once before). Not only that, but sometimes characters get 'stock-responses'; things characters do that seem more habitual of the writer rather than habitual of the character.
Other than that, you have a very skilled hand for writing. I'm always excited when I come to a piece of your work (I'm reading all these fanfics from the bottom up). Good work!
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