Board Dispute - Please Help

Y'know, Byte, there are those in this world with whom you may never get along. (And I mean "you" in the general sense, because I've sure as hell got some of those folk in my own life, both virtually and in real life, and some of them are family!)


You can't spend too much time on it. Lots of stuff, you'll never agree on, but a few things, you will.



"I supported Bush in 2000 and 2004 and intellegence [sic] had very little to do with that decision." - Hero

"I was wrong" - Hero, 2012

Mitt Romney, introducing his running mate: "Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States, Paul Ryan!"

Rappy's response? "You're lying, gullible ( believing in some BS you heard on msnbc ) or hard of hearing."

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Byte, I honestly don't see where there ought to be a problem. Perhaps your reconstruction is incomplete, but your responses seem to have little to do with what Oonj was saying. Truly, I don't see any insult or putdown from him/her, not even an unintentional one. There's just nothing there.

I do recall something like this happening between you and I, which settled quickly and peacefully when I refused to engage. Remember? It worked out fine. I really wasn't upset with you at all.

The theme seems to be that the only one seeing the *dislike* is you. Believe me, I understand how hard it is to live with that state of mind, but I hope you know enough not to buy into it. You know you have a tendency toward paranoia about this, so fight it. Don't trust these negative feelings when they come. But I'm glad you didn't run away either. I agree with Niki that airing PMs is weird, but I think it's healthier for you to talk about it, though it must have been a scary risk for you to take.

I tell you - no one dislikes you. I guarantee it. No one is out to hurt you. Please just consider that people have their own inner lives and their own reasons for saying stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with whether they like you or not. I say this not because I want to start something with you - believe me I don't! - but because I do actually like you, and I enjoy your input here. I think it'd be even better to converse with you if I didn't worry about having to prove my good feelings.

Hmm. Maybe you can think of it as a courtesy. Do folks the courtesy of believing in their sincerity. If they don't like you, let them prove it, rather than always looking to prove it for them. That may seem weird, but as an anti-social person myself, I find an approach like that oddly empowering. I let the negativity live in other people, rather than focusing on it myself.

Hope something in my ramble is helpful.

(((((hugs)))))

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10/2, Byte to Oonj:
"Well, I conflate insults all the time, so I can't fault you for giving me a taste
of my own medicine.

But let's not pretend your suggestion that I quarantine my feelings to a single thread
was a meant as constructive and positive advice.

And besides: it hasn't worked. As you noted, I've tried before to stop gushing negativity everywhere. By LEAVING."


Essentially the same as her reconstruction above. I found it in the junk folder a week
after it was sent.


10/9, Byte to Oonj (3rd PM):

Look, you messaged me first. And you keep messaging me. But fine, you want impartiality
and fairness?

Then why don't you post what you sent me to the board, and ask them what they think. If
they think I'm off base, then I'll apologize, and I'll even make that thread you mentioned.
If they think that you could have worded things better, then you don't talk to me again.
Agreed?

........

I thought this one over quite a while. When I sent my response, I got an error message from
the board & I assume the message was not sent. Since Byte hasn't seen it, I won't put it here.

I thought about it some more, then sent the one she posted: "I am not much in favor of ..."

Byte: "And you keep messaging me."
Actually, our PMs were one to one.

I'm not going to elaborate on the issue just now. And if y'all are not interested, I'll be happy to drop it.

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Quote:

---

To start, your reconstruction must be missing something, because Oonj's response started "I'm not ignoring you".

---

It's a time stamp issue. I responded to her when she first messaged me, but the message was directed into her junk folder, and she didn't get back to me for a few days. She said that as a courtesy.

My messages from here also get directed into my junk folder. I have to check it regularly, like a second inbox.

Well, I'm hearing all of you. I'd like you to know that when I get bothered by something, it's because I'm genuinely upset, it's not because I'm putting on an act to score points in an argument. That would be a cheap move - I'd rather be wrong and have to apologize than engage in deceitful behaviour to win a hollow victory. My points should be able to stand on their own, apart from whatever emotional reaction I might also be having. That's why whenever I object to an argument on an emotional level, as in the cartoonist thread, I try to bring a reasoned response in later.

However... Just as I can't change how I feel (such as being hypersensitive sometimes), I can't change how you feel, and I concede what you have told me as valid.

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Oonj, it appears I owe you an apology.

In retrospect, I have been a bit of a shit. I thought that there were all these comments in threads that you had directed at me, on top of what I saw as insults here. But, it sounds as though they weren't insults, rather you were actually asking me to clarify, but I reacted negatively to the language instead of the intent.

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