Common regrets of the dying
POSTED BY: Magonsdaughter
UPDATED: Tuesday, January 6, 2026 05:41
VIEWED: 3637
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Quote:Hey Niki,
Originally posted by Niki2:
Mmm, Cav, ouch. You make me ashamed.
Wow. Shame. I'm sorry. That's a heavy sentence (pun intended). The wisest thing I got to say about that is, "Well, it's always good to know where our shame is." Also, shame is the only thing I would ever say "get over it" about. I say that because there is no other solution to that problem. We feel shame about a thing exactly until we stop feeling shame about it. Period. No one can do a damn thing about our shame, but us. That's a purely inside job.
Or to paraphrase the Buddha: the only cure for humiliation is humility.
We all have things we're afraid to do. We all sit on our hands. But we can move that mountain in time. The transformation of suffering into wisdom is the true alchemy. I'll take that over turning lead into gold any day. The truest thing I said in my last post was "Nobody changes without doing one hard thing." You may be fixated on the wrong hard thing (or things). Some things ARE too hard--for now, under the circumstances, etc. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let them go. Focus on the "hard but not impossible." Or better yet, "the hard but almost not really hard."
Thanks for listening.
HKCavalier
Hey, hey, hey, don't be mean. We don't have to be mean, because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
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HKCav ?
Some wounds never heal.
Sometimes my comforts are, at the end of the day, all I really have.
And thus I treasure them, sure.
Hooray for hedonism, I say - and be DAMNED to the fucked up Puritan notion that suffering is good for you.
You oughta know better.
-Frem
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Mmmm, Frem is another "wounded", too. And I think we share one thing in common; it won't get better, no matter what we do. In my case, it's called "degenerative disc disease", meaning it'll just get worse as time goes on.
But yeah, it's far from the end of the world, and I'm damned grateful when I think about what others endure.
There's a big difference--to me anyway--between a momentary "ashamed" and actual "shame". Nitpicking I suppose, but I don't have actual shame--it's one of the things I learned when I self-educated on bipolarity, the absurdity of carrying around "guilt" or "shame" because of my condition. It usually takes those of us who end up on disability a few years to get past that, especially when we see our mates continue to go to work every day, but it's what we strive for. It took me about three years, but that was ages ago, so it rarely bothers me anymore. I walk with my cane and continue to get out--THAT I'm determined to do.
But it's like Frem; the things that happen to our body (brain being part of same) we didn't do to ourselves or choose to have, so guilt and shame are not just a waste, but self-destructive.
Still would like to hear from others what their regrets are--or think they would be at the end of their lives. The ones listed may be the "most common", but I'll bet there are a lot more UNcommon ones...
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My comforts are what keep me alive, faire, swimming, singing, loved ones, and yes food. If I can't have the things I need then I will end it period. So I can't really get on board with Cavellier's advice, but it looks like he finds it helpful so that's cool for him.
All my regrets are things I can't do anything about anyways, out of my control. I guess one that might be within my grasp is that I want to impart certain things, certain important things to the world while I'm here, to people I care about, but I can't seem to succeed at that. Maybe it just takes time.
I have Kathy Bates on speed dial, mwa ha ha ha (in exaggeratedly evil voice)
"A completely coherant River means writers don't deliver" KatTaya.
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Quote:Hey Frem,
Originally posted by FREMDFIRMA:
HKCav ?
Some wounds never heal.
Sometimes my comforts are, at the end of the day, all I really have.
And thus I treasure them, sure.
Hooray for hedonism, I say - and be DAMNED to the fucked up Puritan notion that suffering is good for you.
You oughta know better.
I kinda don't know what you're talking about and I kinda think I do. I believe it to be entirely likely you and I have some genuine disagreements, but you ain't hit on one here. You gravely misunderstand me if you think I'm saying suffering is good for you. Like we should seek it out, or as if folk who suffer are better than them what don't. I'm saying it's a profound work of healing if and when we turn our suffering into wisdom. It ain't a natural consequence, or boy howdy, this world would have more wisdom than it knew what to do with! And I'm not talking about pleasure or hedonism or joy or delight or fun, I'm talking about comfort. Don't play the "you should know better" card unless you have a better idea what I'm talking about, okay?
HKCavalier
Hey, hey, hey, don't be mean. We don't have to be mean, because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
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Since I've cycled into and out of extreme pain a few times, I've made some personal observations:
Pain changes my world. When my pain grows, my world shrinks: to the next step I have to take, the next task I have to do, the next item I have to lift. Normally small, simple things become large obstacles.
Pain changes who I am. The one time my pain dramatically lifted I realized how happy and hopeful I quickly became. By contrast I realized how unhappy and hopeless pain had made me over time. Life was a grueling grudge match that I was hoping to last through.
Pain changes my perspective. Like any stress it makes me short-sighted and hyper-focused on a few specific salient things, like a person under siege.
SignyM: I swear, if we really knew what was being decided about us in our absence, and how hosed the government is prepared to let us be, we would string them up.
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I don't know what regrets I'll have when I am dying, but I think they could possibly be:
I put too much effort into my working life to the detriment of family and friends
I didn't take enough risks, but played it safe rather than being adventurous
I was preoccupied with the minutia of life, but did not pay enough attention the big picture
I wasn't smart with my finances
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Meh... you are what you are, and you lived life the way you probably were intended to live it.
Who's to say that your friends wanted to stay in touch w/ you ? Sometimes folks grow apart for a reason.
Sometimes expressing one's true feelings only leads to fighting and name calling. ( Like here )
Perhaps some have worked too hard, because they didn't work smarter. I think that's something almost anyone could regret, is not budgeting their time better, or focusing on what's important. Or not... it's kinda hard to say.
Sometimes it's tough to know what it is that truly makes us 'happy'. Many confuse having fun w/ being happy. Trips to Vegas and hang gliding in Rio may be 'fun', but will they really make you happy?
" We're all just folk. " - Mal
" AU, that was great, LOL!! " - Chrisisall
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Quote:
“Before someone’s tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today.” ~Michelle C. Ustaszeski
As tough as it sometimes feels, change and loss are woven into life. We cannot live a full life without them.
Although both can be painful, they push us into a greater understanding of what matters in life, and they can help us become clearer about who we are since they provide a platform for substantial growth.
Over the past couple of years I’ve experienced many changes as I’ve transitioned from one chapter to the next. The one constant through all of that change has been my right hand man, my best friend: my dog Tucker.
My 80-pound golden retriever buddy came to me at the darkest period of my life. I adopted him when I was suffocating in a deep depression, and he became my earth angel that helped pull me out.
He has been by my side through all the failed romantic relationships, horrible bosses, and seemingly wrong turns in life. Through all the chaos he’s calmed me down and kept me grounded.
After a series of layoffs, a break up, and overcoming drug and food addictions, I thought everything would be fine because Tucker and I had made it through the darkness—until a couple weeks ago, when a veterinarian found a tumor in his nose attached to his brain. The likelihood of it being cancerous was extremely high.
Although Tucker is sick, we still have time together. Through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about what matters in life.
Here are some of the top lessons I’ve learned from Tucker:
Make Your Time Count
I spent so much time trying to be somewhere else—in another job, another relationship, another place. In my effortless pursuit to get to the greener grass, I was missing life. It wasn’t until my best friend was diagnosed with a life threatening disease that I saw the grass I’m standing on just needs a little water.
I realize now that I have been sleepwalking through life. I was awake but always looking ahead to feel fulfillment. I couldn’t be happy with where I was, whether it was with boyfriends, my job, or where I choose to live.
But now, I see things more clearly. Where we are standing right now is what matters. And my personal attention to the moment is what was lacking. Now that I live here, in the present, I feel more abundant, successful, and fulfilled then ever before.
What we do with each hour is up to us. We always say, “I don’t have enough time.” But every moment could be a lifetime. I don’t know how much time I have left with my dog—an hour, a day, weeks, months—but I know I have this moment.
Choose Happiness Now
I believe that we always have enough time, money, and energy for what is most important to us. Disease, divorce, or the death of a loved one are all jarring reminders about what really matters most.
Life happens and forever rushes forward. But the present moment is what we have, so choose to be happy and love right now. Don’t wait until the future to be happy, because it’s not a destination. Happy starts right now by appreciating this moment and fully embracing it.
Love More Deeply
This is our opportunity to choose happiness and love. It will never come to us when we search for it out there.
Yes, my best friend is sick—but he’s still here. I can still hold his paw and cuddle with him. It’s these moments that really matter. Our loving human connections make a difference.
Over the past few months, I connected with everyone I knew and asked for his or her love and support. When we are going through a difficult time in life—layoff, disease, bankruptcy, or whatever—know that you are not alone.
There is power in a collective consciousness uniting together to support and love one another.
The people we show up for, the energy we spend serving and helping others, can make the grass green where you’re standing.
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Sorry HKC - My internet's been broken for a week and more and I really did wanna respond to that.
Big difference between adversity and suffering, and it come across a little bit like the old tripe I hate so much.
Quote:
Unlike other forms of child abuse, emotional abuse is rarely denied by those who practice it. In fact, many actively defend their psychological brutality, asserting that a childhood of emotional abuse helped their children to "toughen up." It is not enough for us to renounce the perverted notion that beating children produces good citizens—we must also renounce the lie that emotional abuse is good for children because it prepares them for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some individuals who were prepared for a hard life that way—I met them while they were doing life.
-Andrew Vachss
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html
This comes especially poignant to me after the recent suicides of both a 9yr old and 7yr old in Detroit, and also touches on WHY I go so far out of my way to do stuff to give kids memorably positive moments - because it is those moments, of when they were truly happy, which act as a bulwark and keep people going when things get rough.
But yeah, I figure I misunderstood your argument and where you were goin with it, sure.
Plus, obviously, a sensitive topic with me, that is - cause it's those myths which cause so much damage, yanno ?
-Frem
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