My humble attempt at a Firefly story
POSTED BY: dreamslaughter
UPDATED: Thursday, June 3, 2010 23:22
VIEWED: 7037
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http://blog.dreamslaughter.com/2010/06/precious-firefly-fandom-story.h
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Hey there. Not sure why you didn't post in the Blue Sun Room, I guess maybe you wanted to be unique.
Pretty good. I especially liked the first part, with the action and fighting and job-gone-wrong.
The earring and it's brain tendril was pretty squick, you could feel something bad was going to happen from the moment you describe it. I'm a little curious as to why it had the effect it did even when the crew hadn't put it in. Also how members of the crew who don't have their ears pierced put it in. I suspect that's another squick, and that I don't want to examine that too closely.
You did get a little OOC I think when the earring was going around. That was probably intentional, but even so, I think I might have liked to see the effects of the earring, with the obsession and paranoia and backstabbing happening with the characters still approximately in character.
Or maybe the earring has these little spider legs that pop out, so they can take crew members unawares...
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Thanks for the reply.
I'm not familiar with this forum, just joined. Had I known that Blue Sun Room was more appropriate I would have put it there. My bad.
The earring is obviously some kind of high tech magical device. If it can do what it did to Kaylee, there's no reason it can't have some kind of affect by just looking at it. That was my thought anyway.
I like your suggestion about no one having pierced ears, It's a good point and I'll fix it. I'll make it a clip on earring. That's what editors and notes from others are for. You are the first feedback I have received and I will make a couple of changes. Thanks.
I wrote this in about six hours and really didn't go back and analyze it too critically. There was a limit on its length of about 10,000 characters, though I did go over by a little bit.
Thanks for the input.
Browncoats forever!
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Read this last night, too.
The Earring for the Ring, made for an interesting parallel.
The line about "the most beautiful woman Mal had ever seen" took me clear out of your narrative, though...we all know Inara holds that distinction:)
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Quote:
The line about "the most beautiful woman Mal had ever seen" took me clear out of your narrative, though...we all know Inara holds that distinction:)
In all fairness, "the most beautiful woman Mal had ever seen" used to be a man. If the mustache comment is anything to judge by.
Now, maybe knowing that the lady used to be a man doesn't bother Mal, he's not homophobic at all, but I do get the distinct impression that despite her beauty, Mal isn't attracted.
And besides, maybe dude-looks-like-a-lady is attracted to other women, and not roguish male captains.
Gender reassignment does makes things confusing, doesn't it?
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@ PLATONIST
Yes, I had a problem with this too. Inara is obviously the most beautiful.
I'll go back and change it to the "SECOND most beautiful woman"
Thanks for the note.
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Keep it simple, how about just a beautiful woman?
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:Quote:
The line about "the most beautiful woman Mal had ever seen" took me clear out of your narrative, though...we all know Inara holds that distinction:)
In all fairness, "the most beautiful woman Mal had ever seen" used to be a man. If the mustache comment is anything to judge by.
Now, maybe knowing that the lady used to be a man doesn't bother Mal, he's not homophobic at all, but I do get the distinct impression that despite her beauty, Mal isn't attracted.
And besides, maybe dude-looks-like-a-lady is attracted to other women, and not roguish male captains.
Gender reassignment does makes things confusing, doesn't it?
Okay, I see that I wasn't clear about this. I meant for Lillacutt to have said this to Mal. I reread it and it is unclear. Either Mal or Lillacutt could have said it. I corrected it.
ps - I thought about the concept of Lillacutt being a man and it is interesting, but decided not to go there. Thanks for the head's up.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Platonist:
Keep it simple, how about just a beautiful woman?
How about "one of the most beautiful women Mal had ever seen"?
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Put a notes credit for you guys at the bottom.
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