Hollywood does Firefly...
POSTED BY: CorporateDog
UPDATED: Thursday, February 26, 2004 22:31
VIEWED: 10453
PAGE 1 of 4
While discussing the Serenity movie on another board, someone jokingly raised the possibility of Firefly being ripped from Joss' hands, and being turned into a Typical Hollywood Product.
In response, I created this nightmare of a trailer description. Firefly, as only Hollywood could ruin it!!!
Enjoy....
Quote:
Originally posted by Joe DizzyGee... hollywood is really milking the movie-based-on-tv-show-thing for all its worth. I bet they'll totally screw it up by "re-imagining" it and "updating" it for the new millenium.
Ominous Voiceover Guy: In a universe where right and wrong balance on the tip of a bullet...
Shot of a Mexican Standoff between Mal (now played by Tom Cruise), a random thug, and an Alliance soldier.
Mal: Y'all wanna play? Alright... let's PLAY!
Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and allies are a cash commodity...
Shot of Jayne, now played by the Rock, pointing a finger in Mal's face.
Jayne: You don't want a knife in your back? You BETTER make sure I get my cut!
Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... one man...
Shot of Mal talking to Zoe, now played by Beyonce Knowles.
Mal: Ever since Serenity Valley, I feel so... detached. Like nothing really matters, anymore.
Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and his crew of renegades...
Series of quick shots of the crew. Wash, now played by Will Ferrell. Kaylee, now played by Mandy Moore.
Inara, played by Catherine Zeta Jones. Simon & River, played by Some Heartthrob from a WB Teen Soap Opera
and Christina Ricci.
Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... will try to make one last heist...
Shots of stacks and stacks of gold bars, filling a high-tech vault.
Voiceover by Mal: Alliance gold... 10 billion credits worth...
Shot of the entire crew, sitting around the table in Serenity's galley.
Mal: ... and it's ours for the taking!
Ominous Voiceover Guy: ... and escape with their lives.
Quick shot of a running gun battle between the crew and some Alliance soldiers.
Money shot of a souped-up Serenity firing lasers at an Alliance cruiser.
Cut to Serenity's cockpit, where Wash pumps a fist in the air.
Wash: Yeah!
Ominous Voiceover Guy: This summer...
Shot of River firing MIND BULLETS at some off-screen assailants.
Shot of Book (played by Morgan Freeman) and Mal, walking in on River, as she sits cross-legged on the cargo-bay
deck, levitating some random objects.
Book: God DOES work in mysterious ways, Captain Reynolds.
Mal: He ain't THAT mysterious, Shepherd.
Ominous Voiceover Guy:... Universal Pictures invites you...
Quick shot of Inara and Mal kissing.
Quick shot of Kaylee propelling herself down a ladder in a smokey engine room.
Quick shot of Jayne throwing a haymaker to some mook's chin.
Ominous Voiceover Guy:... to find Serenity...
Shot of Mal and Zoe, getting mentally prepared to dive from the cover of a doorway, guns blazing, ala Butch and Sundance.
Mal: How're we doing?
Zoe: Still breathing, sir.
Mal: Then there's NO way we let them take this ship!
Mal and Zoe charge, and there's an explosion.
The explosion fades to a shot of space, where the title logo "Serenity" appears.
Voiceover by Blue Hand Agent (played by Christopher Walken): It ends here, Captain Reynolds.
Shot of Mal holding a gun to Blue Hand's head, while Blue Hand does the same.
Mal: Then don't blink. You might miss it.
Bang. A new screen appears: "Summer, 2006"
Regards,
Corporate Dog
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
That is too scary to be funny.
I imagine that Joss insisted on creative control of the movie to avoid the problems he has had in the past with Firefly being messed w/ by execs.
If they did butcher it, I would have to boycott the movie.
"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Woah.....that's scary. So scary that I can actually see it hapening in some alternate hellish dimension where...that kind of thing happens. Let's just hope that doesn't turn out to be this dimension. 
------------
"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." -Book
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Oh . . . it was just a . . . bad dream.
It was all a bad, bad dream.
Darn you CD, now I'm going to have nightmares.
Tom Cruise as Mal? *shudder*
No power in the 'verse can stop me.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Damned CHILLING if you ask me. Literally, I had a chill just THINKING about something that horrific. 
Let's pray Joss can keep it out of the 
execs' hands.
Keep flying.
Jayne: "How big a room?"
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Quote:
Originally posted by CorporateDog:
Shot of Jayne, now played by the Rock...
I'm now having visions of "Serenity", presented by WWE... make it stop... make it stop..
Why is it, that any time I hear the Rock get mentioned, Dueling Banjos starts playing in my head? I think I have this subconcious connection between former wrestling stars and Deliverance.
bud-da ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
This must be what going mad feels like...
RIVER
Purple elephants are flying.
MAL
Good. Thanks for the update.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
CD - that was bloody disturbing. YOU are DEFINITELY going to the SPECIAL hell...
LOL!
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
That was just all kinds of hilarious! Thanks!
---
Raven's Prayer
http://webpages.charter.net/anjinm
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME