How to prepare for Deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan (LOONG POST)
POSTED BY: Static
UPDATED: Sunday, February 15, 2004 07:25
VIEWED: 1159
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How to Prepare for the Afghanistan or Iraq Deployment
Your first day in Afghanistan or Iraq can be a real shock to your system. By following these simple steps, you can be mentally prepared for everyday life in Afghanistan. 60 days before you deploy, do the following:
1. Everyone in the house sleep on a cot in the garage. If it is hot in the garage, make it hotter - if it’s cold, make it colder!
2. Replace the garage door with a blanket.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest- level. Keep four inches of soapy, cold water on the floor.
5. Stop cleaning the toilet, no - pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper on the roll. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
6. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off. As a matter of fact, take all the light bulbs out of the bathroom!
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. Tape all the sports you don't like and play them during the day. Play the same one 5 days in a row.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in a closet 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have a friendly paperboy give you a haircut. #1 means: so close he draws blood. #2 means: same as #1. #3 means: leave it long #4 means: same as #3. When he gives you the mirror, no matter what it looks like, smile and get out. (Do not tip with cardboard chips - these are only for change.)
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub. Trash with Top Secret information (your address, name, mail, etc...) must be burned. Do not mix the two! Make your wife inspect the trash before she burns it.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker. Again, in the dark.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and but it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 20 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Replace all the chairs in your house with either folding chairs or milk crates.
22. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
23. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
24. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supp
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You know, even though I'm not planning on joining the army, I think I may try implementing some of these policies in my home. Particularly 5, 31, and 38.
-Steve
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I see the the US Army is taking after the Navy:
http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/3392/humor.html
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