Passing along the random funny...
POSTED BY: chrisisall
UPDATED: Monday, May 1, 2006 19:41
VIEWED: 3484
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Raise you hand if "Ha ha".
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said, "A beer, please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" The doctor replied, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common, Doc?" The doctor answered, "Well, it's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you, "said Dolly. "It's true. No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I had to cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it, too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Ahmal. The other went to a family in Spain that named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the photograph, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replied, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, but because of his Odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!!)......A super-calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally (yup....this is the end of the list), there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Thanks, Sera
Chrisisall
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There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.
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Tommy Cooper style:
1. Two blondes walk into a building...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12.'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' “It's not unusual."
13.A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
18.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
20."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
22.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
I have a friend who seems to spend literally her entire life sending me this stuff in emails. I often have 5 or 6 forwarded to my inbox.
More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.
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Quote:
17.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Ok, that one did it.
Visit WWW.Marillion.Com for a better way to live
"Finding the answer It's a human obsession
But you might as well talk to the stones and the trees and the sea
'Cause nobody knows And so few can see
There's only beauty and caring and truth beyond darkness." -Estonia(This Strange Engine) -Marillion
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Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Should read: Two Reavers were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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I look out for me and mine... that don't include you 'less I conjure it does.
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heres my joke :
A rooster saw a scrambled egg and said "there goes one mixed up kid"
One Day.
One Mission
One Army of Browncoats.
On June 23rd, We Aim To Misbehave.
www.SerenityJune23rd.com
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Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" The doctor replied, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common, Doc?" The doctor answered, "Well, it's Not Unusual."
I found these two laughworthy and I suspect this one might have gotten a laugh if I spoke a different dialect.
Quote:
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it, too.
David
"Not completely as well as the series of Firefly..." - From a review of Serenity at amazon.de
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Are you kidding? I cracked at the 'if you've seen Juan...' one.
oh god, warnings guys! There goes the cup of tea again.
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Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
FozzieWash, You know what I always say: sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
KermieMal, I never Know what the heck you're talking about.
FozzieWash, Hey, look! They're sending us free lumber!
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt
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Quote:Hey! I'm half Irish, and that part of me doesn't think this is funny!
Originally posted by citizen:
22.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
But the English half is still wiping tears from it's eyes, lol!
Anglo Chrisisall
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Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Hey! I'm half Irish, and that part of me doesn't think this is funny!
Only because your Irish side didn't understand it.
Now get back to work on that underwater hairdryer
.More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME