I need help! Family troubles and the like...

POSTED BY: JustShiny
UPDATED: Monday, March 13, 2006 16:37
VIEWED: 6861
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JUSTSHINY

Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:42 AM

My brother and sister have been making my mom crazy. My sis is 13 and my bro is 15. And my mom is one of those people who, if she is mad, she takes it out on everyone. Except my bro and sis are at my dad's house, so she's really taking it out on me.

Right now, she's in my brother's room, putting things in black bags. Which she really shouldn't have to do cause she's already tired. Workin' like 40 hours a week and being a single mom is not fun, as I imagine.

Now, she says she'll throw them away, etc. But she is one of those people who (and I love my mom, but it's just how she is cause she's nice) makes threats like that, and never follows through, which my bro and sis have finally picked up on I guess. So they really don't take her seriously.

Like, she left a note on my brother's door, that asked him to clean his room, which he saw. But afterschool, he still went to his friends house and didn't do anything. My sister, who got off school early today, comes home, watches T.V., eats, and knits things on the couch. Then she doesn't pick up her soda cans (which she leaves on counters or end tables like 10 ft from the garbage) or put away clean dishes.

Anyway, I need help in finding a way to make them respect my mom more because (1) she don't need the stress. (2)I don't need the stress and (3) my brother and sister shouldn't be treating our mom like this.

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:53 AM

Wow...teenagers and parents. Always a fun mix!

I have a 17 year old and a 16 year old, so I can understand a lot of what your mom is going through...but I am still married to the boys' father, so I always have back up :D

Now, the thing is, until your mom starts having real consequences for your brother's and sister's screwups, there isn't going to be any change. Your siblings know this and are going to keep taking total advantage of the situation.

So YES, your brother and sister are jerks, but YOUR MOM created this situation and only she can resolve it. No, it will NOT be easy as sis and bro are used to mom making threats and not following through. She will have to actually set rules, set consequences, and BE CONSISTANT.

Problem is I am betting none of this will happen. How can I say that? I have seen this situation too many times to be hopeful. The only thing you can do is point out that you are not the problem and it is not fair for her to take it out on you. Have a frank, open discussion about this at a time when she is not already raving. Pick a time and set an appointment.

The only thing you can really do is make sure you are not part of the problem and start saving NOW for your own apartment....adulthood comes faster than you could believe.

Remember, your mom will not get respect until she earns it through leadership, example, consistancy, and actually commands it.

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

MSCKAREN

Saturday, March 11, 2006 4:56 AM

Sorry but you can't MAKE other people do anything (unless you want to stand over them with a gun the rest of your life).

You can influence them by being a good example. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe your Mom will even learn something from that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Appears they've cancelled the show and we're still here. What does that make us?"
"Big damn junkies, Sir!"
"Ain't we just."
http://karenallover.blogspot.com/

ITSBROKEN

Saturday, March 11, 2006 6:04 AM

Sounds like your brother and sister do not appreciate what your mom does for them, by that i mean providing a home and all the things she has to give them. I say you call doctor Drew up on loveline and ask him, he'd know. Are they like that with your dad? How much older are you than them? Can you beat them up? (jk about that last part) My sister and I are really sympathetic to my mom, so we feel bad when we start acting like that. I know i used to act like that towards both my parents. Later i sat and reflected and i realized that it was because I was blaming them for everything going wrong in my own life. I was constantly saying, "if my dad hadn't done this" or "if my mom hadnt dont that then my life would be so much easier." Now I have to keep this job to help support my mom and sister, and im still trying to start my life by going to college. Its really tough, seeing other people that are so lucky, but take it for granted. Hopefully they can just open their eyes and see that, but if not, try to find a way to open their eyes. Maybe intervention with a professional? I'd personally use force, yell a lot, and ask them "why the f*** do you treat our mother like this?! you selfish little a**holes! literally tell me why? this is not a rhetorical question!" make them answer me and go from there. But i dont think that is the best way to approach this. Anyway, sorry if i didnt help much, PM me and ill try to help more. I have access to this domestic troubles hotline that my work lets us use for free as part of our benefits, maybe i can find something out for you. You have my thoughts and prayers, hope it works out.

EDIT: as UC pointed out, open discussions are very helpful.

-ME

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*Firefly is my escape, it doesnt work to tell people about firefly because i get too excited and scare them away, i have to set a trap!
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SHINYTALENT

Saturday, March 11, 2006 6:16 AM

You know, I have two younger brothers who walk all over my mum too, and like yours she takes it out on anyone who is around at the time and like you that's usually me.
It's not fun, I know it's hard, there aren't any easy answers and while I don't actually have any advice what I can say to you is that if you ever need to talk or off load then don't hesitate to tag me, us older siblings need to stick together.

I hope things get better for you JS, try and have a good weekend.

The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

GORBISHUN

Saturday, March 11, 2006 8:13 AM

I don't and, never did, have any siblings!

Crap...

«°-:-°»
Also... I can kill you with my brain.

JAYNESBUNKWOMAN

Saturday, March 11, 2006 12:43 PM

WHile i am not a parent I do have many sibling (although I am the youngest ). I do know one thing a woman co-worker of mine did with her husband and it worked - so maybe same would work for your mom and your siblings?? This husbnad used to leave his clothes on the ebdroo floor all the time, and she'd bitch and complain and tell him to out them in the hamper, then she'd put them in the hamper and wash them etc. Well one day she stopped telling him, stopped picking them up and putting them in the hamper, and so he stopped having clean clothes. Well one day lo and behold, he said, hey, how come i don't have any clean clothes. the reply - well, if you'd put them in hamper i would clean them for you! and he changed his evil, ok, just bad ways...
So while this might not work to keep your siblings room clean, it may! And this could be tried for the pop cans and the like, 'cause eventually the table will get filled with them. You and your Mom would have to tolerate a messy house until they clue in but...could work. Or, stop buying pop!

And yeah, honest communication and consistent consquences. Seen what happens without that and very similar to your situation. Not pretty seeing someone you love and respect get dissed' by her kids, whether that's done verbally or by behaviour.

I'll be in Jaynes bunk

NUCLEARDAY

Saturday, March 11, 2006 1:01 PM

Ah my yes, aren't siblings wonderful? My own experience from being the oldest of three was that around the time I finally got some sense into my head, my brother and sister became the trouble-making team.

My best advice is to take yourself out of it as much as possible and try not to choose sides; disciplining your siblings is your parents' responsibility, not yours. (And if yours are anything like mine, they wouldn't listen to common sense coming from you anyways :) Just lead by example, and try to be supportive.

Also agree with the others, real consequences and constistency are the key. Myself, I went through a period when I was younger where I was really just testing the boundaries, seeing exactly what I could get away with. Your mother needs to set specific rules and follow through with specific punishment (odd, isn't it, that raising kids is alot like training puppies? :)

Also, frank discussions are always a little awkward in our family, but sometimes an open and honest dialogue can work wonders. Just letting your mother know how you feel might make her think things through a bit. Regardless, it sounds like you're well on your way to becoming a responsible adult (and being a browncoat never hurts, either :)

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

GRIMJACK21502

Saturday, March 11, 2006 1:16 PM

Take care of yourself.

Support your Mom. It sounds like she is overwhelmed, but when/if you are parent remember this moment...and do things differently.

If you need more support, there are numerous places (in the Real World) where you can find confidential help (school, etc.).

Stay strong...you'll always have the Browncoats.

We will hold...we hold till Mal gets back.

"And once you're gone, you can never come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black"
-Neil Young

GRIZWALD

Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:05 PM

I appreciate how empathetic you are of your mother's feelings. Speaking for the moms out there, thanks.

I personally like her idea of bagging up all the "stuff" in your brother's room, but honestly, it's not hers to give away or throw away. She could always haul it all up to the attic and let him earn it back with careful keeping of his room in future. Example: Your brother is a slob, so you and she go in there and strip down his room to just his bed, his dresser with like 7 sets of underwear and enough school clothes to get him through the week, and bare walls. And everything else gets boxed up and moved to the attic. He'll have a hissy fit when he sees his room turned into a barracks, but hey, he's proven he can't handle all that stuff and needs help. Explain that every Friday, if he has kept his room spotlessly clean and fulfilled a couple of other specific obligations around the house (like it's his job to wipe down the bathroom sink on Monday, Wednesday and Friday before bed, or something), then he can ask for one thing to be returned to his room. One thing. Not one box.

We have done this for my son and he's survived.

Dunno about the slobbo sister. If I were your mum, I think I'd unplug the television and let her earn back her TV privileges. Probably her grades will improve in the meantime. Or she'll knit a lot of stuff.

Hey, there's an idea: Get her a pattern for a Jayne hat and put her to work!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

They couldn't take the sky from them.
Our Big Damn Heroes made a film!

... C'mon Universal, and greenlight a sequel...

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