I finally snapped, about time too

POSTED BY: TheReaver
UPDATED: Friday, March 17, 2006 04:41
VIEWED: 6839
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THEREAVER

Saturday, March 11, 2006 12:36 AM

Today, everything that has happened over the past few months caught up with me and I snapped. But this story starts last October.

October 8th 2005, life was good. I’d recently quit smoking and I felt great about myself. I just came in from seeing Serenity with my friends. Later that night, I received a phone call telling me that my girlfriend of 15 months was dead. She had killed herself.

Being a bipolar I am prone to depression any time but now I really was depressed like I’d never been before. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. I stopped caring about school and my grades started falling rapidly. This is not good in GCSE year.

A few weeks later and I started counselling. This returned to okay. Not quite as it had been before but okay. I did suffer from mild stress having to catch up with all my coursework and stuff. Then things started becoming problematic.

When the youngest children in my school move up a year they start getting cocky and thinking they own the place. They start annoying the older people. At first it was 2 or 3 and I wrote it off as a minor annoyance. It soon escalated to 20-30. It’s really not fun having pieces of wood thrown at you. So I went to see a teacher. Nothing was done. I went to see several more teachers. Nothing was done. I went to see the head of discipline. Nothing was done. Eventually, I took the matter to the head master. Nothing was done.

I’ve been putting up with this shit for ages now, keeping all my rage bottled up, never bothering to release it. Today, I paid the price. We have these sweet things (dolly beads) and they are ring sweets on a piece of elastic. Kids bite them in half and flick the other half. A bit of fun. Unfortunately for one kid, the sweet went in my eye. All that bottled up rage came out and I grabbed the kid around the throat and started shouting at him. Then something unprecedented happened. Through his gasping I made out “well at least I don’t have a dead girlfriend”. I grabbed his throat harder and he started to turn a strange bluish colour. His sister noticed and her and a few of her friends pulled me away before the kid was dead. It was lucky, because if they hadn’t there was no way I was letting go, that’s how bad this anger was.

Anyway, nothing’s been done about it because the head of discipline is a pussy. So discuss how I nearly became a murderer and how it’s not a good idea to keep anger inside.

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I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

MATTCOZ

Saturday, March 11, 2006 12:46 AM

A man comes up against that kind of will, only way to deal with it, I suspect... is to become it. He's following the only course that's left to him. First he'll try to make himself look like one... cut on himself, desecrate his own flesh... then he'll start acting like one. - Mal Reynolds

*backs away slowly*

*runs like hell*

MATTIE

Saturday, March 11, 2006 1:24 AM

Reaver, I'm so very sorry to hear about your crappy last few months! I wish I could give you a big, big hug and tell you that it'll all be okay. You know what though, life is TOUGH! (DUH!)

I'm so glad to hear that you didn't kill that kid, though he may have deserved it. No one should ever, ever say anything like that, I don't care who ya are! I think you should find an outlet, though, so that next time it won't come to almost killing a kid. Karate? Boxing? Biking? Running? Yoga? I dunno, but something that will help you get your aggression out. I know you've probably heard that before, and I hope you don't mind hearing it again, because if you do, then maybe I'll back away and run just like the other guy.

Next time there may not be a sister and her friends to pull you off. Next time, well, let's just not think about a next time.

Wacky fun!

THEREAVER

Saturday, March 11, 2006 1:28 AM

I've found that beating my pillow into submission and screaming in an empty room helps a lot. Also, your sig in context with this thread made me laugh.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

MATTIE

Saturday, March 11, 2006 1:43 AM

Yeah, I thought about my sig before I posted, too. It made me laugh and I wondered for a second if I should change it or not. Obviously I decided not.

Beating a pillow and screaming--that's fantastic! Yelling is something I don't do often enough--not that I'm an angry person, but sometimes it's good to raise your voice. You know what my outlet is? I go to work and try to speak Spanish and then end up lauging at myself. Oh, it makes me feel OH so much better!

Wacky fun!

GUTTERBALL

Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:22 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by TheReaver:
A few weeks later and I started counselling.

If you'll take an honest suggestion without going Reaver on my a$$, heh, you might supplement your counseling with some anger management classes. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have stood up for yourself (and by proxy for your late girlfriend) by any stretch. Never allow someone to stomp on you.

However, anger management isn't just for criminals and drunks. I work in a mental health outpatient facility (some might confuse the staff with the clientele, heh), and I've discovered that anger management courses actually give you strategies for REDIRECTING your anger, rather than making you swallow it. Swallowing that much rage is NEVER healthy and usually leads to a more explosive and dangerous outburst than if you'd just thrown a punch in the first place.

Ask your therapist if he/she could recommend an appropriate group and about payment options. So long as it's not court ordered, anger management shouldn't be full-fee. If you have insurance or Medicaid, you should be okay. If you have neither, most state-run outpatient facilities have a sliding scale fee schedule to offset the cost according to your income.

I hope things glide a deal easier for you in future. It's hard enough to deal with our own problems when others continually bash us over the head with theirs.

________________________________________

Please remember that the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

MIKAMOM

Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:51 AM

I'm not one to suggest counseling. I've had my own crappy experiences with a school counseler and a private counseler. But this is one time when you want to talk to someone professionaly. I know we all run into assholes through out life, but it's not rage that is driving you. I think it's pain and you shouldn't have to deal with that alone. Are there family or friends of your departed girlfriend that you can share with? Man, don't I sound like an after school special? If nothing else, you can talk to me.

mikamom@gmail.com

VETERAN

Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:10 AM

Quote:
TheReaver wrote:

So discuss how I nearly became a murderer and how it’s not a good idea to keep anger inside.

Let's see, Part 1. Judging by your screen alias and your sig, I'd say your anger and potential for violence were always there. Question is, how do you feel now? Ya sorry you did it? or kind a of proud?

Part 2: Definitely not, repression just adds stress and all the bad things that go with it.

Rather than hit people I'd hit things. After I flattened a knuckle on a wall I learned that control was important. Even controlling my anger I found that I still needed an outlet so I bought a heavy bag. Banging on it helped a lot. The other thing that helps is having someone to talk with.

THEREAVER

Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:00 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Veteran:

Let's see, Part 1. Judging by your screen alias and your sig, I'd say your anger and potential for violence were always there. Question is, how do you feel now? Ya sorry you did it? or kind a of proud?

I just picked the name and sig because I thought it sounded good. I'm normally calm and it takes a lot to get me to exploding point. Right now, I am kind of sorry I did it but still angry at that kid because of what he said.

-----------------------
I'll rape you to death.
I'll eat your flesh.
I'll sew your skin into my clothes.
If you're very very lucky, I'll do it in that order - TheReaver

SHINYTALENT

Saturday, March 11, 2006 2:43 PM

Reaver, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel and what you're going through, to an extent, I'm not writing it here but I will say this.
Find a proper outlet before this kills you.
Write, draw, paint, find a sport hell even just go somewhere by yourself and scream all those options are better than this.
You are not alone, trust me.
If you ever need someone to talk to please tag me.

I promise you aren't alone in this.

The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.

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