Divorce epidemic?

POSTED BY: chrisisall
UPDATED: Sunday, August 28, 2005 20:42
VIEWED: 3335
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R1Z

Saturday, August 27, 2005 4:56 PM

Quote:
Is it just me, or is it everywhere I look I see couples, where the people are 30 or over, getting divorced like crazy all of a sudden?
Is this a local phenomenon in the Northeast U.S., or is it more widespread?

To drag this thread, kicking and screaming, back to the original question. . .

I haven't noticed any change is the divorce rate unfolding before my incredulous eyes. Don't know how old you are, Chris, but I have noticed one phenomenon.

Divorce among the folk I know came in a couple of waves.

There were the people I knew who got married just out of high school, who got divorced 5-7 years later.

Then there were the ones who got married as soon as they got their undergrad degrees, who got divorced 5-7 years later. Since you specified 30 or over, you might be witnessing the second wave among folks of your acquaintance.

If so, you can still look forward to the mid-life crisis wave when they guys discover the career they've devoted 20 years to doesn't ever get better, and the women who've waited for the kids to grow up and leave home get divorced, both in an attempt to make themselves over.

People change. You are never the person at 25 that you were at 18. There's another change when your kids leave home and your primary focus is no longer the kids. What I have noticed is this: Some couples have a dominant and a dependant partner, and some couples are two strong independant people, capable of separate existence, who happen to overlap in the process of marriage. It's the second group that lasts.

To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks. --Robt. Heinlein

CHRISISALL

Saturday, August 27, 2005 5:09 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by R1Z:

What I have noticed is this: Some couples have a dominant and a dependant partner, and some couples are two strong independant people, capable of separate existence, who happen to overlap in the process of marriage. It's the second group that lasts.

I'm seeing it in couples around here who are just hitting 40, generally with one or two young grade school children.

One couple in particular that I know well, I wanna smack 'em! Like they didn't know each other's differences for the last 10 years?!??

Anti-mid-life-crisis Chrisisall

BLUESKYSMINE

Saturday, August 27, 2005 8:42 PM

It's better to get divorced than stay in an unhealthy marriage.

I think it might be a trend of today. Being single is more and more acceptable. So why marry if you can live or see your loved one anyway.

I don't believe in marriage and am not going to be 'shackled' by some legal stuff. Real love is better.

SIMONWHO

Sunday, August 28, 2005 3:05 PM

The solution is not to make divorce harder. The solution is to make marriage harder. Make people wait for a year before they can get married, then see how many stick it out.

If you can't wait a year to get married, chances are it is isn't the institution for you.

CHRISISALL

Sunday, August 28, 2005 3:35 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by BlueSkysMine:
Real love is better.

Love is for poets.

Ha! Finally a chance to use that line from Highlander!!

Poet Chrisisall

SIGNYM

Sunday, August 28, 2005 5:51 PM

I think the problem is that people marry in the throes of love (sexual attraction). But then the attraction wears off. People get older, stresses like children, illness, unemployment, even terrorism come into the picture and the couple don't know how to re-negotiate the new relationship or they're unaware that they should even try.

People change over their lifetime. No matter how much "in love" or how compatible they may have been at the begining of a relationship, the only thing that is guaranteed is that it will change. What keeps a marrigae together- and studies show this- is the ability to neogotiate change. And THAT is based on kindness, respect and humor. I did a google search on __long marriage positive interaction__ to find the original study and came up with a slew of references. Here is one: www.uwec.edu/counsel/pubs/marriage.htm

Obviously, this doesn't work if neither or only one person is working on the marriage. If BOTH partners aren't committed to working on their marriage then it SHOULD end in divorce because then you have a power imbalance. I think the answer is in giving people a much more realistic view of marriage to begin with, and requiring three or four months of counseling before divorce- six months if children are involved.

SAFEAT2ND

Sunday, August 28, 2005 6:13 PM

I think it's this "ME" mentality that's taking it's toll. There are a growing number of people out there that can't abide there being any other point of view besides their own. I've been married 14yrs and with my wife for 5years of high school and University before our marrage. What keeps us going is that, while I like being right, I respect her point of view. It can't always be my way. Marriage is composed of 2 people. I can understand that because I'm not 8yrs old. I really believe this is the insurmountable hurtle faced by most people.

That said, I do know that some divorces are just plain due to incompatability.

Safeat2nd, Chief Handyman of Destiny

BLUESKYSMINE

Sunday, August 28, 2005 7:14 PM

>>>The solution is not to make divorce harder. The solution is to make marriage harder. Make people wait for a year before they can get married, then see how many stick it out.<<<

Maybe this would work for some, but in the end, the main cause for divorce isn't that the beginning was wrong. I guess it's more what happened on the way, during the years, that broke the union between two people.

We need more mutual understanding.

CHRISISALL

Sunday, August 28, 2005 8:38 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by safeat2nd:
What keeps us going is that, while I like being right, I respect her point of view. It can't always be my way. Marriage is composed of 2 people.

I'm lucky in that it is always MY way, my wife understands this, and makes the proper allowances.
(BTW, she is a model Cherry 2000 manufactured in '04)

Of course, you're entirely correct. It must be 50/50, or it's nothing at all.

Bottom line Chrisisall

CHRISISALL

Sunday, August 28, 2005 8:42 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by SignyM:
And THAT is based on kindness, respect and humor.

Like the Bush administration, I prefer relationships that are based on fear.
*cracks his whip*

Just kidding...

I'm a lover AND a fighter Chrisisall

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