An intervention Malicious

POSTED BY: Rat
UPDATED: Saturday, January 29, 2005 22:15
VIEWED: 7809
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ZOID

Thursday, January 27, 2005 6:11 AM

"Sure, Ebo!" zoid says loudly, looking at the gathering dark clouds, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Mistress' petticoats as She goes to smite the infidels. "Plenty of room in here for the Faithful," louder now, "who know which side their bread is buttered on!"

Whispered to Ebo, whilst cowering in foxhole, er, 'fighting position' (foxholes become fighting positions when females are present): "Just remember: No matter what, don't look back."

C'mon, Ebo! Sing along! (nudges Ebo and waves hands in air):

Oh 'Lishus, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock,
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock,
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok...

Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Mal,
In a Rotissomat...

Grovelingly,

zoid (the actual one, now that he's clear of the danger of flying body parts and associated simmering goo)

P.S.
With thanks to Monty Python for the Divinely toadying hymn, used absolutely without permission of any kind, and unapologetically stolen from http://www.intriguing.com/mp/
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

THEREALME

Thursday, January 27, 2005 6:30 AM

* The Real Me jumps into the foxhole, too. He looks around, puzzled. *

Say, where are the foxes?

The Real Me

(The Real Me cannot currently receive messages from this site; he is not ignoring you.)

ZOID

Thursday, January 27, 2005 6:44 AM

TRM, who had better sense than those soon to be known as 'the deceased', asked:

Quote:
...Say, where are the foxes?

A couple of counties over by now, I should expect. *zoid sniffs air for telltale scent of brimstone.* Hey, 'Me... You didn't happen to notice any standing pillars of salt on your way to the fox-, er, fighting position, did you?

*zoid is still nervously humming the hymn under his breath while appraising the gathering cumulus mammatus, which has a distinctly reddish cast to it. I mean, 'creme brulee'!, he quickly amends his thought.*

Meekly,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

THEREALME

Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:10 AM

It IS true that I can open a portal to safety on the other side of the planet...

* The Real Me peeks over the edge of the foxhole at "ground zero". *

...but I've always been curious about what the apocalypse would look like.

* The Real Me pulls out some dark, smoked glass and uses it to shield his eyes. *

The Real Me

(The Real Me cannot currently receive messages from this site; he is not ignoring you.)

RAT

Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:11 AM

I'm scared, somebody save me.......PLEASE!!

-Ratboy

EMBERS

Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:21 AM

now let's all calm down,
Mal-licious knows that we love her and we all want what is best for her...

let us stick to "I" statements....

I think it is important to hijack threads whenever possible because they can become dull when not about Mal-licious
err...
maybe that isn't the direction you wanted to go?

rat?
rat?
are you there??

if I may I would like to say that I just got back from Tom Lenk's 'Special Friends' play, and Joss attended w/Alyson & Alexis...and Jane Espensen was there too...and Danny Strong came on and was in the play...and I'm so over-whelmed and excited that I can't punctuate!

THEREALME

Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:41 AM

* Conversationally, to Zoid: *

The fear. She can sense it, right?

The Real Me

(The Real Me cannot currently receive messages from this site; he is not ignoring you.)

ZOID

Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:47 AM

Rat, perhaps coming to the sudden realization that he and his cohorts were planning to subdue a goddess and what the potential consequences of such acts might be, pled beseechingly:

Quote:
I'm scared, somebody save me.......PLEASE!!

-Ratboy

Well, maybe you can plead insanity or something.

Life Lesson For Guys #1: Just because a lady suggests something, doesn't necessarily mean you should actually do it (i.e., this intervention thingy). Some examples:

1. "Why don't we go to a strip club together?"
This may seem like a good idea, especially since she may be genuinely sincere when she makes the suggestion. But that's only because she's never been to a strip club before. Once she gets inside, your life will resemble an episode of "The Twilight Zone" thereafter. She'll either forever see you as a pig (which you are, but with plausible deniability, until she crosses that threshold) or she'll really dig it and later leave you for one of the girls. Best answer: Just say, "No."

2. "How do I look in this bikini/dress/muumuu? Be honest!"
Again, she suggested it; but if you follow her suggestion -- I don't care if we're talking Chandra North here -- you should immediately hire a private investigator to find your brain for you. The answer to this question, regardless what she's wearing, is to smile wolfishly and say, "You're beautiful!" Remember this: Any detail whatsoever will immediately land you in Purgatory (and I ain't talkin' about the ski resort). She has already made up her mind exactly how she looks in the clothing in question. Unless you're The Amazing Kreskin, you've got no chance of reading her mind in such minute detail; whatever you say will not only be wrong (even if it's complimentary), it will hurt her feelings.

So, yeah, 'Lish suggested it; and I can sympathize with you for the hole you've dug for yourself (all the married guys can)... But, uh, this is one of them 'every man for himself' moments. If you're young, maybe you could make yourself properly penitent and She'll only make you lie at Her feet for awhile, peeling grapes...

Sorrowfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me." The Ballad of Serenity

ZOID

Thursday, January 27, 2005 8:01 AM

TheRealMe asked, rhetorically:

Quote:
The fear. She can sense it, right?

*zoid, now wearing camo face paint and a helmet, tilted rakishly to one side, lights a Lucky Strike with his trusty Zippo. Exhaling, he peers over the rim of the foxhole at the deceptively peaceful pastoral scene.*

"Yup."

Stoically,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"Burn the Rat and boil the twg-gy, you can't take the fighting position from me." The Ballad of Mal-mageddon

THEGREYJEDI

Thursday, January 27, 2005 8:27 AM

I would just like to note that the lady this intervention is being held for isn't, y'know, here.

Irony: Having a thread to host and intervention for someone who hijacks threads and then the hijacker doesn't show.

Also Irony: Singing a song in an airplane by a band who was in a plane crash. (Thanks Con*Air.)

Irony vol. 3: Naming an airport after the man who fired all the air traffic controllers. (Referring to Reagan and the air traffic controller strike. Speaking of which, it was said firing that opened a position for my father to get his current job as an air traffic controller at Charlotte/Douglas International Airport. He's held this job for over 20 years. So if you're a pilot and are flying by Charlotte/Douglas and talk to a TK or Tower Kid, that's my dad. He also goes by Sandy.)

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Real Fans Wait - 09/30/05

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