NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
POSTED BY: embers
UPDATED: Sunday, January 16, 2005 21:52
VIEWED: 11624
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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (otherwise known as John Cleese)
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the Suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. W
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficu
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It sounds fine to me. God save the Queen.
Did I mention I live in Utah?
(By the way, check out aluminum, without the extra "i", on any dictionary website you prefer, click the pronunciation and hear an alternative and just as acceptable version.) 
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Inara: Who's winning?
Simon: I can't really tell, they don't seem to be playing by any civilized rules that I know.
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Does this mean we'll all be forced to enroll into the glorious and legendary British Dental Plan?
I'll need to be reminded which we throw away first...the tooth brush or the dental floss.
" They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself. "
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Sounds like Canada. 
If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. -"Angel"
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So, the sorry little nation we saved 50 years ago wants things their way. Looks like I'm moving to Utah.
A few points:
1 - We could pronounce aluminium the way that it's spelled - except that it sounds stupid as all hell.
2 - Sorry to be the one to break the news but when most people in the world refer to English they mean "US English". You're empire has been over for some time now and all you've got is the gloomy little island that you started with.
3 - Easy for me, Australian accents sound kinda cool - English accents sound oppositewise.
4 - Who cares? All British sitcoms are lame - even Red Dwarf.
5 - I'll stick with the Sex Pistol's rendition.
6 - Notice that that "proper football" and rugby are both played by men in shorts. I'll stay clear.
7 - You can't have my guns but I'll be happy to give you all the bullets you can stand. You limeys tried to take 'em once - didn't work out so well did it?
9 - At least we built good cars at one time. By the way, Japanese cars beat the hell out of the German machines.
12 - At least we have sense enough to drink beer cold.
14 - See "7" above.
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Ripping good laugh!
And anyone else interested in reading more commentary by the author should pick up a copy of his video entitled "How to annoy people".
They didnt call it the dark ages because it was dark.
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I'll be willing to consider everything except the stuff about using the letter "u" in all those words. It took us 200 years to purge all those unnecessary silent u's. Now they want us to put 'em back? No way!
If he'll back off on the u's then I think we can compromise. Otherwise, I say we fight.
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Quote:Far be it from me to defend the 'Merkins, but baseball is played outside of the US. Most notably in Japan and here in Canada (who tend to try to be on Britain's side in all this).
Originally posted by embers:
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
And technically, they should be able to vote for their PM.
Also, for the Americans, look up "lieutenant," and note the proper pronounciation. It'll be important momentarily.
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We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.
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I'm sorry EMBERS posted this before I had a chance to but it was just too much typing for me.
As for those of you that take offence to this piece of comic relief,you should remember that by doing so you are gloriously re-inforcing the stereotype that the piece is ridiculing.
You should look up Stereotype.
You should look up Ridiculing.
I should probably look them up too cos I'm not sure if I spelt them right.
If you are still up for a fight then by all means send over all the troops you've got and we will bite them with our bad teeth, run over them with our rubish cars and drown them in our warm beer.
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Quote:
Originally posted by oldenglanddry:
I'm sorry EMBERS posted this before I had a chance to but it was just too much typing for me.
well, not so much typing as some copying & pasting
but oldenglanddry, I'm shocked that evidently so few people here are familiar w/John Cleese,
and his alter-ego Fawlty...who always insults everyone...
but somehow having my fellow Americans not get it
in no way ruins my pleasure
(it just confirms that we really wouldn't notice)
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