Interesting Turn of Events (My Life in a Nutshell)
POSTED BY: tethys
UPDATED: Tuesday, December 14, 2004 13:54
VIEWED: 6416
PAGE 2 of 3
Having read the other posts, I've changed my mind, somewhat. The supportive approach is in general probably better. But, through one of my medical-job incarnations, I can say that horrific things happen right under people's noses. Things happen like infants with rectal VD, kids that disappear from the neighborhood only to be found as skeletons years later (oh I thought he went to live with his cousin), women beaten for years and no one knew. If you are very sure the guy is merely a creep, the low-key approach is better. If there is danger, then move heaven and earth to get your sister safe.
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Quote:*sniff*, that was a beautiful post. I think we can all thank you for that, I hope everyone reads it.
Originally posted by britchick:
My daughter lived with an older man when she was 19, and he was a complete d*ckhead. Please be careful when dealing with this situation. You may do more harm than good.
... SNIP! ...
Hazel
Unicorn mentioned how we men will just go out and "cap" fellows like that. Typical male reaction, true. And Hazel is completely correct that an advesarial attack on the relationaship might just drive th young girl to "dig in", defending even an obviously destructive paring.
However...
I want to point out, to the few women who might not get this, a scary fact about men dating young girls half thier age - there are men out there who purposely prey upon young girls, playing on thier vulnerable youth, desire for a father figure, and inexperience, to sucker them into a relationship that quickly slips into intimidation, emotional blackmail, and fear. These men will never admite to it, they live in a world of thier own creation and will use every childish cruelty known to sucker some poor girl into what amounts to a life of slavery as an uneducated, trapped, house bitch.
After a few years of doing some bastards laundry the girls ability to survive in the outside world has lessened as she grew older without gaining any experience other than feeding some bastard day in and day out who thinks that's what women are for. As the years go by her ability to leave the relationship will get to the point she couldn't possibly leave without serious help from family and friends... assuming the bastard hasn't destroyed the girls connections to friends and family, that's often the thing such bastrds destroy, if they can. Anything to trap the girl and "keep her".
The scary ones will insist they love her. Many lie openly about it.
The most horrific thing about this is how accepted this behaviour is in our society. A gross acceptance of the lower class status of women whos' role in society is defined by the man, though even the most intellegent women may not see this even when it's happening to someone they love.
I guess my point is that if a girl becomes envloped by a powerful male personality, as an older man can often be, only a larger personality can combat that. That's where the beating comes in, because there is no better cure for a giant, cruel, ego than a broken arm, a burst knee-cap, and a lesson about who really loves that girl.
Thanx again Hazel.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Geezer:
Your first reaction to your sister's situation, i.e. go upside the cradle-robber's head, is pretty natural. But...
You didn't say anything about how he treats her, or how she feels about him. By now they're both of legal age, and your concern should be for your sister's current situation, not something that may or may not have happened in the past. If he's being good to her now, and she's happy with him, be happy for her. Just because you may not like the guy doesn't mean she shouldn't.
On the other hand, if he's being abusive at all, you should probably have that "talk" with him. I understand that a bar of soap in a sock enables this type of communication quite effectively.
"Keep the Shiny side up"
she's running into the young-old conflict that hits us all when in that kind of relationship, thinking about younger guys, and living like a teenager. As to how he treats her: think of a piece of jewelry. it's very nice to look at, but useless otherwise. He didn't even understand why she wants to spend a few weeks with me.
"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"
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Quote:
Originally posted by Unicorn:
I read most of the other replies to your post. (Sorry, Hazel, I didn't have time to read the extra long one you posted...)
Most of the replies seem to come from guys with messages like, 'Yeah, go for his kneecaps,' but I think that's a really bad idea.
It seems to me that you don't know this guy your sister is with. It also seems to me that you haven't made a huge effort in the past to be a part of her life (just from what you posted). As a female, if I were your sister, age nineteen, blinded (or not) by love, I'd probably feel like, "How dare you swoop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it and then tell me how I should live it? Screw you!" After all, it is her life, and no matter how much she is your sister, you don't own her.
I think you should try to get to know this guy. Reserve judgment. Yes, he should have kept his paws off at least until a couple of years ago, but she's of age now and there are rare cases where a relationship like this really is based on love, the real kind. My uncle, seven years older than my aunt, started dating her while she was in high school. They've been married forever.
Work under the principle of 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,' not because it's any of your business, but because you care about your sister and you want to make sure he's good to her. You might, grudgingly, like the guy.
There is no such thing as a weed.
In this instanse, my response is simple: BITE ME. I didn't have the means to find my sister, PERIOD. I specified that I didn't . It was only through an extraordinary stroke of luck that it happened.
And for everyone else, ever watch The Gambler? "Know when to hold them" My sister hasn't a clue how I feel about the guy. Nor will she until they split up...if ever. My personal opinions generally remain under guard, so all....feel blessed that I share....LOL.
But in the end, it doesn't matter how I feel about the guy. Only one question applies to him: "What's the statute of limitations on statuatory rape?". With him it's more like, when I got married at the age of 22, he was cruising around picking up freshmen in high school. That's the age differnce and the length of their relationship working.
My whole life has been spent wanting to spend more time with my sister. That's my blood, and since my mother's family have alwys treated more like a burden, except for my grandfather, and more like a bastard son (yes I was born in wedlock).
Certain information like my deep, personal feelings concerning my sister, and not having a relationship with her like everyone else, or hearing people say things like "I hate my sister" or violence toward a sibling instead of hug (an no, not playing around).
Point is: I had absolutely no information on them since they moved around alot due to my pops being military, *read again*. The only relative on that side off the family that I knew where they lived died a long time ago. Part of this is a LOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGG story, which is an even longer post that I will forego, unless common demand wants it......LOL.
But, I love my sister dearly, and due to being nice and all that on the boards, I am not fully expressing my feelings on being seperated form my sister for 7 years, and also the facts of only seeing her a year at a time.
But then again, perhaps you're right, maybe in your world, a 12 year old has all the say in what happens to his life. I didn't have a choice most of my life. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mention the nigt five years ago where I spent SEVEN hours calling directory assistance in FIVE different states trying to find them with no success based on MEMORIES of where my pops said he would live after he retired, which he owned a house in GA, but eventually moved to TX a few months after retirement to work for IBM. He had also tried to contact me several times, but since my grandmother NEVER wanted me to have a relationship with him..............Does the picture come clearer now.
In case you haven't not
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Sorry to strike a nerve.
I meant nothing hurtful with my post.
I gathered from the concern in your first post that you love your sister; I only meant for you to question the idea that you should try to break them up; I went back after my post was up and did read Hazel's post; it gave the best and most sensitive advice posted so far.
I'm sorry if my post came out like a gut-punch. This will sound weird, but when you're dealing with two toddlers and an infant 24-7 as I am, you very quickly find yourself paring down all extraneous material to get to the center of what you want to say in a post. Otherwise, you spend the 30 seconds you have writing a fluid introduction to a statement you never finish making; I'll be cut off in just a second by the infant-- she's 7 months old and wants to type or eat the keyboard-- I'm not sure which.
I'll still bite you if you want me to, but I hope you'll accept my apology for any hurt I may have done you.
It would just be a very sad thing for you to mean well and do something that came between you and your sister. That's all I meant. Sorry to cause you harm.
There is no such thing as a weed.
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No worries...apology accepted.
I really have no intention of breaking them up, I leave choices like that up to the person. Very well aware of the fact that she may come to resent it, so all she knows is that I love her and am here for her. She'll come around to the decisions, which I think she's almost close to, as long as she doesn't think she's stuck with him, which I have provided a little for her by offering her to come stay with me for as long as she wants to.....thoguh work would of course be expected....LOL.
as to biting.......hhhmmmmmmmm
LOL
"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"
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Quote:
Originally posted by tethys:
she's running into the young-old conflict that hits us all when in that kind of relationship, thinking about younger guys, and living like a teenager. As to how he treats her: think of a piece of jewelry. it's very nice to look at, but useless otherwise. He didn't even understand why she wants to spend a few weeks with me.
"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"
Sometimes there's no good solution, just one that's less bad. Your sister's going to do what she wants to do. If you push it too hard, she's not going to dump her boyfriend, she's going to dump you. She's known him longer. If it were me, I'd let her know how I feel, but also let her know that it's her decision, and that I'd always be there for her. And I would be there for her. She's got to make her own mistakes, but having someone to come to when she does will mean a lot.
Never can tell, maybe her frog will turn into a prince. If not, give her somewhere to go where she'll be loved.
Heh. Pretty bold talk about siblings from an only child. Good luck, man.
"Keep the Shiny side up"
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YOU are ready to be a brother. You ARE her brother. She, however, may not be ready to be your sister. You need to build up some credit with her because she has no idea how stable, reasonable, and caring you are. She doesn't know if she can count on you or not. She may not understand or accept your motives. (Perhaps she has never had anyone in her life who was just trying to look out for her.)
If this guy tries to limit your sister's contact with you, I would say that was a big warning flag and I would probably want to talk to a social worker. If you think there is an active case of abuse, call the police. Aside from that, you need to BE THERE for her. You need to live your life the best that you know how - be financially stable, build a positive relationship with someone, set a good example, and stay in touch. (Again, if you're finding resistance and it seems to be coming from the spear side of the relationship, that's a BIG warning flag.)
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Oh...I already have "THE BIG BROTHER" standing with her...I have for years.....just kind of getting to know each other again after the last 7 years...which is really interesting, since she's solidly Generation Y....LOL
"Your mouth is talking. Might wanna see to that"
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Sorry to hear about your situation. I can see the logic of staying calm and supportive, BUT... This guy started dating your sister 6 years ago? so she waswhat? 13? That's just twisted. Any grown man who dates a 13 year old needs to be strung up by the balls.
"Gorramit Mal... I've forgotten my line."
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