Advice from the ladies?

POSTED BY: TheGreyJedi
UPDATED: Thursday, November 25, 2004 22:47
VIEWED: 5248
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FV

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 2:55 PM

I'm not a lady, but I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents on this, since your situation is darn near identical to a relationship I had over twenty years ago, when I was in college and she was in high school.

You've got some incredibly good advice here already, and probably don't need more of the same, but here's my perspective after coming out the other side of it. In my case, I did pretty much what's been advised here. We saw each other as friends a few times after I told her I loved her, but I realized two things during that time: one, that if I really loved her it needed to be about what she wanted, and two, sitting out the slow dances was going to make me say something stupid sooner or later.

So I stopped calling, just to see what would happen. She didn't call me back.

I got on with my life. Graduated college and moved to take a job. I heard later through a mutual friend that her family moved, too, and a few years after that I heard she'd married and moved to the east coast (I was in the upper midwest).

Meantime I was working like a dog, 7 days a week, writing code for what would eventually become a fairly large software company. Half a dozen years after my last call to her, I still missed her. I woke up one morning, convinced myself I was too young to have really been in love, and threw out every letter she'd written me, walked them straight out to the dumpster. I resolved to move on.

And I did. I met several women over the next few years, had some fun, but nothing really clicked. I ran quickly away from any woman who just wanted a friend; that wound was too deep. Then, while out with some friends, I met a funny, lovely woman and hit it off. I fell in love for the second time in my life. Two years later we married, and we've been happily married for more than a dozen years now.

When my first love's thirtieth birthday came up, I sent her a card on a whim (and my wife's support, of course, God bless her). I heard nothing for almost a year. Then, just before her thirty-first birthday, I received a long letter and a picture of her two beautiful children.

Our friendship was re-established. Since that first letter, we've corresponded a little, and my wife and I have even visited her when we were in the area. The universe tilted at a strange angle when I saw my first love hug my wife goodbye. Whoda thunk it?

Now, here's what I did wrong, and where, I hope, you might do better.

First, make no mistake: walking away was absolutely the right thing to do. I wanted the best for my first love, and accepted her choices, even when they hurt more than anything I'd felt before or since.

My biggest goof was in thinking that I had been too young to fall in love. I still love my first love very much. It never faded, and after more than half a lifetime I don't expect it to. There is still pain in thinking "what if." But that's a burden I carry inside, our little secret, shared only because I'm anonymous here. And loving and being loved by my wife makes the burden relatively easy to carry. As for my first love, her friendship is more than enough, and always will be.

My second biggest screw-up was that, over the years, I distanced myself from several very nice women who could have been good friends. Friendship is valuable, and well worth the risk of being hurt.

Maybe your relationship with this girl will go differently; people are complicated and unpredictable. I hope it goes well for you, that it all works out.

If it doesn't, you're in for some hurt. If you truly love her, though, she is worth it.

ODDNESS2HER

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5:08 PM

If things changed as abruptly as you say, it sounds as though she does have a reason, although you may not know about it. And if her life is that stressful, the reason probably has nothing to do with you. So my advice is to take her at her word and drop off her radar for awhile. Give her a chance to miss you. Let her realize that she does want you in her life and let the next move be hers. That way, she can't feel that you are crowding, smothering or in any way adding to her burdens.
Best of luck.

EST120

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5:34 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by fv:
I'm not a lady, but I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents on this, since your situation is darn near identical to a relationship I had over twenty years ago, when I was in college and she was in high school.

your story is quite touching. i understand where you are coming from, though (which is why i felt compelled to post here even though he said no guys). in my case, we were both in love with each other. multiple factors contributed to tearing us apart and i spent years missing her. we were both hurt. she moved on and later got married. i spent those years making bad choices about people that i THOUGHT were right for me, but were really not. then i went to a wedding a realized that it was long overdue for me to put the past behind me and move on with my life. i still love her. of course i do. i will always love her, but i was finally able to move on and say that i will not let this part of my past dictate how i handle my life now. if i had not been able to do that, i would never have found the wonderful woman that i am with now. i NEVER thought it would happen, but it did. it helps me to understand the reason why i had to lose the first one.

my point is that if things do not work out the way you would like them to, you will most certainly feel upset, but you must trust that whatever happens is the right thing.

by the way, fv. i completely agree. walking away was the best choice in my situation too. i did not do it out of spite or anger, i did it because it was simply the right thing to do.

ZELDA

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5:39 PM

My dating experience is a little rusty, but I still have a lot of friends who are very single females, and the only possible bit of advice I would give is that, if you want to give her space, you might consider e-mail rather than the phone when contacting her (if she's an e-maily type of gal). E-mail allows her to answer things at her own pace, and if she's feeling stressed about the l-bomb can give her time & space to keep communicating with you, but be able to frame her responses without the pressure of you looking at, or listening to, her. I've also found that my friends often get and give out more honest responses over e-mail than they will give a guy face to face (crappy, but true).

Also, e-mail can give you an opportunity to stay in touch through 'stupid' e-mails (forwards, articles, etc.) without the pressure of having to 'talk' every time. Which might be a good way to be present in her life w/o pressuring her.

Those are my thoughts, and they're probably worth exactly what you paid for them.

IDEFIX

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5:48 PM

here's anopther lady giving her two euro-cent. although I'm often told I'm really 'one of the boys' ;o)

if someone I've known for only a few weeks would give me flowers, write me _poetry_ and tell me he was in love with me. I'd be running no matter what I felt. ok maybe if I was madly in love with him I'd just say it back and fall into bed or something but that's obviously not the case here. and if she has other things on her mind at the moment it's pretty much out of the question anyway.

what happened is she told you to back off and that's what you gotta do. women on earth fight for this right to be taken seriously for generations now. if she's any kind of selfrespecting girl and you keep on pushing her in any way she's gonna blow on you big time. girls can get angry you know and not been taken seriously is a good couse.

if you tell someone to back off then they should make themselves invisible and wait for a callback and apology as in "I was busy sorting other things. I'm sorry. now I'm ok and we can see each other again if you still want to." if you tell someone to back off and hope he's gonna stick around pestering you at least once a day with flowers and poetry than you're just weird.

she's got your number? then she's gonna call you when she's sorted herself, her feelings towards you, the rest of her life or whatever else was there to sort. if she doesn't she's not interested. simple as that.

and lots of people need to sort their lifes themselves. that's also a part of this being a grown up girl of this century thing. there's nothing wrong with getting help from people you trust but someone you've been dating for a few weeks is hardly someone to ask in times of crisis for support. I tend to go to my best friend whom I've known for years even if I'm actually with a guy at the time. some kinds of support really are better based in friendship than love. maybe her problem is something like that. if she was all alone and in need of support she wouldn't have told you to go.

and don't wait forever. forever can be a very long time. I know couse I've been doing the waiting game almost all of my life. can't seem to follow my own advice.

Idefix

MAUGWAI

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 6:10 PM

It also sounds like she may be bugged out by the "queen" treatment. Some guys think women love to get flowers and be told how beautiful they are all the time, but that's not actually true. If a guy always tells you how much he loves you and how great you are, you start to feel like you can never be yourself because you have to live up to this image on a pedastal a guy has created for you. Make sure she knows you actually like her, not that you're lusting after her or that you're dreaming of weddings and rugrats. Show her that you enjoy her company as friends with no pressure to be some magical princess you've imagined her to be.

Or I could be full of crap.

"Dear diary, today I was pompous and my sister was crazy."

CAITE

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 6:41 PM

Grey~

I have to agree with the other ladies that perhaps you should back off and let her come to you. My friend Sarah has a term "turning your hand upside down." Basically it means you back off, and if the person really wants anything to do with you they'll let you know. This is not to say that you can't try and give her a nice friendly call in, say, a weeks time--just to let HER know that her freaking out some hasn't scared YOU off. But when you do, try to keep it low key.

I myself had a boyfriend who was into the huge romantic gestures, and it freaked me out too. I have grown up with a bunch of guy friends who are wonderful, and *at times* they treat me like the princess I am, but they've gotten me used to fending for myself most of the time, which I like. So when my ex-boyfriend did the exact opposite, it was really weird for me. Your gal could be feeling something like that and just needs time to adjust...I don't know By the way, yes, the guy did become my ex, but rest assure it was not because of the romantic gestures...he was extremely controling and dominering and he routinely threatened to kill himself.

Also, like everyone said, no two girls or women are alike. Some would be tickled pink to be wooed the way you're going about it. Some women are more low-key and don't really go for all that stuff. Some are in the middle somewhere. Try your best to base your actions on HER behaviors and responses and hopefully you'll do all right.

MALICIOUS

Thursday, November 25, 2004 7:29 PM

TGJ,

Don't leave us hangin'! Let us know what happens. Those of us with enquiring minds (who have no lives) want to know!

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

THEGREYJEDI

Thursday, November 25, 2004 10:47 PM

Point 1 - I hate my step-aunt's computer. No spyware blockers. Out of date anti-virus. No firewall. Ack! That and she's very pushy, weepy, and bossy. Double Ack! Howe'er. Wine. As much as I can to drink. So I manage.

Point 2 - Back on subject, there's not much to report on. She's warming back up a bit. She's spending the Tryptophan Overdose Day holiday with her family, so I plan to just let her be, give her a call perhaps sometime this weekend. I think being with family for a few days will do her some much needed good.

Point 3 - Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon is good wine.

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