Advice from the ladies?

POSTED BY: TheGreyJedi
UPDATED: Thursday, November 25, 2004 22:47
VIEWED: 5248
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THEGREYJEDI

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 2:01 AM

Alright. Well. I've come seeking different points of view. Just because I like to hear them. No comments from the peanut gallery (Static). I'm specifically seeking advice from you women folk bcause women folk understand women folk. And to us guys, women folk are strange and confusing creatures.

Right. SO there's a girl, as no doubt you've guessed. I've known her for about a month, and there's been some romancing going on. She clicks, y'know? It all fits. It feels like I've known her for a long time. Being human, we've kinda gotten a little ahead of ourselves, but we've talked about it. I know I love her. But it doesn't take much for me to fall in love when it's right like this. But there's been a lot of stress in her life, and she's apparently never had anyone be romantical and wooing. But this weekend, she shut me out. Rather abruptly and with very little cause. The whole time we've been building up to a relationship, I've told her that if I start to become a little overwhelming, to tell me. Because I tend to feel things very intensely, so I tend to come off strong. I may have made a mistake, but I told her how I really felt. I meant it as a supportive gesture, something to help her, to know that she had that kind of support behind her, but it ended up adding to the stress. So I asked her this weekend if she wanted me to back off, because I'm an idiot and knew the answer she'd give. She said yes.

The question is, how much do I back off? How long? I hate to see her closed off and hurt like she is, and I hate it that I can't do anything about it. I mean it when I say I love this girl. She's a little shy, sweet, kind. A little sarcastic, but not bitterly so. She gets flustered when I give her flowers, write her poetry, which makes me smile. She's into video games and RPG's. Tall, graceful, soft. What do you guys think I should do here?

Just looking for some different points of view.

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http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com

http://www.jed-soft.com Gamer Rigs, Budget Prices

HELL'S KITTEN

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 2:37 AM

Huh. That's a tough one. You ask a room full of different women what color the sky is today and you'll get a room full of different answers. The whole "backing off" thing is so incredibly dependent upon the chick. And the situation. And the guy. And the time of day. And, and, and, ad infinitum. Being the little shy, sarcastic, getting-flowers-gets-me-flustered-too kind of girlie, it seems to me like you oughta be walking real softly in this instance. I mean, she did tell you to back off. Try sending daisies with smiley faces delicately painted on the middle in about a week and a half. You know... small... subtle.... Maybe a couple phone calls a week to let 'er know you're still thinking of her. The trick is to be away without being gone. Knowing the girl should give you an idea as to what extent to be away. Although, I'm not tall, so maybe you should do the complete opposite.

I can probably do the comforting thing better than the advising thing, cuz I've been told I'm not quite "the norm" when it comes to chicks. Broads. Twists. Whatever you wanna call us.

无党派人士

MALICIOUS

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 2:45 AM

Do what she said, back off. That's really all you can do, short of harrassing her. You told her how you feel, the next move is her's. If she never wants to see or talk to you again, you have to accept that. You would then: be on the losing side/get the short end of the stick/be S.O.L., however you want to put it.

Just because you "love" her, doesn't mean she HAS to love you back. I know that sucks, but she is a whole other person with her own wants, dreams and desires you might not fulfill for her. I mean, I care about my husband, but I can't make him care about ME back, you know?

It just has to happen on it's own, dude. I'm sorry. It hurts and it sucks, but it's better to know now than later. Just ask Zoid!

Mal-licious

Co-Holder of the Red Bell from Hell

THEGREYJEDI

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 2:58 AM

I'm aware, at least somewhere in this addled brain of mine, of all the factors involved. I want to give her breathing space. Smothering is a bad thing. I also don't want it to look like I'm abandoning her either. She's going through a rough spot, and I want to be there for her. But I thank you both for your concern and advise/words of wisdom. I'm just trying to get a lot of opinions, I guess. I'm young, impulsive and so wholly inexperienced in the realm of romance. I have a little insight, more than I give myself credit for sometimes, but far less than perfect. I just want to do right by this girl. She's a great girl, and I'm glad she's in my life at all.

But you are right. It does suck.

--------------------------------------------------
http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com

http://www.jed-soft.com Gamer Rigs, Budget Prices

DACUTE1

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 3:55 AM

Okay, so romance is a good thing, but too much gets a little intimidating. As Hell Kitten has said, back off a bit. There's a differece between a phone call and poetry. Give her a call after a couple of days and let her take the next step, perhaps a movie or a casual dinner just to talk to see where she's at.

You've mentioned that you love her, has she said it back? Intimidation may be that you feel more for her than she does you which can be very awkward.

Oh, and by the way, the reason men can't figure women out is because there are no two women alike. I'm sorry, there are no general rules.

Kaylee: Wash, tell me I'm pretty
Wash: Were I unwed I would take you in a manly fashion
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty

THEGREYJEDI

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 4:00 AM

She didn't say it back, and I didn't expect her too. I know she cares about me. One of the reasons things have been as slow as they have been is because she's afraid of hurting me. I just felt wrong about holding it in, which is why I said it. And I try to make sure I'm not coming on too strong too fast, try to make sure she's comfortable with everything. And till this weekend, she's said she was okay, that it wasn't too much.

--------------------------------------------------
http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com

http://www.jed-soft.com Gamer Rigs, Budget Prices

MANIACNUMBERONE

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 4:42 AM

I am not too old, but I've had my share of being on both sides of this situation. If I feel that way for her, seems the hardest and best way to know if she is the one, is to tell her. Sounds like you done it a might soon fer her likins' (a month is perty soon), but you got yer answer. Either she will love you back (even if she doesn't say it), or not.

Time to ask yerself some tough questions. Do you really see this girl choosing to be with you, or is it a pipe dream? Are you waiting for her to change her mind or just waiting for her to be ready? I have to say the "being ready" thing has never worked out. When I've told her that, I wanted her to back off completely. When she has tols me that, "she" has never been ready in the future. It's harsh, but a lot easier than the alternative, which is pining over someone you can't be with for longer than is reasonable. It's painful to pine. If you really feel she may soon change her mind, go for it with whatever means seem appropriate and not creepy, if not, back away forever and as soon as possible.

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Inara: Who's winning?
Simon: I can't really tell, they don't seem to be playing by any civilized rules that I know.
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THEGREYJEDI

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5:08 AM

I did express my affection for her in the "L-bomb" too soon. At least I know that now. But there's a lot going on that's adding stress to her life right now other than that. She had been choosing to be with me, just very nervous about relationships in general. It seemed kinda soon, but it feels like I've known her a lot longer than just a month.

I thank all you guys for your advice. I'm not seeing anything I didn't expect, but that's not what I was going for. Just wanted to see some outside perspectives. I know what I've gotta do, it's just not gonna be easy.

--------------------------------------------------
http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com

http://www.jed-soft.com Gamer Rigs, Budget Prices

EST120

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 12:48 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Malicious:
You told her how you feel, the next move is her's. If she never wants to see or talk to you again, you have to accept that. You would then: be on the losing side/get the short end of the stick/be S.O.L., however you want to put it.

note: i am a guy, not a lady, so you can ignore me if you want

i know you said no comments from guys, but i just wanted to say one thing. sorry.

i whole heartedly agree with this opinion. i feel you need to do what you can and accept the outcome, no matter what it is. if things are not going to work out, the sooner you know, the better off you will be. getting finality from her is the best way to begin moving forward with your life.

ANNIGERRIA

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 1:33 PM

I've been in all kinds of relationships, dating, engaged but didn't marry, married twice. It can be very scary when someone professes to love you when you don't have the same feeling for them. There's a gentleman at work right now who would love to treat me like a queen, but I don't feel the same for him, so I handle him with care. I like him, he's a sweet, gentle man, but there's just nothing there. I wouldn't hurt him for the world, but I can't give him what he wants, either, because it's just not there.

I'm sure she has your phone number. Leave her alone. You just dumped a huge responsibility in her lap that she's probably not ready for. She'll contact you when she's ready. Give her SEVERAL weeks before you call her. There may be other factors involved that she can't reveal after only a month of knowing you. Give her time to work it out. She'll let you know when she's ready.

My best wishes for both of you.

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Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour... The Galaxy Song, Meaning of Life, Monty Python
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