Kingsman T.eww
POSTED BY: Wishimay
UPDATED: Monday, October 9, 2017 04:33
VIEWED: 12165
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WARNING, THERE BE PROFANITIES HERE! (and apparently, vulgarities that might offend those under the age of 15 and over the age of ...51 
)
Ok, after having seen Kingsman 2, I am forced to come up with a new gold standard rating for crap movies.
For badly mediocre (and I HATE this phrase, but it's appropriate here).
3. Fucking my eyes out.
For genuine turd films (and again, suicide is not something I usually make light of).
2. Attempted to slit my wrists with my keys which I spent the better part of the movie fashioning into a shiv.
All that is left is
1. Total and complete memory wipe, it's better to be a complete vegetable than to have to live with the memory of any part of this movie.
This movie ALMOST hit all three chords with me. Kingsman 1 isn't for everyone. Honestly, a lot of it wasn't pleasant, but it had some redeeming and really funny moments.
Kingsman 2 is a carnival comic book on steroids with just a hint of LSD and a stale shot of Whiskey. Drink the whiskey, you'll need it to get through the movie...Really, I can't explain it any other way. Channing Tatum shows up partway through and for what few lines he had, the best ones were where you didn't even see him. They soon put him in a cryo tank and I was so relieved. By this point in the movie, I was gagging. Then came the moral of the story "People who take drugs aren't all bad and don't deserve death".
You know, I DO get it. There isn't a lot of solutions in life, and if you find a pill or chemical that lets you get on with it, so be it, but
despite TRYING to show negative effects of drugs in the movie, it almost seemed to give moral permission for hard drug use since "everyone does it". Drugs are bad...m'kay? STOP OVERDOSING WITH YER KIDS IN THE CAR YOU FREAKING STUPID JUNKIES. There I feel better. 
The last part of the movie featured Elton John, looking like shit and acting like shit and cussing... like shit. Sorry, Elton...I can't help but think he's going to die soon, and is the whole reason he's in this movie. It fact, half of this movie should have been filmed in an old folk's home to save time. I almost feel like they were trying to kill off this franchise, it was so damn dumb.
There was only ONE redeeming scene in the whole movie, and I might even be biased in that because the song that they used has personal significance in my life. IT is the only reason I stop to give it a
"2. Attempting to slit my wrists with my keys which I spent the better part of the movie fashioning into a shiv"
Even my poor hubby, who I was hoping to have a few minutes of levity with, came away from the movie DEPRESSED, so it isn't just a girl problem with this movie... Rotten tomatoes says audience score is 76%...maybe it was a hit with ACTUAL drug users...they finally got a movie they could relate to???
We give it a D-.
And you have to understand, I'd watch Colin Firth read Vogon poetry, but I won't ever watch this movie again. 
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Also, since Kingsman isn't kid or teen friendly, hell...I'm not sure I'm adult enough to see it...the kiddo saw Ninjago Lego Movie. It's a toy, it's a movie, it's... a therapy session? Most of the movie is about a kid and his villain father and his crappy childhood. Somebody is projecting, maybe?
She hasn't seen much of the TV show of the same name, but said the show is better. A lot of the movie is clichéd, but I guess if your kid doesn't know the word cliché, it should be ok. She also said most of it was sub-intelligent plot and dialogue and instead of saying f-word they used the word "butt" about 10 times, butt (see what I did there?) it was still funny at times. She gives it a B- on the kiddy scale, but gives the sound track an A.
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I'm underwhelmed with the franchise. The style and genre of the 1st one, imo, is what drew the most attention, but I just didn't buy into the movie itself.
Thought the ending was aimed at appealing to your average teenage boy. Needlessly juvenile.
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Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
Thought the ending was aimed at appealing to your average teenage boy. Needlessly juvenile.
Sorry, I can't remember much of the first one besides him taking down Westboro Baptist
It's on the list of things we play on bad days, especially when the bad day is because of people being assholes. I saw this one with the hope of another equally redeeming clip. No such luck.
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' Save the world, and I'll let you put IT in my bum ' ... On so many levels, that's just smh pathetic.
Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen
I'm just a red pill guy in a room full of blue pill addicts.
" AU, that was great, LOL!! " - Chrisisall
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Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
' Save the world, and I'll let you put IT in my bum ' ... On so many levels, that's just smh pathetic.
It's ok grandpa, we know your generation doesn't do such things...
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Quote:Too bad you have not been exposed to witty repartee, instead of just smut, and baser topics.
Originally posted by Wishimay:Quote:It's ok grandpa, we know your generation doesn't do such things...
Originally posted by AURaptor:
' Save the world, and I'll let you put IT in my bum ' ... On so many levels, that's just smh pathetic.
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I was waiting for him to say "I'm not a grandpa, I never married." 
And JSF, IT'S A THREAD ABOUT A MOVIE FRANCHISE THAT IS HALF SMUT, what did you expect, Cakes and Tea?
Here you go, precious.
If anyone actually would like to talk about anal sex, I can do that as well. Since, yanno, I'm an adult and I don't blush like a wee babe. If planned and executed properly, it can be lots of fun 
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Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
' Save the world, and I'll let you put IT in my bum ' ... On so many levels, that's just smh pathetic.
Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen
I'm just a red pill guy in a room full of blue pill addicts.
" AU, that was great, LOL!! " - Chrisisall
I agree. I liked the first movie until they got stuck in some hangar, the last twenty minutes then it was crap. I like most Colin Firth movies but I have not seen the second movie and do not plan on returning to the franchise. :(
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Quote:
Originally posted by Wishimay:Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
' Save the world, and I'll let you put IT in my bum ' ... On so many levels, that's just smh pathetic.
It's ok grandpa, we know your generation doesn't do such things...
I'm not a grandpa
I'm far less concerned w/ the promise of said 'act' as I am w/ the absurdity of the it being such a glorious reward for saving the planet. It's overly crude and simplistic in it's offer.
Be better. In your writing and your message.
Cakes and tea ? How about some style and class ?
Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not everyone must prove they are a citizen
I'm just a red pill guy in a room full of blue pill addicts.
" AU, that was great, LOL!! " - Chrisisall
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