Fanfic experiment - Dragonfly "Procrustian Karma"

POSTED BY: CapnRahn
UPDATED: Thursday, October 28, 2004 14:52
VIEWED: 3673
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CAPNRAHN

Saturday, October 23, 2004 7:08 AM

I was wondering if any of ya have taken a peek at my first attempt at FanFic here on FFFn.

Also wanted in depth critiques of the sessions I have already put up {only 2 so far, the Teaser is a bit incomplete}

I may have been hasty, as I put up the first drafts of each. The teaser has only been 'repaired' for tense and mis-spellings. I sorta like the fragment in the last paragraph.

I am most interested in what the writing envokes in you or 'sticks' with you.

Thanks for your input!!!

TEASER
http://www.fireflyfans.net/sunroomitem.asp?i=2150

PROLOGUE
http://www.fireflyfans.net/sunroomitem.asp?i=2470

"Remember, there is only ONE absolute - There ARE NO absolutes!!!"

CAPNRAHN

Saturday, October 23, 2004 3:47 PM

DOH !!!

I fergot to mention this story arc was part of my own universe. I am attempting a 'transplant' of it into the Firefly 'Verse while trying to keep the original arcs flavor.

"Remember, there is only ONE absolute - There ARE NO absolutes!!!"

CAPNRAHN

Saturday, October 23, 2004 9:04 PM

OK, I added this:
ACT 1-Scene One
http://www.fireflyfans.net/sunroomitem.asp?i=2474

As stated, it is prolly mucked up - and muked up but good. So if you see any glaring errors, post 'em here!

EDIT
OK OK OK ... Dargonfly instead-o Dragonfly - and I can't change it!

"Remember, there is only ONE absolute - There ARE NO absolutes!!!"

CAPNRAHN

Sunday, October 24, 2004 6:22 AM

How is this for an abrupt realization:

I was watching my DVDs of "Roughnecks: Starship Trooper Chronicles" and BOOM -

In the most simple of 'foundations' this equation thundered in me brainpan:
Roughnecks + Firefly = Dragonfly

Altered by my imagination/experance? Yes - massively. But the link is still there, I do believe.

"Remember, there is only ONE absolute - There ARE NO absolutes!!!"

CAPNRAHN

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 9:27 PM

Well, I decided to delete the current stuff - mash it together edit and 'fluff it' and re-post it here ... for now here is the comments I had gotten so far ...

TEASER
Guildsister Sunday, September 19, 2004 - 23:41
Well... it's the first paragraph of what promises to be a large story, so it's hard to really get a feel. You did give atmosphere, a definite ominous sense--I particularly liked the *massive* Independent armies lying in wait. This battle is no trifling deal.

Because it's so short, it was easy to dissect every word ;-) so...

You jumped tenses once: "It is ironic " --It *was* ironic

"Crews dug in and lie silent" --sounded a tad odd. *lay* silent

"undersanding" sp: understanding (that was an incomplete sentence, too)

MercedesTroy Sunday, September 19, 2004 - 23:50
hehehehe. I am so used to automatically correcting spelling. missed 'undersanding'.
Good start Capn! Consider me teased!
Debs/Merz

Anonymous Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 16:45
can almost hear the theme music for "Dragonfly" now ....
[IMG]smiley\biggrin.gif[/IMG]
>> Mike

PumamanRedux Thursday, September 23, 2004 - 16:48
that was me with the comment about theme music

PROLOGUE
Guildsister Saturday, October 23, 2004 - 08:23
"He had yet to find a female capable of getting past the ‘κ’ in κατάστρωμα, leaving only the Υποδοχή στο visible. Thus, his legend grew." OMG! What a statement of ego (and other--ahem--attributes). LMAO over that bit. Sounds like his inscription is going to survive Serenity, at least.

Remains to be seen where you're taking this (short intro, wish it had gone longer--that's a good thing). So far, interesting.

ACT ONE Scene 1A & 1B
Guildsister Sunday, October 24, 2004 - 11:11
It's 'mucked up' not 'muked up'--wait... I'm not supposed to be spell-checking your added comment, am I? ;-) Didn't see many problems in the story itself.

That was a lot--a lot,lot,lot--to take in in one not-long chapter. Lots of characters, lots of tech. I felt a touch lost now and then, but do feel I got a good overall sense of the people (as *people*, not just faceless Alliance drones) and their 'verse. The propaganda part was particularly well done.

Of course, I blush to confess, I'm still a tad stuck on the guy's tattoo on his privately not-private part. Must have been quite the interesting project having it put on. *snarf!*

Best bit was " the All-Knowing Psych-geeks had – it just had taken time to get the crotchety old Admirals to see the benefits of this highly unusual morale-boosting method".

--Guildsister

The revised dookicky will be posted here soon!

"Remember, there is only ONE absolute - There ARE NO absolutes!!!"

CAPNRAHN

Thursday, October 28, 2004 2:52 PM

DRAGONFLY
Pilot Episode “Procrustean Karma”

TEASER
Hera spun on. Weaving knots of fear into her very atmosphere, she anticipated the invaders to her soil. Her populace recognized that this would be the linchpin, the point-of-no-return, the last planet to stand free. They knew if the Alliance tumbled the walls of this last major bastion of the Independent forces, all the bloody sacrifice for the past 6 years will be for naught. The massive Independent armies marshaled in hidden strategic areas of the planet. Crews had dug in and now lie in a tense air of purpose. They anxiously were awaiting the tolling of the bells in quiet and somber reflection. It was ironic that nearly one hundred percent of the assembled soldiery never knew of the treasure that was, at this moment, being secreted in the valley known as Serenity. Never truly understanding the immense price of their failure-to-be.

Upon the highest mountain on Hera, a lonely outpost shivers in the thin frigid wind. Inside warm and idyllic, the Spotter was enjoying the Aurora that was sparkling and dancing in the upper atmosphere tonight. Peering through her scope, she sees the beginnings of a strange protrusion in the multi-hued aurora’s veil. Extensive and gigantic static bolts of indigo fire races across the form that is shattering that veil. “St Elmo’s Fire?!” the Spotter wonders, shocked. Her shock intensifies to gut freezing fear as she realizes what demon has come to devour her world.

Planet-wide and with no preamble, - the alarms shrilled. The Alliance had arrived - Time was ended.

ABOARD THE IKC BEAU GESTE

Klaxons erupted within the Alert Dorm of the Alliance Carrier Beau Geste. The sheer force blaring from the wall-speakers fairly blasted the sleeping occupants to their feet.

One hundred and twenty Pilots of the Bloody Taipan, clad in their sleek black enviro-suits dove as one towards the open doors of the drop-trams. 2 by 2 and flowing quickly and efficiently into place, they all grasped the handrails. As the last man placed his hand, the tram unlocked and it accelerated downwards to the Sovereign Alliance Mounted Cavalry launch bay, 42 decks below the Alert Dorm.

The trams fall was unchecked, so all the pilots’ stomachs seemed to remain five decks behind them – rushing to catch up with their owners. To an individual, each Cavalry Pilot’s face was a tight mask of ecstasy. It was time to do what they did best – sowing Death and Destruction on the Enemy from on high. The Admiralty always told them who was the Enemy was and where targeting them would be most efficient. This 'Enemies' face ever changed throughout the years. However, the 'face' of the Enemy never mattered to this elite squadron, only undisputed victory would succor their thirst.

The Bloody Taipan elicited fear even in some of their own support crews, so great was their apparent insanity. Taipan Wing Commander, Major Dysseus Hlastoni oft enjoyed the rumored concept that he was a genetic experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong. Moreover, he enjoyed the attached whisperings that he obtained the worst of the maverick pilots from straight out of flight school, enveloped them in the Taipan and treated in the classic manner of his Cretin and Spartan ancestors.

Oddly enough, his wing-brood never objected to the rumors of buggery. They just ‘punctuated’ any rumor and let ALL the air out of it – including the volume of air residing in the lungs of the resident rumormonger.

However, a true ‘rumor’ was personal one concerning Hlastoni’s single tattoo and the Taipan allowed it to spread, unchecked. It concerned a writing he bore on his most privately un-private part. Υποδοχή στο κατάστρωμα was emblazoned in elaborate Celtic knot-work. A joke, as this was Greek for “Welcome Aboard”. The manner in which he obtained this unusual, both in length and location, markings were hazy and mostly incorrect murmurings. Dysse