FIREFLY - WISHES (co-written by Mai and McQ)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Mal and his crew set a course to Persephone but find themselves far from their destination. They learn of new ploys and also that wishes DO come true.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 2297 RATING: 8.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Prelude – Sweet Dreams
Starksville
"Once upon near’ five centuries hence. There lives a family of thieves on a grand spaceship. The most graceful beauty of a ship ever built, Serenity.”
"A spaceship? But, Momma nobody lives on a spaceship," a small sleepy voice says.
"Hush, sweetheart,” Momma says. “It’s part of the story. In fairy tales, you can live anywhere and do anything your heart and mind desire. Now just sit back and listen to the story. As I was saying, there was..."
"Momma, what’s ‘centereeze’?"
"It means hundreds of years from now. It’s a time when spaceships fly, cities float, and all kinds of wonders that you and I can scarcely imagine. In this time, there lives a family. They’re not a family from birth like you and I, but a family formed by strange but unbreakable ties. This family works hard and plays a bit too. They’re a close-knit group that loves and cares for each other fiercely.”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CHAPTER 1 – SHAKEN UP
500 years in the future
Serenity rumbles like a contented kitten amidst the infinite black. The entire crew having just settled down to relax a bit after a highly unusual, but nonetheless uneventful few days. The crew gathers in the kitchen eating breakfast and just generally enjoying each other’s company.
"So Mal, where you figure we should head to next?" asked Wash, lounging back in his mess chair.
"Well, sad to say, we don’t have nothing solid lined up as of yet. Much as I hate the idea, it looks like we’re gonna have to get on back to Persephone n’ hit up Badger for somethin’ worthwhile. I figure after that little sword fightin’ fiasco, he kind of owes me one.”
"Sir, I hate to remind you that ‘little fiasco’ was a bit more than your recallin’. You know the massive ego trip and even more massive amounts of blood - your blood. Maybe we’d do better to look into somethin’ a little less messy. Surely we got contacts that’ll do better by us than that wang da ban," Zoe said.
"And it’s possible you’re not recallin’ the l
Fanciful, but sweet and interesting. I think you have the characters' voices down fairly well. Several good moments. I particularly liked this whole passage:
"You know the look that says I’m going to take you right here and now whether you’re ready or not. Don’t get me wrong, I love that look. In fact I have to say I’m enamored by your whole face, and the neck, oh and your shoulders, that little nook right below..."
"You talk too much, husband," Zoe interrupts, leaning over and giving him a sensual kiss. “What do you say we kill a few hours..."
"Who we killin’?" Mal asks, walking onto the bridge. "Hey Wash, what’s with the autopilot, you forget how to fly?"
"I’ll be in my bunk," Zoe says.
"I’ll be with her in the bunk," Wash says as Zoe grabs his collar and the two exit the bridge.
“Don’t worry ‘bout me,” Mal says loud enough for Zoe and Wash to hear him. “I’ll just crash this boat my own self.” He takes a seat in Wash’s chair and looks out into the black.
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I think this scene rings true for all three characters.
My only criticism would be the use of the present tense in the narrative. Maybe it's just me, but I find it a little distracting (probably because most stories are written in the past tense). It took me a little longer to get into the story because of it. Could just be a matter of personal preferences though. Just food for thought for your future stories! Looking forward to more stories!
my only advice for CC would be the use of present and past tense mixed in. it does tend to get confusing.
i had a hard time with it in college. that was my biggest problem in english. it took me a while to get it right, but with practice it gets easier.
just keep writin' and i assure you it will flow alot better.
shiny first fic though. i enjoyed it.
"I’ll be with her in the bunk," Wash says as Zoe grabs his collar and the two exit the bridge.
Perfect job on the Wash/Zoe dynamic. I could see this playing out as an episode.
You and mai have got the BDH's voices down very well. The story flows and lives, characterization, plot, great descriptions. I've never done a co-writing job, not sure I could handle that half as well as you two have. Keep writing.
little rushed at the end, but it was so long that by the end i was a little ready for it to be rushed.
Loved that Wash has a battle scar to speak of now, his own little warstory
Only advice... break it up into chapters, I kept wanting to comment on it!
Keep writing
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