It's my first fic. It helps if you've read 'Aftermath' and the excellent' Nine Hells' series but not necessary...Let me know what you think...Nods to AMDOBELL, wantmore, Nkyjay, paperwaster, Channain, Hotpoint and HLGEM for all of your great fics this past year...Thank you for the inspiration

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It was starting again…Zoe saw the signs. After he had to shoot Private Tracey, she had been afraid. She could see the tendrils of despair in his eyes…creeping in, seizing him, haunting him. Last time it nearly killed him.

And now she knew .

Standing outside his bunk at night she could hear him…talking, yelling, screaming at them…Pleading with them...them that followed him, them that didn't come back…them that he'd tried so hard to keep alive. If he could have saved them through sheer force of will alone they would still be alive. It was only that indomitable will that kept him going. She knew he had nightmares, nearly every night...but this was different.

He was like this when they were released from the Alliance 're-education' camp. Zoe had to practically force Mal to stay alive- tell him to eat, when to sleep, if you could call what he did sleeping. Waking up, screaming, disoriented, barely able to breathe from the visions torturing him. Many nights she just held him, talked to him about mama, the ranch, anything to keep him from the torment. She knew he was seeing them all the time, couldn't escape them, even during the day, that they wouldn't relinquish their hold on him. He didn't even speak for three months and then it was the minimum response to any question. She had no notion what it was made him come around...

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Inara sensed something was wrong...Mal wasn't looking anyone in the eye, would stand on the catwalk and stare into the mid distance at something only he could see. Whatever it was, the pain on his face