The Heist
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Zoe falls ill after a heist.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3957 RATING: 4.0 (G) SERIES: FIREFLY
[ I know, Yo se, Yo se, it's filk but cute filk]
"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cock the hammer on his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon.
"Now, I have no hankering to kill no one today so if you just kindly hand of that there box I will be on my way." Just as the guard stepping out of the way, two more purple bellies cam rushing through the door.
"Hold it right there!" Mal lowered his weapon.
"Well I guess you got me." he tilted his head with a knowing smile just as Zoe and Jayne dropped on to the unsuspecting guards from up above.
Jayne looked up from his place on the floor on top of the guard. "They are so comfy, better than and easy chair."
Malcolm turned back to the one conscious man. "Now how about that box."
The guard bent to pick up the wooden crate. "Its to heavy, I can lift it."
"I thought these guys were supposed to be the best and the brightest." Mal motioned the man aside and bent to lift the parcel himself. He made a few grunts. "Um Jayne can you give me hand?"
Jayne motion the guard to move over with his unconscious comrades so Zoe could keep them all at gun point. "Mal, sometimes I wonder why you are the leader." Jayne made a few grunts and grows of his own.
"Come on lets just both try, I'm over here, you take that end." Jayne and Mal clumsily tried to pick up the package. Finally getting it to move.
Zoe kicked the sleeping offices "Up, we are moving!"
They move the box slowly outside where Serenity was waiting. When they finally got the crate up in to the cargo bay Mal turned to say a few words to the beaten offices.
"Now we are gonna leave you all here.....alive but we got to make sure y'all don't sound the alarm until after we are long gone so we are gonna have to incapacitate you, it's not as bad as it sounds.
All of a sudden a Zoe made a bad face. "Captain, I
Quote:
"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cock the hammer on his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon.
Jumping into the action like this is a terrific way to start a fanfic. However, you have a major error and some passive voice creeping into what should be a very active paragraph. For example:
'cock the hammer' should be ' cocked the hammer'
"his pistol which he had pointed at the head of a guard reaching for his own weapon."
- The part starting from 'which he' is a parenthetical section, so it should have a comma in front. It also suffers from passive voice here, since the action described is going. This might improve things:
Quote:
"I wouldn't if I were you." Captain Malcolm Reynolds cocked the hammer on his pistol, taking dead aim at the guard as he drew his own weapon.
Quote:
Jayne looked up from his place on the floor on top of the guard. "They are so comfy, better than and easy chair."
and->an
More importantly, the action shifted from the robbery (I suppose if they do train jobs they can do robbery, though you might want to elaborate on what this job was) to Zoe's pregnancy. If the later is the focus of this story, it seems to me a little jaring to have "The Heist" as the title.
My email is:
cornetts@siscom.net
Go ahead, write another part if you want because it's not up to other people whether or not you write. Those that can't tend to be the overly critical ones.
I would say that if you do write another part, have someone check it out first and get some good feedback before posting it.
"Yeah, we are." He kissed her and they hugged. "And see how I could come to this conclusion with out passing out." They both laughed."
that bit was a little too sweet an fluffy, but good other than that
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