“Wacky Fun!!” part-2
The cage Wash is pacing back and forth. “I’m dead. No. died? Dead, died, dying. Its all the same. I gotta get out of here. After what they did to me I highly doubt there going to let me just walk out of here.” God, I feel like something from “Resident Evil”. He stops at the thought of that. Shakes his head and continues pacing. But checks his pulse…. “ just in case” he thought to him self. Only chance I have to escape is when they take me out of the cage. Whenever that is.If they brought me back, that means every one else must think I’m dead. Better yet KNOW I’m dead. So there’s help from them. He looks around, trying to find some clue to where he was. “If this is an Alliance facility, its gotta be one of the core planets. Since its most likely a secret facility. There’s only one planet I can think of. “Ariel.”
Back in the camp, Simon, Mal, Zoë are being held at gun point.Jayne walks in and points his gun behind what seems to be the shooters leader.Jayne looks at the man. “I wouldn’t get too carried away if I was you.” he put his gun down the rest follows. Simon is surprised at the turn of events “Who would have thought Jayne would EVER save the day.” everyone looks at Simon. The shooter to Mal “I take it YOU are the captain.” “why?” Mal says. “I’m sorry for extreme measures. But I had to make sure it was you.”the shooter replied. Mal looked at the man. "You said you had a job. you best tell us before we take our business elsewhere. Considering your not in any place to argue.”
The shooter smiles “my name is Murray, and shooting me? Well that’s out of the question.”Murray said. “whys that?” Mal asked. “Because I know whereabouts of your little friend Wash. And believe me, it’s not six feet under.” said Murray.
Wash is sitting on the floor. Wash stands up when hears foots steps. “Easy now.” the voice says. “I’m here to help you.” Wash looks at him like he never heard a word he just said. “you know if your planning-----s-say what? Help me? Why?” th
But can I make a tiny suggestion?
Find a beta reader. You have some very basic grammatical and spelling things that could really change the readability of this story.
In your conversations, for instance, you don't seperate their lines into different paragraphs. This makes it hard to know who's saying what.
Also, slow down the action. You have so much happening and don't really take the time to set the scene or describe it. It makes it hard for the reader to keep up.
Yay for getting Wash out! Soon, I hope?
and more "he said, she said" to understand better. And hi SameErtiam, i changed the paragraphs up a bit most of the spelling (i blame my computer =)
and for the action? i'll see if i can make a change of pace. thanx a LOT and PLEASE feel free to add more comments. i will Listen and gladly make changes. =)
Other than that, top fanfic!
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