Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL
Sacrifice
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Post-BDM...Zoe and Jayne are kidnapped. Contains non-com.(That means rape!! Don't read if that is going to bother you!)
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 3672 RATING: 6.0 (NC17) SERIES: FIREFLY
It was supposed to be a milk run. Captain decided that he would only take River with him when he went to meet the contact. Her psychic abilities would give them an edge and free up Jayne to accompany the heavily pregnant Zoë to shop while Kaylee and Simon stayed behind on Serenity to repair the engine.
Jayne had grumbled about having to go with Zoë shopping, but Mal had just given him a look that said, I will shoot you. So Jayne had gone and that’s where the trouble started.
Jayne and Zoë where in the shopping district. Zoë didn’t like having her pregnancy keeping her from doing things, she was stubborn about that, so Simon said as long as she didn’t over due it, she could go into town and walk around. He drew the line at going out on jobs, and Mal backed him up on that.
At the moment, Zoë was looking at baby clothes, and Jayne was keeping an eye on the crowd that jostled them on all sides. He didn’t know how he missed seeing the men who surrounded them, but he noticed the moment he felt a gun barrel in his side. He also noticed a gun pressed against Zoë’s belly endangering the unborn child within. For that reason Jayne gave up without a fight, allowing the men to slowly herd them away from the marketplace and into an alleyway where they were both disarmed.
The men turned out to be eight in number and where hoping to use Zoë and Jayne as leverage to make the captain fork over the cargo. They led Jayne and Zoë away from the alley and into a dank warehouse. Once inside the warehouse the two of them were locked in what appeared to be an old freezer unit that luckily wasn’t working.
Seeing that Zoë looked uncomfortable, Jayne laid his jacket on the ground and helped her to sit on it. She was reluctant at first. “I’m fine,” she insisted.
“Gorramit, Zoë, you’re eight and half months pregnant. I ‘member when my Ma was that far ‘long. So quit yer complain’n have seat.”
Zoë glared at Jayne but eventually took his help in sitting down on the heavy camouflage coat. Once Zoë was settled, Jayne
Comments
Sunday, 15 January 2006 23:09
If there is something like "Fanfic-snuff", I just read it.
It's way over the line and hardly bearable even for hardened readers.
It's way over the line and hardly bearable even for hardened readers.
Sunday, 15 January 2006 23:13
You think this is bad? Are you talking about the content or the writing? Because if its content, this aint' hardly anything to my Reaver attack one. If its the writing, would like to have some constructive criticism.
Sunday, 15 January 2006 23:35
It don't think it's bad. I think it's sick, deranged and disturbing. What do I care about the writing if I am about to vomit?
I put it simple: If you'll get raped someday, the laughing bystander would be me. Because that's the way you write, like you actually enjoy people getting raped. Is that constuctive enough for you?
I put it simple: If you'll get raped someday, the laughing bystander would be me. Because that's the way you write, like you actually enjoy people getting raped. Is that constuctive enough for you?
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 00:04
I don't have a sign in name, sorry.. I really like this. Yes it's disturbing, but so is life..I like that Jayne cared enough for Zoe to take her place...It was very well written!! I've read your reaver story as well, and thought you did a great job...keep up the good work! does anyone know what non con means?! momin8r
Monday, 16 January 2006 00:09
I bet he wrote this comment himself...
"non con" means sadistic crap, apparently. Total waste of talent and time.
So is life? Got raped recently?
"non con" means sadistic crap, apparently. Total waste of talent and time.
So is life? Got raped recently?
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 00:22
nope sorry didn't write it hisself...have a loved one that is a survivor....why so grumpy? it's a story...you know FICTION!!
Monday, 16 January 2006 00:35
"There was no preparation, no lubricant. The man shoved his cock deep into Jayne’s ass and began pumping away. The pain was bad, but Jayne refused to make a sound"
Yeah, funny fiction about raping. Why am I so grumpy? Hey, it's just good old raping. It's the most harmless thing on the world. A man gets raped by several men and it's described in every detail - what do I care? Stupid me.
Yeah, funny fiction about raping. Why am I so grumpy? Hey, it's just good old raping. It's the most harmless thing on the world. A man gets raped by several men and it's described in every detail - what do I care? Stupid me.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 01:06
never said it was funny...it's horrible...the way she writes the characters and what they go through is worthy of reading. if it disturbs you that much, maybe you should avoid these kinds of stories in the future...that's what i do...works wonders
Monday, 16 January 2006 01:07
I am with CBY. This was disturbing and twisted.
That said, you're perfectly entitled to write it. I have no problem with that.
However, it would be nice if you could put SOME sort of warning aside from "non-com" in the summery. So that people who can't handle reading graphic rape aren't ambushed unexpectedly. It is a very sensitive topic, as you can see, and should be treated as such.
On the side of constructive criticism... I think the story would have been better coming from an emotional standpoint, rather than describing the rape and Simon's treatment of Jayne in graphic detail. For example, writing Zoe listening from the other side of the door, trying not to picture what was happening to Jayne. To me, that woudl have been more powerful than reading <i>The man shoved his cock deep into Jayne’s ass and began pumping away. </i>
Additionally, you need to work on some basic grammer as well: do/due, where/were, etcetra
That said, you're perfectly entitled to write it. I have no problem with that.
However, it would be nice if you could put SOME sort of warning aside from "non-com" in the summery. So that people who can't handle reading graphic rape aren't ambushed unexpectedly. It is a very sensitive topic, as you can see, and should be treated as such.
On the side of constructive criticism... I think the story would have been better coming from an emotional standpoint, rather than describing the rape and Simon's treatment of Jayne in graphic detail. For example, writing Zoe listening from the other side of the door, trying not to picture what was happening to Jayne. To me, that woudl have been more powerful than reading <i>The man shoved his cock deep into Jayne’s ass and began pumping away. </i>
Additionally, you need to work on some basic grammer as well: do/due, where/were, etcetra
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 02:54
to CBY ur an asshole
Monday, 16 January 2006 03:03
First, I didn't write the anonymous comment.
Second, I did warn. Non-com means rape. Also I did set the story as NC-17. I have no clue where that says that at, but I did fill in the blank for rating as NC-17.
Third: I am not a man, I am a woman. And yes rape is a very horrible thing that happens too dam much in this society and half the reason is because no one wants to talk about it. They want to ignore it hoping it will go away. But I am not getting into a discussion about that.
Fourth: the story is fiction. And like some writers of TV shows like L&O and NYPD Blue, and even Nip/Tuck I am using the non com as a plot point to bring shock value so that the recovery is more real. maybe it was too much for some, but I did warn. I think saying non-com is enough. You don't like the story fine, but don't frelling tell me that I should be raped so you can laugh about it. That is going a bit too far. You don't like the story, fine. I don't care. I have been writing fanfiction for over ten years. This is only my second fandom. And yes I wrote these kind of stories before, its called hurt/comfort. Its a popular plot.
To RinnyPJ: thank you for the constructive critcism. I will work on the grammer. Spell check doesn't catch those kind of words. I should i have re-read it before posting. As for the suggestion, it occurred to me, but I wasn't sure I could write Zoe. For me she is harder to write than River, lol, and that's saying something.
To anonymous: thanks for the comments. I am glad you liked the story and understood the full impact. I wanted to show that Jayne is a loyal crew member and not the very bad guy that alot of people think he is.
Second, I did warn. Non-com means rape. Also I did set the story as NC-17. I have no clue where that says that at, but I did fill in the blank for rating as NC-17.
Third: I am not a man, I am a woman. And yes rape is a very horrible thing that happens too dam much in this society and half the reason is because no one wants to talk about it. They want to ignore it hoping it will go away. But I am not getting into a discussion about that.
Fourth: the story is fiction. And like some writers of TV shows like L&O and NYPD Blue, and even Nip/Tuck I am using the non com as a plot point to bring shock value so that the recovery is more real. maybe it was too much for some, but I did warn. I think saying non-com is enough. You don't like the story fine, but don't frelling tell me that I should be raped so you can laugh about it. That is going a bit too far. You don't like the story, fine. I don't care. I have been writing fanfiction for over ten years. This is only my second fandom. And yes I wrote these kind of stories before, its called hurt/comfort. Its a popular plot.
To RinnyPJ: thank you for the constructive critcism. I will work on the grammer. Spell check doesn't catch those kind of words. I should i have re-read it before posting. As for the suggestion, it occurred to me, but I wasn't sure I could write Zoe. For me she is harder to write than River, lol, and that's saying something.
To anonymous: thanks for the comments. I am glad you liked the story and understood the full impact. I wanted to show that Jayne is a loyal crew member and not the very bad guy that alot of people think he is.
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 03:10
Non-con means Non-consensual sex, so an attempt was made to indicate that sex was occuring that was not consensual, however, given the graphic nature of the description, a warning of graphic or explicit non-consensual sex / rape would have been a wise idea.
As far as the 'cock' line goes... I agree with RinnyPJ's comment, in that it could have been conveyed more powerfully by *not* showing what was happeing.. I believe that you were attempting to show the brutality, and the lack of conscience of the men who raped Jayne by the use of that language, but it just doesnt' come across as strongly as not seeing it would have, IMO.
As for the subject matter, there's a supposed un-filmed episode of firefly about Inara being raped by Reavers, so it's not like the subject hasn't/wouldn't have come up in the 'verse. Women are not the only gender that gets raped. It's a terrible thing, but it happens. There was nothing funny about this fic, in it's writing or it's intent. The idea was that Jayne was willing to sacrifice himself, even in this most debasing, abusive of ways, to spare Zoe and her child. It was an act of incredible sacrifice and honour. It is a serious, adult topic, and the psychological ramifications on Jaynes psyche could be a very intense exploration. That is what fic is about, exploring what hasn't been shown. To say it is twisted is a little harsh, I think. If an author conceives of killing a character, having one character commit murder (a very common thread in many stories, not just fanfic) is that twisted? Why is conceiving of a man being raped to save a women any different? Just because one can think of the sitation, doesn't mean they want it to happen, or want to do it themselves. It's a plot device, and while the subject matter is sensitive and disturbing, it is not entirely un-plausible.
I'm finding it disturbing to see the number of comments that are being posted on this board recently that are out right attacks and insults. No one is forcing anyone to read anything on this site. That decision is entirely up to you. Long before the end of a story, it should be easy for anyone to realize they don't want to be reading it.
arhg... I dont' know why I am bothering, except to post my support to you Stormwolfdawn. Those this post is directed to won't consider any point of view other than their own anyway, but, hats off to you for your effort. I hope this doesn't keep you from writing fic in the future. Perhaps a sequel that will go into what Jayne will have to deal with after the rape...
Anyway, tha's my 2 cents...
2x2
As far as the 'cock' line goes... I agree with RinnyPJ's comment, in that it could have been conveyed more powerfully by *not* showing what was happeing.. I believe that you were attempting to show the brutality, and the lack of conscience of the men who raped Jayne by the use of that language, but it just doesnt' come across as strongly as not seeing it would have, IMO.
As for the subject matter, there's a supposed un-filmed episode of firefly about Inara being raped by Reavers, so it's not like the subject hasn't/wouldn't have come up in the 'verse. Women are not the only gender that gets raped. It's a terrible thing, but it happens. There was nothing funny about this fic, in it's writing or it's intent. The idea was that Jayne was willing to sacrifice himself, even in this most debasing, abusive of ways, to spare Zoe and her child. It was an act of incredible sacrifice and honour. It is a serious, adult topic, and the psychological ramifications on Jaynes psyche could be a very intense exploration. That is what fic is about, exploring what hasn't been shown. To say it is twisted is a little harsh, I think. If an author conceives of killing a character, having one character commit murder (a very common thread in many stories, not just fanfic) is that twisted? Why is conceiving of a man being raped to save a women any different? Just because one can think of the sitation, doesn't mean they want it to happen, or want to do it themselves. It's a plot device, and while the subject matter is sensitive and disturbing, it is not entirely un-plausible.
I'm finding it disturbing to see the number of comments that are being posted on this board recently that are out right attacks and insults. No one is forcing anyone to read anything on this site. That decision is entirely up to you. Long before the end of a story, it should be easy for anyone to realize they don't want to be reading it.
arhg... I dont' know why I am bothering, except to post my support to you Stormwolfdawn. Those this post is directed to won't consider any point of view other than their own anyway, but, hats off to you for your effort. I hope this doesn't keep you from writing fic in the future. Perhaps a sequel that will go into what Jayne will have to deal with after the rape...
Anyway, tha's my 2 cents...
2x2
Monday, 16 January 2006 03:18
To Anonymous 2x2: Thank you for your support. I am not discouraged about writing. You should see the stuff I got from my Sentinel fanfic! LOL.
I am planning a sequel to the story. And hope to deal with the aftermath and the recovery.
Glad you understood what I was trying to do. Yes, probably the statement I used was a bit much, but like I said trying to go for brutality and shock value. May not work.
Trying to figure out though why the comments make this fic seem so unpopular but has already been read over a hundred times. Curious.
Thanks again.
I am planning a sequel to the story. And hope to deal with the aftermath and the recovery.
Glad you understood what I was trying to do. Yes, probably the statement I used was a bit much, but like I said trying to go for brutality and shock value. May not work.
Trying to figure out though why the comments make this fic seem so unpopular but has already been read over a hundred times. Curious.
Thanks again.
Monday, 16 January 2006 03:54
I think the story's alright. A bit abrubt for my taste, but if you jump over to the Harry Potter Slash fandom, you'll find plenty worse, believe me! I don't understand the problem here...
Sure, it was twisted, cruel, unexpected. But didn't Joss Wheedon pull that shit when he killed Wash?
By the way, CBY? Your first comment? What's your definition of hardened readers? Does the fact that I was totally unpeturbed by this mean that I'm 'hardened'?
Again, not getting the crap that all you guys say is so very evident!
Stormwolfdawn, not bad writing, I agree that small technical grammatical things need to be seen to, but other than that, it's a good, although abrupt, yarn.
Sure, it was twisted, cruel, unexpected. But didn't Joss Wheedon pull that shit when he killed Wash?
By the way, CBY? Your first comment? What's your definition of hardened readers? Does the fact that I was totally unpeturbed by this mean that I'm 'hardened'?
Again, not getting the crap that all you guys say is so very evident!
Stormwolfdawn, not bad writing, I agree that small technical grammatical things need to be seen to, but other than that, it's a good, although abrupt, yarn.
Monday, 16 January 2006 04:22
Stormwolfdawn,
First off.....powerful stuff. Really powerful. Have to agree about the "show, don't tell" idea of having Zoe obsess over Jayne's sacrifice, but this was good quality fanfic.
That said, barely managed to get through it cuz I was getting a might squeamish. Read it to the end though because I thought it was an interesting plot idea.
Wanna see what you come up with next
BEB
First off.....powerful stuff. Really powerful. Have to agree about the "show, don't tell" idea of having Zoe obsess over Jayne's sacrifice, but this was good quality fanfic.
That said, barely managed to get through it cuz I was getting a might squeamish. Read it to the end though because I thought it was an interesting plot idea.
Wanna see what you come up with next
BEB
Monday, 16 January 2006 05:37
Oh, Storm! This has SO MUCH good in it! You have great talent for story telling. The rape was horrifying, but well-told. Not rattled on for lacivious effect at all, just told starkly, and since it was our Jayne being so good and self-sacrificing, it played well.
I understand folks being het up about rape in our 'verse, but heck, anybody ever hear of Reavers? And anybody think that on backwater worlds there would'nt be people like these?
I adored Jayne putting his own bruised, bleeding and battered self between Zoe in the freezer afterwards. I loved Mal at the end talking to Jayne's passed out body, and how you compared Jayne to Mr. Universe dead in the arms of the love bot. Nice work, that. Any chance that Zoe might....hook up with Jayne? Ok, ok, I know it sounds weird, but...maybe? Also glad the babe looks like Wash. That's as it should be. Keep writing and be brave, Storm.
Fave line: "Jayne had grumbled about having to go with Zoë shopping, but Mal had just given him a look that said, I will shoot you. "
I understand folks being het up about rape in our 'verse, but heck, anybody ever hear of Reavers? And anybody think that on backwater worlds there would'nt be people like these?
I adored Jayne putting his own bruised, bleeding and battered self between Zoe in the freezer afterwards. I loved Mal at the end talking to Jayne's passed out body, and how you compared Jayne to Mr. Universe dead in the arms of the love bot. Nice work, that. Any chance that Zoe might....hook up with Jayne? Ok, ok, I know it sounds weird, but...maybe? Also glad the babe looks like Wash. That's as it should be. Keep writing and be brave, Storm.
Fave line: "Jayne had grumbled about having to go with Zoë shopping, but Mal had just given him a look that said, I will shoot you. "
Monday, 16 January 2006 06:05
come on if you dont like what its about why did you read it, it does have a warning you know storms a goo writer wash has a point it is well written and this is life it happens get over it. Storm has amazing potental it hits the grim reality of life.
Monday, 16 January 2006 15:35
It's the sort of thing Jayne might do to protect someone else; but I'd have thought he might try to fight his way out of there (unless that was impossible).
Zoe had a darn fast labour!
Vera
Zoe had a darn fast labour!
Vera
ANONYMOUS
Monday, 16 January 2006 16:39
non-con = rape
nc-17 = graphic
This means not for the squemish.
Pretty good fic - like the idea of a pregnant Zoe being something Jayne is willing to make such a sacrifice for.
nc-17 = graphic
This means not for the squemish.
Pretty good fic - like the idea of a pregnant Zoe being something Jayne is willing to make such a sacrifice for.
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 17 January 2006 00:58
it's not so much the subject as the horrible writing/pacing/characterization...
Tuesday, 17 January 2006 01:06
Hi Storm,
I read your story last night, but was trying to get through some of my own writing and didn't have time to leave a comment--sorry. Anyway, I thought you pulled this off rather well, esp given the graphic nature. I don't think what Jayne did was out of character--he can be very self-sacrificing, and I can see him doing this for Zoe/Wash. I would agree with the comments about maybe showing more from Zoe's perspective and revealing more with feelings/thoughts than graphic detail, but that's your call of course. I also agree with 2X2's comments. 1. this is a work of fiction. 2. there are hundreds of writers on this site--no one is forcing people to read stories/authors they don't like. Writing is such a personal thing--I respect anyone who's brave enough to post here.
~Kaynara
I read your story last night, but was trying to get through some of my own writing and didn't have time to leave a comment--sorry. Anyway, I thought you pulled this off rather well, esp given the graphic nature. I don't think what Jayne did was out of character--he can be very self-sacrificing, and I can see him doing this for Zoe/Wash. I would agree with the comments about maybe showing more from Zoe's perspective and revealing more with feelings/thoughts than graphic detail, but that's your call of course. I also agree with 2X2's comments. 1. this is a work of fiction. 2. there are hundreds of writers on this site--no one is forcing people to read stories/authors they don't like. Writing is such a personal thing--I respect anyone who's brave enough to post here.
~Kaynara
Tuesday, 17 January 2006 04:27
Okay.
Been thinking before I posted.
This is a particularly brutal story. I enjoyed it but I also felt that EVERYBODY was a little out of character.
Jayne would have kept their attackers busy as long as possible, by fighting back, keeping them guessing, playing them against each other.
Zoe was written all right, but I felt we could have seen a bit more of her emotions as she's going through this.Giving birth is traumatic. Giving birth locked in a freezer with a man who's just been raped and while captive to rapist-murderers is WAY traumatic!
Mal - Mal just doesn't DEAL. I don't see him speaking to Jayne or kissing his temple. Just maybe laying a hand on his shoulder. "Rest easy" or something like that. But nothing really heartfelt. That's not Mal.
Simon was very well written, but no doctor is going to stitch a woman up in an unsterile environment when they have the option of packing the wound and cleaning and treating it when they reach sterile invirons.
You might post this over at http://www.adultfanfiction.com. People over there are a bit more accepting of such ugly sorts of stories.
My suggestion would be to SLOW DOWN. Everything happens so fast, there's no grace, no emotion, no feel .
Instead of:
"At the moment, Zoë was looking at baby clothes, and Jayne was keeping an eye on the crowd that jostled them on all sides."
Why not, "Jayne was gettin' tired of shopping with Zoe. He was trying to watch their backs, and if she showed him one more little pink baby bonnet or ruffly sleeper set he was gonna drag her ass right back to Serenity, shopping or not!"
Been thinking before I posted.
This is a particularly brutal story. I enjoyed it but I also felt that EVERYBODY was a little out of character.
Jayne would have kept their attackers busy as long as possible, by fighting back, keeping them guessing, playing them against each other.
Zoe was written all right, but I felt we could have seen a bit more of her emotions as she's going through this.Giving birth is traumatic. Giving birth locked in a freezer with a man who's just been raped and while captive to rapist-murderers is WAY traumatic!
Mal - Mal just doesn't DEAL. I don't see him speaking to Jayne or kissing his temple. Just maybe laying a hand on his shoulder. "Rest easy" or something like that. But nothing really heartfelt. That's not Mal.
Simon was very well written, but no doctor is going to stitch a woman up in an unsterile environment when they have the option of packing the wound and cleaning and treating it when they reach sterile invirons.
You might post this over at http://www.adultfanfiction.com. People over there are a bit more accepting of such ugly sorts of stories.
My suggestion would be to SLOW DOWN. Everything happens so fast, there's no grace, no emotion, no feel .
Instead of:
"At the moment, Zoë was looking at baby clothes, and Jayne was keeping an eye on the crowd that jostled them on all sides."
Why not, "Jayne was gettin' tired of shopping with Zoe. He was trying to watch their backs, and if she showed him one more little pink baby bonnet or ruffly sleeper set he was gonna drag her ass right back to Serenity, shopping or not!"
Tuesday, 17 January 2006 12:01
i can't really comment on this because the things i usually say are encouraging. not that i mean to discourage you, just that this is a very dark fic and i feel odd saying that i ENJOYED reading about rape, i will say that you have a talent for writing and you are NOT sadistic. CBY's comments were crass and inappropriate. how would s/he feel if s/he were reading something and then were asked if s/he had been raped recently? for all s/he knows, someone on this site (god forbid) has been affected by this kind of trauma or knows someone who has. s/he may think s/he was being witty, but in truth it disgusted me. i look forward to reading more of your work, and even if it is dark, i won't be afraid to read and comment.
b
p.s. sincere apologies for any offence caused to anyone reading this comment and i don't mean to attack CBY, i just couldn't not react to those comments.
b
p.s. sincere apologies for any offence caused to anyone reading this comment and i don't mean to attack CBY, i just couldn't not react to those comments.
ANONYMOUS
Thursday, 19 January 2006 07:20
Yes, rape is disturbing, of course, but I really liked the story and understand what you were trying to do with it. I hope you do write a sequel! You DID put a warning at the top. If people choose to ignore that and then complain later, it's not your problem.
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 21 January 2006 03:44
Powerful, twisted, and dark. You have talent, if not a little unrefined. The pregnant Zoe is a nice touch. It was nice to see her vulnerable side, with out having to deal with Wash. I would read any sequels you have just to to see what the kid is like.
pyrofalkon
pyrofalkon
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 21 January 2006 07:19
Ignoring the disterbing nature of this story, the pace of the story was very very fast. Don't be afraid to make a multi-part story... While I personally don't like the main point of the fic you have talent and should keep writing. Don't let negative comments stop you!
ANONYMOUS
Saturday, 11 February 2006 16:36
Did any of u read the warning?
if this offends u dont read it (i dont have a sign in name srry) Yes disturbing but sos life
if this offends u dont read it (i dont have a sign in name srry) Yes disturbing but sos life
ANONYMOUS
Sunday, 19 February 2006 05:13
I liked this story, I didn't find that the rape was the main point but rather the sacrifice that Jayne made for Zoe because she had already lost so much he didn't want to see her hurt and lose more.
That being said, I think we could have gotten the point of what Jayne went through without the following:
"There was no preparation, no lubricant. The man shoved his cock deep into Jayne’s ass and began pumping away." It's not because it offends me, but because the full on BAM of that statement distracts me from the hero element of what Jayne is doing and it sort of "sticks out" so to speak, no pun intended. I think this line could have been omitted. The emotional pain of rape must be traumatic enough, physical pain of rape is a reader-understood in my opinion. Ok, that was the first line that snapped me out of the story. The second was the following:
"Simon cut the umbilical cord and delivered the afterbirth. He cleaned her up and stiched the torn vaginal area" Again, these lines, while I understand their purpose, snap the reader out of the moment and into images of Simon doing all manner of business in between Zoe's nether regions. Not offensive, but not really necessary I don't think because again, anyone who is probably reading this knows that giving birth requires certain clinical procedures to take place. Other than those two areas, I loved this story. I thought it was an original direction for character building and actually quite believable of a story line had the show continued. I mean, obvious it wouldn't be that graphic in television but does anyone recall Joss Whendon sheltering his viewers from mayhem? I think it is perfectly conceivable that Jayne (who was always to be a good guy under a rough and tumble selfish exterior) would do something so humbling to protect someone he had grown to care about.
The author did forewarn that the topic contained rape. I read the warning before I read the fic. The warning was one thing that made me curious about the story. I must say I have read stories before where an author did not give proper warning as to the content of a story. One minute I'm enjoying a creative bit of fanfiction and the next think I know Simon and Mal are licking each other or Inara is having her nipple flicked as Mal and Zoe look on. Anyway, all I'm saying is I don't think personal attacks on the author of this story, or any story are warranted. I actually signed up for an account here but I can't remember my log-in name so here I am anonymous. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in with my two cents. To stormwolfdawn, I'd really like to read more of your stories, especially subsequent followings of this story. There is much character development for Jayne and Zoe especially in regards to a growing friendship. My suggestion would be to alter the story to take out the clinical description of the rape and the delivery. Just my two cents. :-)
That being said, I think we could have gotten the point of what Jayne went through without the following:
"There was no preparation, no lubricant. The man shoved his cock deep into Jayne’s ass and began pumping away." It's not because it offends me, but because the full on BAM of that statement distracts me from the hero element of what Jayne is doing and it sort of "sticks out" so to speak, no pun intended. I think this line could have been omitted. The emotional pain of rape must be traumatic enough, physical pain of rape is a reader-understood in my opinion. Ok, that was the first line that snapped me out of the story. The second was the following:
"Simon cut the umbilical cord and delivered the afterbirth. He cleaned her up and stiched the torn vaginal area" Again, these lines, while I understand their purpose, snap the reader out of the moment and into images of Simon doing all manner of business in between Zoe's nether regions. Not offensive, but not really necessary I don't think because again, anyone who is probably reading this knows that giving birth requires certain clinical procedures to take place. Other than those two areas, I loved this story. I thought it was an original direction for character building and actually quite believable of a story line had the show continued. I mean, obvious it wouldn't be that graphic in television but does anyone recall Joss Whendon sheltering his viewers from mayhem? I think it is perfectly conceivable that Jayne (who was always to be a good guy under a rough and tumble selfish exterior) would do something so humbling to protect someone he had grown to care about.
The author did forewarn that the topic contained rape. I read the warning before I read the fic. The warning was one thing that made me curious about the story. I must say I have read stories before where an author did not give proper warning as to the content of a story. One minute I'm enjoying a creative bit of fanfiction and the next think I know Simon and Mal are licking each other or Inara is having her nipple flicked as Mal and Zoe look on. Anyway, all I'm saying is I don't think personal attacks on the author of this story, or any story are warranted. I actually signed up for an account here but I can't remember my log-in name so here I am anonymous. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in with my two cents. To stormwolfdawn, I'd really like to read more of your stories, especially subsequent followings of this story. There is much character development for Jayne and Zoe especially in regards to a growing friendship. My suggestion would be to alter the story to take out the clinical description of the rape and the delivery. Just my two cents. :-)
ANONYMOUS
Thursday, 16 March 2006 19:06
Boy, did you stir up a kettle of fish. I didn't know what non-con meant either, however, the moment I saw it was going to be rape I could have stopped. No one made you continue reading.
You did get the special bond of Jayne with Zoe across. Graphic is grapic and it's everywhere. I enjoyed your writing and the thoughts behind it. Patti
You did get the special bond of Jayne with Zoe across. Graphic is grapic and it's everywhere. I enjoyed your writing and the thoughts behind it. Patti
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