Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

The Unspoken Shadows-2::A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall.

Monday, January 2, 2006

Yo... First of all thanks to everyone who replied to my first FanFic. Wether you liked it or not, I apreciate the feed-back... In this next instalement of the "Unspoken Shadows" we find the boat and her crew stranded in the cold northern regions of the planet, Jianyin. One of Mal's new clients wasn't quite pleased with the job he did so he had a bomb placed against the starboard engine. It was supposed to go off almost immediatly after they left atmo, but a failed detonation trigger saw that the bomb didn't explode until five hours afterwards. :P The boat is slightly damaged, just enough to force them to land. Then end up having to stay on the planet for a while. During one of the nights there Inara is harshly awakened by a nightmare. Memories of violent incident have sprung up in her dreams; so much so that she can't sleep and finds herself wrapped in thick afghan with a cup of coffee to keep her awake... Well, I hope you all enjoy this one, thanks....

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2061    RATING: 8.0 (PG13)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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"Cold." The soft ad elegant voice of the boats companion quietly whispered out. She sat in the dining room of Serenity, wrapped tightly in a thick burgendy afghan blanket. Her raven black hair fell against her face as her curls smoothly nudged her cheeks. She took another sip of her coffee, that she was drinking in a deep soup cup that had paintings of flowers on it with the name -Kaylee- written in three different colors. Inara could hear the sound of a rain shower beating against the top of the boat. She looked up for a second; the sky, she could see, was a solid grey. Even in the night the sky was visible here on Jiangyin. "Rain rain....go..away........pleeaassee...." Inara's whispered words trailed off as she placed down the mug and put her head into her hands and began to sob.

***Earlier that same Day***

-!!BOOM!!- An explosion against the starboard engine knocks Serenity, and her crew, for a complete loop.. "What the living HELL was that?!? RIVER!!" Mal shouted as he scrambeled from the dinning room towards the bridge.. "Everything isn't shiny Mal." River claimed as he attempted to re-adjust and gain control of the boat.. "Ok.........then tell me river..." Mal's voiced became calm for a second. "What's GOIN' ON!? My boat is on FIRE! And I'd kinda like to know what that is.." "An explosion on the staboard engine." River turned her head to the left to face Mal. "Did you give Taber all the money you owed him for messin' up the job?" River asked. She couldn't help a slight sarcastic know-it-all grin adorning her face. "Ye...yeah... sure....I reckon I did...... Oh for the love mai buien xiajongu!" Mal hurringly darted out of the bridge.. He was making his way to the engine room when he saw Jayne. "Jayne! Get everyone and start lookin' fer any other bombs, explosives, or fire friggin' knick-knacks that may be on this boat." Jayne looked at Mal for a second. "Does that mean the new Pillar Grenades I just got. 'Cause I ain't leavin'

Comments
Monday, 02 January 2006 10:10
Okay, you have a pretty good story going here but need to check your spelling and posting huge blocks of text simply turns people off reading it. Might want to break them up into paragraphs, it will be a kindness to the readers and be better for the story. Also, you do not need to say everything that will happen in your story in the teaser at the top. A few lines but not so much detail is ideal. Hope that helps. I really like what you have done so far and want to see where you are going with this next. Though Mal would not say *friggin* he would say gorramit or good gorram or somesuch. Look forward to the next, hopefully easier to read, part. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

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