I've written this so many times I'm giving up & just posting it. My first attempt at NC-17 please give me feedback?

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Kaylee’s heart plummeted to her stomach and she thought she might throw up when Jayne told her he was leavin’.

Leavin’? She stood there saying nothing stunned, not believin’ it and before she could stop him he turned on his heel and left.

She’d hurt him again. Was Jayne leavin’ Serenity ‘cause of her? ‘Cause she’d been so mean to him? He wouldn’t leave, not really. The Captain wouldn’t let him leave, would he? They needed him, she needed him. If he did leave what would she do?

How come things had changed so much? So quick?

After the battle even though everyone was so sad, losing their friends, she had felt the beginnings of happiness.

Finally she and Simon were together. His words before the battle, his actions durin’ made her glad she’d waited for him. Their first few weeks together were magic for her. But she started to notice things.

Her nightmares, he didn’t like her nightmares, it made him uncomfortable her screaming every night. She had to listen to him obsess ‘bout Rivers’ health, her behaviour on Miranda and at the battle. He was specially concerned ‘bout Jayne and River. Kaylee had tried to tell him that Jayne would treat River right, wouldn’t hurt her. But Simon weren’t interested in her opinion, didn’t respect her.

‘Nother thing Simon didn’t really like was cuddlin’, touchin’ in public. Most times he had to be forced just to hold her hand. As if everyone didn’t already know what they was doin’!

Simon didn’t like her makin’ noise when they had sex, she always thought that added to the pleasure. He got embarrassed when she asked for positions and acts she liked. Weren’t dirty or nothin’ just things she enjoyed, that were stimulatin’. His reaction made her feel sort of shamed so she stopped askin’ after a while. Just did what he wanted. That sure wasn’t like her.

Everythin’ was confusin’ her; she needed som