The Invited
Friday, November 4, 2005
Pre-Serenity. The crew lands on Persephone to pick up cargo but they're in for a surprize!
Let me know what you think- if you like it, I'll post more! :-) Go easy on me though, first fanfic and first third person. Two or three people are hard to keep track of, let alone more!
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1640 RATING: 6.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Part One
“Where we headin’ Cap’m?” Kaylee Frye looked up to her Captain, her big eyes shining with curiosity and respect. Captain Mal Reynolds looked down to her and grinned, pulling up a chair to the table.
“To Persephone. Got some business to do there.”
“Is it illegal?” Kaylee asked, stirring her soup with her fingertip.
“You can bet your monkeywrench it is!” Mal nodded, and took a large gulp of cider. “Got a man named Blackwell, wants us to smuggle some goods of his to a border planet.”
“These wouldn’t be goods that, I don’t know, go “moo” would they?” Wash asked the captain, remembering the last set of unknown cargo they had transported.
“Or anythin’ live? Seems to me last time we picked up live cargo we got more crazies than we bargained for.” Jayne sent a glare to Simon and River. “A few uninvited ones as I ‘member it.” Simon didn’t hear the slur against him and his sister, his attention completely focused on River, who was babbling nonsense again. Simon mentally ran through the list of medications that he had already tried to help her with. She was probably due for another sometime soon, but how to get her to the infirmary?
“Your input isn’t always invited.” Inara said simply to Jayne, who narrowed his eyes to her.
“Your output ain’t neither.” He shot back.
“The uninvited were invited, and the invited won’t be…” River said.
“See? Fong luh.” Jayne insisted, appealing to Mal. Mal sighed and ignored him, addressing Wash.
“Blackwell’s assured me it ain’t livestock, I made sure to check. So, no blackmarket beagles or nuthin’ this time, just good ol’ fashioned cargo.”
“Who’s invited?” Simon asked River again, trying to study her face. She only smiled at him innocently.
“We’re having a party?” Frustrated he sighed and tried to get her to eat. The baked potato lay in front of her, open and steaming. She had never encountered an entire baked potato before, and she analyzed this one as the others talked.
“How long are we to be there?” Inara asked from the end of the table.
One tiny suggestion - your original character seems to tread very close to the Mary-Sue line. She's too perfect. I don't buy that Wash would just believe that she's the cargo when Mal & the others were off talking to Blackwell about it.
My suggestion would be give her some flaws, (although her instant *check for a ring* instinct is good. God help our Jayne!*) and try to keep POV with the crew, not her.
Just my two cents. Which, really, aren't worth the credits their printed on. :)
“One of the central planets. I studied for many years, a little of this, a little of that…nothing really stuck, you know? Then I met this man, and he trained me to fight like I’d never seen before…I learned quickly, and then he set me out on my own. There’s a few stories in between, but, here I am.”
Seems a bit much information to volunteer for someone on the run.
When Wash calls about intruders, where are Kaylee and Tala? There is a line break between when they're in the cargo bay and the alarm, but it's still unclear.
Still need more detail on the fight scene. How are the intruders armed? Are they wearing the same thing?
What tactics are they using? How is the crew able to defeat such odds? What does Tala do to incapacitate
5 attackers in almost as many words?
“I’ll try, Sir.” "
Keep flying and keep posting more, 'kay?
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