Blue Sun Room FICTION - GENERAL

An Altered Perception - Chapter 1

Monday, August 15, 2005

An untraditional entrance makes a big impression.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3140    RATING: 8.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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{this is my first ever fanfic, so please be nice. it is a work in progress so any feedback is very shiny...}

Chapter 1

Aluminium boxes shine in the high sun, the lancing beams dazzling her eyes. Footsteps ring out on the grating beside her. A jingle of platinum sounds as the man swings the small cloth moneybag. River watches, listens, feels, waits. Drawing nearer, closer. White dove amongst the crows.

Mal is smiling, surveying the scene before him. No complications, no misunderstanding. Shiny. It had gone well. Their first job since the Early fiasco, it had seemed a little worrying.

“I like it when nothing gets screwed up,” he announces to no one in particular as Zoë punches the button to close the ramp.

“Quite an achievement for us, cap’n,” she says, smiling broadly as Mal turns to walk back inside. The ship is powering up, the whine of the engines getting louder, when raised voices and screams cause Mal to whip back round, drawing his gun. Shots ring out, striking a tattoo off the ship’s hull and interior. Mal and Zoë dive for cover, Mal pulling River down with him.

“It never goes smooth! Gorramit, Zoë, what the hell’s gone wrong this time?”

His question is answered abruptly as with a less than dignified flying leap and crumpled landing a red haired girl thumps into the cargo bay of his ship. The doors slam shut after her. Mal’s mouth drops open.

“Does that answer your question, sir?” Zoë’s voice rings out, breaking the silence. Footsteps on the gangway announce the arrival of at least some of the crew.

“We heard shootin’…” Kaylee says, looking over at the scene before her.

Mal gets up and slowly walks over to the intruder, who is lying splayed out on the floor, blood seeping slowly from a bullet wound in her upper arm. Long, curly, flame red hair sticks to cuts and grazes that mar a fine-featured face. She’s young, barely older than Kaylee or Simon and small, slim. Zoë and River join him. Looking up, he locates Simon among the curious faces looking down.

“Think you’re needed here, doc,” he says.

Comments
Monday, 15 August 2005 19:49
kizzie, my dear! absolutely wonderful !!! now, i simply have to ask you to STOP WRITING!!! you are making me look bad, darling!
Monday, 15 August 2005 19:52
oh, i always do that honey... he he.
ANONYMOUS
Tuesday, 16 August 2005 12:40
That was great! I'm new to the website (about 2 weeks) but I've been reading a lot of fanfics and I loved this one. I'll look for more from you.
Wednesday, 17 August 2005 11:15
Excellent! For a moment back there I thought the girl was going to be Saffron - phew, that was a close one. A little bit scary how like River you have made her. Can she kill with her brain too? Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Wednesday, 17 August 2005 21:30
great!
so many places for you to go, for us to enjoy.
Tuesday, 23 August 2005 04:40
Very good start! Action, betrayal, a job to do, an old enemy...can't wait to see what happens next! And yes, eerily similar to River's poetic, stream-of-consciousness way of speaking...hmmm...wonder where you're going with this? Very good first fan fict. I just finished MY first fan fic on here too... called "Along Came A Zhi-Zhu... check it out and let me know what you think of it! I'm anxiously awaiting more of this story! :-)
~LarryL
Wednesday, 31 August 2005 15:36
Very good! You packed a lot of story into a very short period of time, and set up a number of possibilities.

Now, for the technical stuff (don't worry, I'll be gentle . . .)

What planet are we on? What job are they doing? A little exposition here and there would be great. It helps set the scene a little. Only other criticisms are that your tenses and perspectives both shift, and your dialog is just a hair stiff. But just a hair. I look forward to reading the rest!

ScrewtheAlliance

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