Mal is sitting on the bridge with virtually the whole crew in an uproar, and he’s about had it, looking distinctly disheveled; “This palaver has been goin’ on for weeks. We all know all the arguments. We don’ need to go over the facts again, we need a recipe for keepin’ on keepin’ on!”
Simon speaks up with a voice of tired reason; “Well, let’s list the problems one more time, but this time write them down. Then maybe we can go to the answers without repeating ourselves.” Zoë finds a board from somewhere, and River is ready to write:
Inara starts by discussing calmly what has gotten them in this fix: “The Alliance Parliament left us alone for the first year or so, but in the last couple of years, they have started to attack us indirectly by threatening anyone who supplies our ship. Everyone on board has stories of how individuals or ships which mention Miranda are harassed, and punished on the flimsiest grounds.”
Jayne jumps in; “The Gorram Feds have been on our ruttin’ butt since Miranda, pushin’ us further and further out into the Black. Now we’re out here on the edge of nuthin’, where there’s no coin. The jobs that pay their way out here are mighty slim.”
Simon’s contribution; “We need to find somewhere closer in that the Alliance hasn’t already intimidated…”
“But there ain’t no such places.”
Suddenly, the discussion is interrupted, in the worst possible way! River shouts " Ai-yah. Tyen-ah! " (“Merciless hell! ”) and hits the alarm. They all turn to the front, and she points to the display; "Reavers. Coming straight at us!"
Inara looks on in horror; "I thought they were all gone..."
Mal mutters; " Yeh lu jwo duo luh jwohn whei jian gui . (Travel in the dark long enough, and you're bound to see a ghost. ) There had to be a few left over. And we found them. That's the way our luck goes."
A quick map check, and Mal finds group of small moons nearby, “Those boys look ready to conjure up some genuine nastiness! River, aim for those moons. If we can swing around that n
"You can't take the sky from me!"
As for the "description" - Hmm...
I'll look at that as well - probably too late for this episode, but I'll work on the rest.
Thanks for your input!
Future pieces will have more action, less exposition.
The overall story will be more focused on events than character development,(on purpose) although I hope to include some character as well.
Sometimes it takes me a day or two and multiple rereads to digest a story before I comment.
The actual story is no different, only somewhat less explanation, and a little more detail in events and conversation.
You would probably have to put the two versions side by side before the change in emphasis would be evident.
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