Firefly: After Miranda Part 3
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The boys go shopping, the girls talk and Mal lines up a job.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 5053 RATING: 9.0 (PG13) SERIES: FIREFLY
Parts 1 and 2 can be found here http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=23512
- 3 -
The Mule hovered smoothly over the worn path leading to the city. Jayne Cobb sat in the driver’s seat brow furrowed. The young doctor beside him had decided that Jayne must simply be concentrating on driving. He was wrong. Jayne Cobb was deep in thought.
For Jayne the thinking had started before Miranda, just after Shepherd Book left Serenity. Jayne missed Book. He missed having him to lift weights with, to talk to while preparing meals, and to help make between meal snacks. The Shepherd was the only member of the crew that had an appetite close to his. Book was the one Jayne turned to for advice. Book was the one that Jayne told the most about his life. That how Book had known he played the guitar, and why Book had bought him one as a gift. Jayne realize that Shepherd Book had become the closest friend he had ever had. Now, he was gone.
After Miranda Jayne’s thinking only increased. Not by his choice. He tried everything he could to stop it. He even tried to ignore it. Nothing worked. Every time he tried to rest his mind would start.
His big revelation came after an argument with Mal. Jayne had wanted to get back to taking jobs, so he could start getting paid again. Mal was not ready and asked him what the hell he needed money for? Jayne could not think of a reason. Yes, he wanted to send his mom some more money, but the truth was that he had sent them a large chunk of cash from the Lassiter job. The rest he spent rather stupidly, just as the rest of the crew did. That is why they needed that job on Lilac. Now with the ship well stocked and money from that job in pocket Jayne could not think of anything else he really wanted. He realized that he no longer wanted money; he wanted to stay on Serenity. He also realized that he wanted Serenity’s crew to like him as Book did, as family.
“Jayne…JAYNE,” Simon yelled.
“What, I was just thinkin’.” Jayne said as he realized that he had parked the mule and was just
And while I can imagine the girls of Serenity sitting around a day spa getting pampered (because they have before, see Better Days), I can't imagine them talking about the guys like this. I mean, some of them are coworkers, you know? Would it be at all appropriate to have a scene where the guys are sitting around talking this way about the women? Wash DID tend to go into too much detail about Zoe, but none of the guys except Jayne would've talked like that about the other women. And Mal, Book, and Simon would have punched him for it. Why is that?
So, I'd take that scene out.
The other two scenes were fine.
Also, it's "massage" not "message"
The conversation between Mal and Sheydra was well done, though.
I'd read more.
I am going to defend the "girl talk" part a little. While it is not needed, it is a fun little scene. I don't believe every bit of a work has to advance the story or other elements. Not all the girls are being inappropriate, mainly it is Kaylee. The others are just responding to her.
Bytemite it would be just as appropriate, or inappropriate in this case, for the guys as it was for the girls.
Why would Mal or Simon punch Jayne? Simple, those are their characters. The difference is that it is Kalyee being inappropriate, not Jayne. The relationships are different.
Maybe the other girls are just responding (though it seems to me like they're participating), but even if Kaylee is escalating the conversation beyond the bounds of good taste, it's STILL not okay. It's not at all respectful to the male characters, either in their conversation or in writing, as the author.
I'd actually probably call most of this OOC. Sure, Kaylee's an earthly sort, she's even made inappropriate comments about her "needs" before, but this is beyond even that. River okay, I can understand her responding to this because she simply doesn't know any better, but Inara believes in keeping things like this confidential, so in the very least Inara is very out of character. And I would argue that this whole conversation simply wouldn't happen anyway.
I did not want to imply that it is okay for Kaylee to be inappropriate, it is not. The others respond to her doing that in a different way then they do Jayne or anyone else. Just because it is not respectful and not right for Kaylee or any other characters to act like that in terms of common decency I disagree that it is not right for the author to write such actions.
Real people are disrespectful and crude. If you are trying to make fictional characters believable they will sometime act in those ways also.
All that being said I am thinking of rewriting that section.
…but again, you don’t owe me an apology.
Corrections and a bit of a rewrite.
...including the girl talk scene.
You retained the humour by making it clear that Kaylee was being inappropriate, without taking the story itself into territory about comparing all the men. I liked Zoe's line. I also think that maybe River only acts interested in Simon's private life just to weird him out, so I also think River's anti-brother reaction works, though I acknowledge there might be different interpretations on that.
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