First fanfic, so constructive criticism would be super shiny!
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It had been three weeks since Jubal Early showed up on Serenity. The whole episode had been rather jarring for everyone involved. Especially, it seemed, for Kaylee. While the rest of the crew had, more or less, gone back to their usual routine, Kaylee had been uncharacteristically withdrawn. She said very little at mealtimes, spent no more time in the engine room than necessary, and spent most of her time hiding in her room. No one knew what had gone on in the engine room, but based on her behavior they had a pretty good idea. Even Jayne noticed she was acting different and left her alone.
Mal was worried about little Kaylee and more than anything he wanted his mechanic back to her usual, cheerful self. He wasn’t used to her looking so… blank and empty. But he had no idea how to approach her himself. So he paid Inara a visit in her shuttle, and asked for her advice.
“Actually Mal, I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now, and I think I should be the one to talk to her.”
“Not that I have any problem with that, but what makes you think she’ll talk to you?”
Inara smiled grimly, “because if it’s what we all fear but are too afraid to say, she might be more comfortable talking to another woman.”
Mal’s stomach turned at the implications of this statement, but he couldn’t argue with the logic.
A few minutes later Inara was knocking on the door to Kaylee’s room.
“Kaylee? It’s Inara, can I come in?” She looked at the decorations Kaylee had placed over her door while she waited for an answer. These decorations had been placed by a Kaylee far more cheerful and content than Kaylee sitting in the room at the moment.
“Yeah, you can come in.” Inara heard Kaylee call from inside the room. Inara opened the door and crawled down the ladder into Kaylee’s room. Kaylee was sitting on the floor next to her bunk, watching Inara climb down.
Inara sat down next to Kaylee and sighed. “You want to tell me wha
Just a couple of suggestions. You don't need to use everyone's name quite so often. For instance, in the section: *Inara heard Kaylee call from inside the room. Inara opened the door and crawled down the ladder into Kaylee’s room. Kaylee was sitting on the floor next to her bunk, watching Inara climb down.* It might have sounded better as: *Inara heard Kaylee call from inside the room and she opened the door, climbing down the ladder. The young mechanic was sitting on the floor next to her bunk, watching.* You could even have used something like *climbing elegantly down the ladder* to show that Inara still keeps her grace, no matter what she's doing.
The other suggestion is to slow down! You had a good idea here, and perhaps you could have tried spreading it out over more chapters. Have Mal trying to talk to Kaylee, but she rebuffs him. Maybe Jayne has a go. Have more in the way of Kaylee's thoughts.
But like I said, it's your story, and it certainly isn't bad for a first go!
"You can't take the sky from me!"
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