Jayne Cobb’s Guide to a Happy Marriage

Author owns no rights to Firefly, and no copyright infringement is intended. Fanfic only.

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There’s a few things I’ve learned since gittin’ hitched. Just little things a man kinda picks up, ‘long the way. They ain’t all there is to bein’ married writ here, ‘course, on account’a I don’t know it all. Unlike some folks who claim they do.

Anyway’s, these here is just guidelines as might help a fella if’n he get’s ta thinkin’ on settin’ up som’ers o’nother.

1) Don’t get married.

2) If’n you feel like ya just hafta git hitched, then don’t marry a crazy woman.

3) If ya’s end up breakin’ them first two, then make sure she ain’t someone as can rip your lungs out, or knows ‘bout twenty-nine ways ta kill ya. With a spoon.

4) Once you’re hitched, that’s it. Life pretty much turns kinda upwards on ya. Things that was okay to do before, like drinking and chasin’ women, and doin’ laundry once a month, them days is gone. Things that you wouldn’a ever done a’fore, like holdin’ hands, and carryin’ packages, and goin’ ta the store to look at clothes, them’s the new days. Might’s well just get along. It ain’t gonna change.

5) Take special care on what you agree and disagree with. It’s ‘portant to pay attention when the little woman’s talkin’. Not cause you’re interested, cause you most likely won’t be. But ‘cause a misstep durin’ one o’ them one sided conversations could be hurtful For you. For instance, if she says ‘do I look fat?’ the answer damn well better be along the lines o’, ‘I ain’t noticed it’. Or, should she ask ‘how do you like my new dress’, it needs to be along the lines o’ ‘it looks good on you’. Sounds simple, right? Get’em confused, switch them answers around cause you ain’t payin’ no mind, and see how simple it is to haul your bedroll out to the couch fer a week or so.

6) Never raise a hand to ya wife. Man as’d beat his wife, ain’t no man a’tall.

7) Don’t never make the mistake o’ sayin’ ‘whatever you want is fine with