Blue Sun Room FICTION - ADVENTURE

A fresh start

Saturday, October 28, 2006

just put this togther let me know what you think and i might post more.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1215    RATING: 0 (PG)    SERIES: FIREFLY

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It the pax the g23 paxolon hydroclorate that we added to the to the air procuress, these are the words that shocked the verse it was hard to believe that six months ago Malcolm rendolds had shown everyone how bad the alliance could be. The alliance was regaining its full strength after there numbers had been depleted after a lot of the soldiers could not take working for such tyrants. For those on board the harbinger life was still pretty much the same. Nina sat in her bunk remembering how she came to be the captain of the harbinger and how she had meat her new family. The harbinger was a firefly class ship, for the captain Nina rook the harbinger was all she had left of her family. Nina had been bought up by her grandmother and her farther when he wasn't away doing a cargo run. It was when on one of these simple runs when his pilot decided he would make a better captain. In the ensuing battle on the bridge Nina farther was shot by the pilot. The rest of his crew managed to subdue him he is currently rotting in an alliance prison.

When Nina was 22 her grandmother passed away in her sleep, after the funeral Nina decided it was time to leave newfall and see the rest of the verse. Before she could leave she needed a crew she could trust. Nina went to see her father's old friend and war buddy Tommy fur. Tommy had suggested she stay on newfall as the verse is no place for a young women. Nina gave him a look that would turn a man to stone and told him she would do it with or without his help, Tommy could tell she was being serious and he owed to his old friend to keep an eye on his daughter besides he could do with getting of this rock before the boredom killed him. Tommy put together a crew as best he could. Rico was a good pilot he had chose to fight in the unification war where he discovered his incredible skill behind the wheel of a ship. Rico was assigned to be a bomber pilot, he was doing a great job until he was shot down by an alliance patrol. He was taken to a small isolated POW camp where the allianc

Comments
Monday, 30 October 2006 18:41
Lots of good information, but a tad bit boring to read. Try seperating them into paragraphs and work on the fleshing out of the story a bit more. Like I said, you've got good information, but it's just too short of a "story" to do anything with it. Also, you tend to mix up your tenses a lot. Make sure to capitalize important names like Alliance. Here's an example with what you can do with the first paragraph:

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"It was the PAX. The g23 paxolon hydroclorate that we added to the air procuress."

These were the words that shocked the verse. It was hard to believe that six months ago, Malcolm Reynolds had shown everyone how bad the Alliance could be.

A lot of the soldiers couldn't take working for such tyrants, and as such, the Alliance numbers had been depleted. But they were regaining their full strength again.

However, for those on board the Harbinger, life was still pretty much the same. Nina sat in her bunk, remembering how she came to be the captain of the Harbinger, and how she had meet her new family.

The Harbinger was a Firefly class ship, and for Nina Rook, the Harbinger was all she had left of her family. Nina had been bought up by her grandmother and her father when he wasn't away doing a cargo run. It was when on one of these simple runs when his pilot decided he would make a better captain. In the ensuing battle on the bridge, Nina father was shot by the pilot. The rest of his crew managed to subdue him, and he was now rotting away in an Alliance prison.

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See, it makes it a bit easier to read. I hope this helps. :D

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