Blue Sun Room FICTION - HORROR

THE DAMED MEN OF THE EARTH

Saturday, October 7, 2006

Horror/Drama I can't decide.... anyways I like it and I would enjoy some feedback.

CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 3009    RATING: 3.0 (G)    SERIES: FIREFLY

Tweet

Prologue

River had the strangest sensation in her stomach, a tingling feeling. The last time she felt that feeling the operative was coming. It could only mean trouble. She had tried to tell them but they hadn't understood. The thought she was just acting up, that she was not well, but she new what was coming. The shadow of death the cold embrace of it was sucking at her feet like a strong current. One of them would die.

THE DAMED MEN OF EARTH

Mal and Zoe had a easy job, they were transporting dogs to a owner on ghost. The cargo was even legal, which was a nice change from their last few deliveries. The only problem was one of the dogs was sick, she was vomiting in her crate and nothing the doctor did would stop her. “ I don't understand it!” said Simon in a frustrated voice looking at the sick dog. “ Shes in prefect health, her heart is fine she doesn't have worms, SHES FINE!” the dog gave him a pathetic look. “ Oh Simon don't yell your scarring her.” Cooed Kaylee at the dog. “ts not her fault.” “ No I guess not” admitted Simon “ But Mal will have a fit if he doesn't get all his money.” At that very moment the captain walked in “ What about me?” he said looking suspiciously at the doctor “Noting captn.” said Kaylee grinning at him. “ have you figured out whats wrong with that damn dog?” Malcolm asked “ Well I'm going to check her stomach encase of a flew but otherwise..” just then the dog vomited on the table. A plastic bag was mixed in with the water. “ well, well what have we hear.” said Simon ignoring Malcolm's look of disgust. He put on some plastic gloves an picked up the bag.

“ Its ripped.” said Simon as some watery white paste oozed from the bag. “ What is it?” asked the captain with interest. “ It looks like a drug baggy..” said Kaylee. The two men looked at her “ Well it does!” she said giving them a innocent look. “ I'm not sure whats more disturbing the bag of the fact that you know what a drug baggy looks like.” said The captain giving Kaylee a wo

Comments
Saturday, 07 October 2006 21:52
You could do either with a beta or a good spell check. I like your story idea and obviously the dog that got sick did so because the bag in its' stomach split. It sounds as if the people hiring Mal and the crew to deliver the dogs is the government, so is that the Alliance or the Blue Sun Corporation? Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me
Sunday, 08 October 2006 00:16
I do use spell check like ive said, but i dont ger grammar. I never actually thought of using the blue sun room but thats a good idea.
Monday, 09 October 2006 22:17
Ah...but the thing will spellcheckers? They only get upset over mispelled words, not homonyms and other valid words used the wrong way;)

There's a great storyline here...but the lack of polish really makes the whole thing a lot more painful to read. Besides the obvious issues with the physical setup, there are a couple of plot points that make me confused...including why the secret cabal that runs the Alliance would deal in simple coccaine? If they developed the Pax...why go for a simple drug like crack?

BEB
FANO1
Sunday, 22 October 2006 23:49
This one's actually not too bad.

Just kidding, you suck.
Tuesday, 17 July 2007 05:05
wow ALL bloody three FANO1 obvoiusly no lief what so ever its a shame your such a dolt


any way seal nice job i dont like as much as the others and id say drama not horror for this one and judgeing by thins one and the others you seem to like short storys but you seem to haveproblems ending them which is hard granted but you need to get beter ending the other where reslly good given the length this one not so much also they never found jaynes body wouldnt he be lik not faraway an all even then i gun shot dosent make ya scream unless its not in your head lungs throat or heart then you scream >.> but assumeing its alliance they probly wanted him to feel it so i guess it works then dont it anyway keep it up but less jayne killin eh? how about kill inara or simon id love to see that to see how the crew would react or maybe even zoe but inara more likely anyway im off

Post Your Comments

You must log in to post comments.