Disclaimer: Joss, I broke your toys... All characters (except for Elliot, who is mine. Mine, I tell you!) are products of Joss Whedon’s brilliant mind. Damn him! Also, one of the lines belongs to Guinnie; I stole it shamelessly. I’m a bad person.

Feedback: is better than sex and chocolate combined! Well, maybe not chocolate. Anyway. Feed me!

Archive: want, take, have. Just let me know so I can rejoice!

Info: CCke and I had a bet going. I lost. So, here’s my end of the deal: a Mal/Inara fic with ‘adult situations’ and the line ‘I’d like to tap that’ in it. Hey, blame her brain, not mine.

A/N: A million smoochies for Guinevere, officially the Best Beta Ever. No kidding. She should get an award.

Act One

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“I promise, you guys haven’t lived until you’ve tried these,” Wash stated as the waitress put a pitcher and nine glasses down on their table.

Book and Inara nodded with equally polite smiles while Zoe and Mal exchanged skeptical glances. Jayne on the other hand immediately reached for the pitcher and poured himself a full glass.

“Explain to me again why we all had to come here?” Simon asked, looking at the people sitting by the bar as if they could attack him any second. “These kinds of bars aren’t exactly friendly.” He picked up a glass and scrunched up his nose in disgust. “Or hygienic.”

“C’mon, we don’t ever go out together. ‘Sides, it’s fun!” Kaylee stated cheerfully from right beside him. She leaned across the table to fill two glasses for herself and Simon and sat back down, a little closer to Simon than before.

Simon however was probably the only one who hadn’t noticed that – or heard anything she’d said, for that matter – since he was busy wrestling one of the empty glasses from River’s hands. “Old enough to drink,” the young woman complained through gritted teeth as she pried the glass from him.

“Not with the medication you’re taking,” he admonished. River rolled her eyes and let go of the glass abruptly, causing Simon to fly back against Kaylee’s shoulder. River