MANWITHPEZ'S BLOG
What I Think As Opposed To What I Say #208: ManWithPez Takes Manhattan
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 4:39 PM
At Work:Boss: Did you go workout today?
Me: (None of your goddamn business, you bald tub of lard!) Yes sir.
At Home:
WifeWithPez: Could you clean out the van for me?
Me: (I would rather have my testicles hammered flat with a wooden mallet) I would love to, sweetie.
At Work Again:
Big Boss: What's that movie called? Revenge of the Sith? What the hell's a Sith?
Me: (Don't ask me to fulfill your need to feel younger by explaining pop culture to you, Philistine!) A bad Jedi.
With My Daughter:
DaughterLikeMother: I said NO! You know what no means, don't you?
Me: (Yes, it will be my reponse to the question posed by you later 'Daddy, will you let me live?') Go to you room.
With My Son:
SonWithPez: I want a dink, Datty!
Me: (Yeah, I could use a few stiff drinks right now, too.) Go ask your mother.
At Work Again:
StarWarsObsessedSSgt: Don't you think its cool? I got one of those hundred dollar lightsabers. It's really cool!
Me: (I spent 30$ on my copy of Firefly, and I'm absolutely certain that I'll get more fun out of that than you will with a 100$ lightsaber replica) Firefly is better than Star Wars.
StarWarsObsessedSSgt: What! Blasphemy!
Me: (You've never even seen it! How dare you say anything about my beloved Serenity, you uninformed miscreant!) Joss Whedon is my master now.
At Home Again:
WifeWithPez: I'm so fat!
Me: (She really isn't. I wish she wouldn't go on so, I love the way she looks, and I think she's totally hot. I know she won't accept this from me, but I wish she would.) "..."
I run for the hills...I'm not saying a damn thing. Like I want to get into this fight!
At Dairy Queen:
TotalStrangerWoman: (Who is in fact, touching my daughter's hair) What a lovely little girl.
Me: (So, this is the true price of taking your kids to get ice cream. Random strangers paw my children while the lump behind the counter manages to screw up three dipped cones. My wife wonders why I don't ever want to leave the house) Yes, she is. (Stop touching my little girl!) Kids, get in the car.
Muahahahaha!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Mine truly is an evil laugh.
COMMENTS: 8