MANWITHPEZ'S BLOG
What I Say, As Opposed To What I Think 2
Monday, April 11, 2005 4:28 PM
You know the drill!At Work:
My Boss: "Where you been?"
Me: (Quick! Think up a lie and say anything besides at the mall) "At the bank."
At Home:
Random Husband of One of My Wife's Friend: "What this?"
Me: (Not this shit again!) "Firefly."
Random Husband: "What's that?"
Me: (The best goddamn show EVER) "Its complicated."
In The Restroom:
Random Person: "Phew! It stinks in here."
Me: (What did you want? The smells of a bakery. Its a lavatory!) "..."
(I don't make it a habit of speaking to people in the bathroom)
At Home Depot:
Paint Salesperson: "So, what are you going to do with this?"
Me: (Drink it, like right now.) "Umm..paint the living room."
At Red Lobster:
Waitress: "Where on earth did your kids get that color hair?"
Me: (Like I haven't answered this six thousand times. What do you expect me to say, these aren't my kids?) "My mother, my grandfather, and my uncle are redheads."
On The Phone:
Telemarketer: "Your last name is Barks? What, like a dog?"
Me: (Nope) ---dial tone---
At Home Again After Putting in a DVD:
My Wife: What's this?
Me: (What? You can't wait ten seconds to see for yourself?) "What? You can't wait ten seconds to see for yourself?"
At Home With My Daughter:
DaughterWithPez: "I wasn't talkin' to you, Daddy, I was talkin' to Mommy?"
Me: (With any luck, this relationship will continue well into your adolescence) "Go to bed."
At Home With My Son:
Lil'ManWithPez: -very loudly in front of company- "My FARTED DADDY!"
Me: (Oh, I'm so proud of you!!!) "Actually, son, that was me."
See, no one escapes the daily sarcasm. To be honest though, I wonder sometimes what my wife and children are thinking before they answer me sometimes. Then, I come to my senses.
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