Hidey Thread 489: What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs
POSTED BY: daveshayne
UPDATED: Tuesday, November 10, 2009 03:55
VIEWED: 22953
PAGE 16 of 20
Can they hear you Steven Segal??
To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.
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Quote:
Originally posted by MsA:
Can they hear you Steven Segal??
I'll bet they can hear you Bruce Lee.
David
'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.
'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg
http://xkcd.com/386/
"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.
I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Canadians used a pencil.
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More cut & paste, in order to keep this fine thread bumpled.
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
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God wanted to go on vacation, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity" said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "Too much gossip. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."
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A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Australian from the east.
The bartender says, "Yor nut frum arund hier, are you?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "Whut do you do un Cunuda?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A texidumust? Whut duz a texidumust do? Do you drive a texi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. Hu'z one uv us."
***
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A woman that happened to be an animal lover heard a screech of tires outside her home. She ran out to see a dead skunk that had been hit by a car. As she headed back to her porch, she heard a gentle mewling sound and looked under the stairs, where 5 baby skunks were hiding. She gathered them into a box and called the vet. The vet said, "Since they're babies, the most important thing is to keep them warm. I'd recommend you lay down on your bed and let them cuddle between your legs."
"But Doctor," the woman said, "what about the smell?"
"Don't worry, they'll get used to it."
***
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When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately.
Upon the husband's arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition.
After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that his wife was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
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What's blue and never fits properly?
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A dead epileptic.
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A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
***
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