Male and Female Imponderables--Continued Yet Again
POSTED BY: Tristan
UPDATED: Saturday, July 1, 2006 06:00
VIEWED: 14863
PAGE 18 of 18
Tristan, I hope you won't consider it improper for me to make my first post to this interesting conversation be a response to your request for insight. Because I do feel your pain.
Before I get into any of why (and I'll try not to belabor it), let me say that I am and have always been a fan of books. For intimate relationship books, I am currently a fan of Ian Kerner. I consider his books “She Comes First” and “He Comes Next” to be companion books and bought them for my husband for Valentine's Day. Of course, I read them, too. These books are readily available at Borders, or online at Amazon. I'm sure they're available in other bookstores, too.
You sound like you are at a tricky pivot point in your relationship. I have so been there!
I have been with my DH (Dear Husband) for sixteen years. Let me start out by saying that this man was and is the love of my life. I was intensely crazy about him! And, boy, has he driven me crazy at times!
When we were dating, our affair was so hot that my most liberal girlfriends did not want to hear about it! So, after a few years we get married. A couple more years, we have a baby. Suddenly, it seems that I am married to your classic Victorian wife – you know the ones, once they've had a baby, they've “done their duty,” and they're basically done. My reaction can be summed up as WTF. It got to the point that I grieved this relationship, even though we were still married and that wasn't going to change.
So, I hear you. In my case, for a million reasons, it took several years to get this worked out. Friends? It's a good thing that we started out as best friends, because there were phases where we were ships-passing-in-the-night roommates. It sometimes seemed that we lived in the same house, and that was all.
It doesn't have to be that way and it doesn't have to take years to work out. One of the (many) confounding factors for us is that my husband, the IT manager with an engineering degree, is like most of those guys: not completely plugged in to the emotional side of life. There is an actual “engineer personality” that can be discerned on personality tests.
In some ways, it seems that most IT guys and/or engineers are at least mildly autistic or have some characteristics of Asperger's syndrome, even if they aren't diagnosed as such and don't have the whole spectrum of issues. In one conversation, I said to him (in frustration), “If emotions were colors, I have the enhanced box of 128 Crayola, and you have the elementary school box of 8!” He looked at me coolly and replied, “No, I don't. I have a pencil!”
Did I mention that he's funny? Wonderfully funny? That has undoubtedly kept him off the couch many a night. He's also five years younger than I am. We married when he was 29 – it definitely didn't feel like cradle robbing. I usually have more energy than he does! I have always had more of a sex drive, but that wasn't apparent early on.
So, back to you. As I recall, your wife is younger. Younger than 30. Despite growing enlightenment, I think a lot of women are still raised to be rather ambivalent about sex. Often, they don't even realize it. But that internalized pressure to be a “good girl” is usually buried in there somewhere. All too often, being a good girl also means not being too sexual. Ironically, this can also translate into being less sexual because of being married. I know: huh?
Also, a woman's internal sexual signals can be very subtle. It can be really hard to know what it feels like to even be approaching an orgasm unless you masturbate and figure that out. It can be really easy to lose that thread of subtle sensation. There is nothing inevitable about it. This is often a problem for young women. And then there are all those awful messages you can get about masturbation, that it's sinful or what not. It's a wonder any of us ever get this figured out right! But, I conjure, if you don't masturbate and figure it out for yourself, you wind up way too dependent on someone else. It's almost like needing
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Hallo River!
And NVG - huge hugs! I know they ain't much practical use, but there you go, hope you know they're always available. (by the way, I moved out at 17 too, familie! can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em for a profit.
FMF - mum to the rescue! Tell her she's wonderful. I'm glad it was sorted, big hugs as well.
Kegels - Maybe if you are usuing the kegel thing as a chat up line, bear in mind that in the uk they are called 'pelvic toners' - that might give the guy more of a clue. Yeah, i had to do those exercises for some reason when I was a kid, and just carried on doing them, you'll still find me at bus stops sometimes aparently concentrating very hard on nothing. Still his has its benefits, my ex used to love the, ahem, 'massages' *OVERSHARE ALERT*
Names - (ok, now i'm blushing 
) Braedon I love - such a strong sexy sounding name, Lila also. And Bryce is extremely pretty, and Dentalia, I have to admit i did a doulble take on first seeing it, but the sound is very pretty, and like someone said, you wear it so well! (and BTW - Yey! for sex, you go girl, &c, &c now if only i could get some. :pout:) The only name I don't like so much is Tiara, I can't help thinking that is something Paris Hilton would call her chiuaua. However, I think Tia would be a lovely pet name (not in a chiuaua way!) for a little girl, so...
I always had my favorite names picked out, so i'm going to need to get lots of cats - for girls, it was Ariadne Mia, and Amritha, Merle and Isolde/Isobel, for boys, it was Nathanial Griffin and Richard. I also love Darcy, but its to much of a girls name now. Braedon is added to the list as well, I was always thinkning about Brendan, but didn't like the 'n' sound so much, didn't occur to me to take it out. And pronounced softly 'Bre dan' its perfect. I'm so fussy about how they'd be pronounced 'Na than yal' 'Gry fen' 'y so belle' 'y zold' 'mer lay' and 'ari ad nay'
I don't mind my name so much, (Helen) its a little boring though, when I found out that I should have been Elynor, and my dad said no and called me Helen, I wouldn't speak to him for months. The one thing that annoys me though is idiot people who can't be botherd saying the whole thing and call me 'hel' I hate it, for obvious reasons, but try as i might, i can never convince people to use the equally short and easy to say approved pet names - Hen or Nell. Either of which I love, but will people co-operate? no!
idiots.
What else was there?
I'm finding more and more that communication with words is incredibly difficult - for both sexes.
But I do think women are more sensitive to, so probably better at, non vocal communication - body language and facial expressions, men instantly pick up the more overt signals, but women get the subtle nuances. Like most people can pick up that someone is lying, but lots of women iknow gat tell what you are lying about and why. Which is bloody scary.
"Talking about love is like dancing about chocolate" or words to that effect, have to find out where that quote come's from.
**********************************************************
Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
FozzieWash, You know what I always say: sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
KermieMal, I never Know what the heck you're talking about.
FozzieWash, Hey, look! They're sending us free lumber!
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Is it not normal to dance about chocolate?! I do the Happy Chocolate Dance when the buzzer on the oven rings, singling that my brownies or chocolate chip cookies are done! Or when the hubby says we can get dessert at a restaurant. Or... pretty much anytime chocolate is involved. 
~CK
You can't take the sky from me...
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
I dance about chocolate - but ialso dance about other thing - like i'm going to atlanta! *dance* its my weekend off! *dance* etc.
I don't think the word was actually chocolate, but the rhythm was right, so...
**********************************************************
Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
FozzieWash, You know what I always say: sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
KermieMal, I never Know what the heck you're talking about.
FozzieWash, Hey, look! They're sending us free lumber!
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
Which of course brings us to the age-old question: Sex or chocolate? 
~CK
You can't take the sky from me...
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
hey, this is the 21st century...
Sex and chocolate (easy-wash bed linens)
Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
FireFromHeaven, welcome to the board!
Thank you for your advice...but I am actually in a very good point in my life/relationship...my typing was from experiences in the past. Mostly from my ex-wife...and because of her, I hate all things French now, despite being half French-Canadian...
Yes, there are rough spots at times now, but they are easily worked through.
My wife is younger than I, and was raised a bit differently as well. My experiences far outweigh hers (not bragging, just speaking truth) and a lot of my hang-ups come from not being what I once was. We both attended the same university, and both received degrees in Drama...granted several years apart, but I was always a fixture in that department even when going after other degrees. I am not sure if you are familiar with Drama departments, but they are one big, happy, disfunctional family. There are no secrets, so before she became my wife, she knew what I had been like in the past. Every male slows down and becomes a shadow of his former sexual self as time goes by. This has happened to me. She has never complained, nor has she ever asked anything more from me than I can give in this respect, but it would be nice to be eighteen again, even if it was just in bed. 
I also realize that women are more difficult in their sexuality than males. As I have said before I am no Casanova, but I have had many lovers, and was always able to satisfy them both physically, emotionally, and otherwise. I am trying to do that with my wife, and am succeeding for the most part. There are just times when things do not mesh, and I need to vent. Nobody's relationship is ever perfect.
Communication is key, and we have that...sometimes it stutters a bit, but it is there. And I do realize that it is not always about me.
Thank you again, and I hope you hang around with us!
______________________________________
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
No, nothing is ever perfect. I do have some passing familiarity with drama departments, mostly from college. I never had any ambitions of being on stage; too shy, I suppose. I had friends, and one boyfriend, who had those aspirations, so I worked in the background of the occasional production.
For some reason, the title of one of them has always stuck with me: "Lou Ann Hampton Laverty Oberlander."
Communication, alas, isn't as obvious as it seems it should be. That truth is a wellspring of human problems that reaches far beyond personal relationships.
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
*cough* time for a new thread *cough* 
NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME
On the way!
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=21918
Our new home!
______________________________________
NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME