The place i'm in.
Monday, 21 January 2008 12:39:28

Just needed to have a little cry and a write. Comments and Advice wont be ignored.... Everything was getting better. I am so sick of this twisted circle that my life seems to take. I hate how I can hear my blood pulsing through my veins and I hate that I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t hear myself think, all I hear is your voice inside my head and I’m disgusted by it. How do you know what you say is right? And how dare you teach me to think, act and be free and equal and then force me to bend it to what you want. It hurts and it’s terrifying. How can words from somebody’s mouth be so soothing and comforting and then out of your mouth they can drain the life and the hope out of me in seconds. I thought I was stronger than this. I feel stronger than this. How much longer will I fight for? I feel like I’m a child, cowering in a corner. Waiting and needing someone to find me and show me they care. Someone to tell me what’s right from wrong because I’m too young to know the difference. Someone else because I’m not suppose to know how to do it on my own. You tell me to think for myself but you hate it when I do. You tell me to figure out what I want but if it’s not what you want for me there is always something wrong with it and because you don’t approve, I’ll find your imaginary fault as well. You tell me to live while I’m young and then bully me into staying at home because life to you is working and any other time is for resting so that you are able to go to work. I want so badly to live and be happy and content with nothing that I think it is making me miserable. I’m not you. I can’t be you. I’m only me. Let me be me. Help me be me.

They found a lump
Monday, 21 January 2008 23:42:28

Last week, I had experienced chronic hunger for several days. On Friday (day three of the problem), I went to the doctor. She looked at my record and noticed that I kept coming in for one reason or another, so she decided to a more thorough examination and found a small lump on my thyroid. The specific problem hasn't been narrowed down yet as the results from my blood tests won't be in until tomorrow. I do know that the lump is non-cancerous as I don't have any signs of thyroid cancer. But, I did some research on my symptoms (fatigue, insomnia, weight loss, anxiety, increased hunger and thirst, apathy, etc.), and I believe I have hyperthyroidism, which is when the thyroid produces too much of one of two types of hormones that makes your organs grow. I also believe that the disease was caught early enough because I don't have some of the more severe symptoms yet. (You don't want me to describe them, believe me!) I'm guessing I've had this disease somewhere from two to seven months. Frankly, I'm really scared. I don't know what to do or what's going to happen to me. So, if any of you have had thyroid problems, I'd love to hear your story. And, if you don't want to post your reply in the comments for everyone to read, please private message me. Thanks, PL